notlucyintheskye 28137 4m
YTA
My oldest son says I always choose Emma over him (which is not true)
Idk my guy, in this case, you absolutely DID choose Emma over him. It doesn't help that you say at least twice that he's overreacting, trying to negate his feelings on the issue.
ThatFatGuyMJL 18258 S 1h21m
Also... why couldn't they... push his step daughters party forwards?
She's 11... it's perfectly reasonable le to do a 9-1pm part, or a 12-3.
He's an hour from his son so he could leave at 3 and get there for 4
There's a hundred things he could have done but he chose to screw his son over.
ninaa1 9281 1h28m
why couldn't they... push his step daughters party forwards?
This is what I don't get too. Like, OP even says how he & his wife have been planning this party, soooo there's no reason they couldn't adjust the time frame to make it work for both kids.
OP, YTA.
jbenn90 7766 2h28m
Not only that but he knew about the double booking well in advance, told Emma he'd talk to his son about it, and then didn't until THE NIGHT BEFORE BOTH PARTIES. I literally snorted at the "flash forward" after that - he made it into his 40s, with two adult children, and on his second wife, while still thinking -12hrs is an appropriate amount of time to juggle this sort of scheduling?
YTA OP and your weaponized incompetence is juvenile
StrangePenguin7 2549 2h42m
My guess would be this is why he is on his 2nd marriage. He had 2 kids with events to worry about and didn't seem to do anything to make the situation work. He pretended the last minute. And when he's told he's in the wrong by everyone else he thinks "nah."
RatmanThomas 1402 5h51m
And how he stated to the son with the party “I will try to make it” son’s response is “okay” ie) “yeah, right, you will make it..” seems this is not the first, second, or third time this has happened. Now he has a clean slate with “Emma” that he won’t mess up…
EatThissh*t 922 9h36m
Even his wife told him to just go to his son and he didn't listen to anyone but the spoiled child.
Anomalyyyyyyyyy 679 14h13m
I said this in another comment but I doubt he cares much about Emma either. And most 11 year olds aren’t looking for their stepdad to be glued to their hip on their birthday party, they’re running around and playing with friends.
This man likely only listened to himself and put his own comfort and convenience over his child’s big milestone. Driving and hour out and back is more work that sticking around at home. He chose himself.
jonesnori 193 17h9m
And then blamed his decision on his stepdaughter, who probably is not "spoiled" at all. And why didn't they change the time or date of her party?
panochito 135 17h53m
my guess, personally, is that he was more willing to spend time with the younger kid who doesn't know him as well, and therefore hasn't been disappointed by him over and over again. (yet.)
Zealousideal_Gap_867 20 20h58m
That's my thinking too. He already messed up with his bio kids before this one came along.
junkiecreppermint 26 15h48m
Both the ex wife and the current wife told him to go
TheSummerViking 23 15h29m
OP sounds like a character from South Park.
panochito 10 17h51m
to the child who doesn't hate him because he hasn't disappointed her yet!
Grand_Horror2192 6 1d4h45m
His wife and ex wife both think he is wrong, and he came for another opinion.
nyleveper 10 19h6m
Even the current wife told him to not be stupid and just go to his son’s party. OP is just dumb.
HumbleFlames 10 1d0h43m
OP: "I feel bad.."
Also OP: "you're overreacting!"
Well, then whey the f*ck do you feel bad OP?
idbanthat 7 17h52m
I'm guessing he's on his second marriage because he had an affair with her, or this subreddit is making me see the worst in ppl
noblestromana 1691 6h8m
To me it's telling he was completely fine with missing his son's 18th birthday which is a major birthday for a lot of people for a meeting but didn't want to make his step daughter sad by missing her 11th birthday for his son's event...not even the party because he was cleaning up after the party. I high no doubt this is not the first time OP has prioritized his new family over his old one. It's great he's been a father figure for his SD but that relationship shouldn't come at the expense of his other kids.
tulipbunnys 2158 7h43m
he doesn’t want his stepdaughter to be sad if he left her party early but is perfectly fine disappointing his son for the Nth time and not bothering to show up at all, only calling after the event was over. YTA, a pathetic one.
Academic_Appeal735 22 18h42m
I always try as much as I can to use “nth” in a sentence 😂
aussie_nub 1202 8h10m
It's great he's been a father figure for his SD
Not really. Since being a father figure for her would include fathering his biological kids. She'll see and hear about what he did to the older ones and will question it when she gets old enough.
curious_crepe 366 9h48m
would she question it though? since she’s being favored and put first? i hope she does question it, but she might ignore it because she’s perfectly happy with it.
OP is the AH, 1000%.
haleorshine 133 10h47m
She may not question it now, but may wise up later when she's older, especially if Op ditches her like he has his sons
voxam72 10 15h22m
Given the step- relationship and the fact that they live so far from each other, she may never become aware. I'm not sure whether knowing or not knowing is better, tbh.
cornflower4 5 16h54m
Exactly, by that time he will probably be on to wife #3 or 4.
PossumJenkinsSoles 63 12h56m
She could grow up to be entitled and not recognize it, but I grew up with a stepdad who abandoned his biological kids when he moved in with my family and I grew to hate that man over time. I was older than 11 when it happened so I always knew it was bad, but the older I got the more disillusioned I became. It’s hard for people like that to not let their selfishness bleed into every relationship they have from time to time. When you realize a parent’s love is conditional something breaks down from there. If I passed him in the street today I’d pretend not to know who he is.
Sea-Ad9057 11 14h27m
Well when he gets divorced again and finds a new kid to focus on she will question it
City_Girl_at_heart 10 12h59m
It may also be setting the SD up to feel she can emotionally manipulate OP into prioritizing her over others in the future...
Future entitled brat, maybe?
MajorRockstar79 7 17h21m
The way he caters to her I think she’s going to grow up not caring about how he treated them… ESPECIALLY if she felt like it was on her “pretty pretty princess” behalf.
camlaw63 5 14h20m
Just wait until they have a kid together
Doodle_Brush 21 12h4m
Plus he's building resentment between his sons and his step-daughter. Kids with a large age gap generally aren't as close because of such big differences in their daily lives, and the fact that his son pointedly sailed OP is prioritising her over his "biological children" (as the son says) shows this is already happening.
OP, your step-daughter is happy now, but how happy do you think she'll be when she comes to you to ask why her two older brothers don't like her. Somehow I have a feeling you'll blame your son for that too.
Venetrix2 12 13h1m
Or she'll grow into the spoiled princess who knows daddy will always put her first. Either way, this isn't healthy.
SoleaPorBuleria 10 14h37m
It’ll be fine (until his third wife and her younger daughter).
Aggressive_Pass845 10 19h3m
Also, being a great father figure includes parenting a child. Part of parenting a child is teaching them that 1) they don't always get what they want and 2) some things are more important than other things, aka a high school graduation party trumps an 11th birthday.
Purple_Heathen 8 15h46m
Yep. When OP is on his third wife and has a new step kid, current step kid will also get tossed aside like the trash from her birthday party. She can see it coming.
Yep. When OP is on his third wife and has a new step kid, current step kid will also get tossed aside like the trash from get birthday party. She can see it coming.
Riverat627 5 15h41m
He’s overcompensating because he was not a good father to his bio kids
Fluid_Association292 265 7h59m
True. How long was this meeting? He couldn't spend lunch or an hour away to be with him. I'm sure if it was Emma he would have made the time. He assumes because they are boys they feel less. Wrong.
sweetcreamycream 213 10h6m
Yeah this guy is missing cornerstone events for his son here. 18th bday, graduation... some things that only happen once. His son is going to remember that and if he wants to continue being willfully ignorant about his actions, he's not going to have much of a relationship with his son down the line.
Aggressive_Pass845 78 19h4m
At this rate, I full expect him to skip his son's wedding because his step-daughter's dance recital is the same day (and he just cant miss that).
mdaisy1245 11 1d18h3m
If his son invites him....
ComprehensiveMode736 158 11h16m
Also, you only graduate (presumably high school) once in your life. You have more than one birthday. My personal immediate reaction (to the title) was you should go to your son's graduation party - NOT your daughter's birthday party, if it really is such tight timing. YTA especially since you said that you planned your daughters birthday party - you totally could've moved it earlier/later. YTA YTA YTA.
LF3000 27 17h30m
Yep, and it wasn't even a milestone birthday. As you say, just move the party earlier. And if that doesn't work for some reason, explain that you have to go to your son's once in a lifetime event, and make sure to celebrate with the 11 year old in other ways (do a family birthday breakfast and/or a daddy daughter celebration going to the zoo/pool/movies/whatever the next day). I mean, I know the 11 year old said she wanted him there and I'm sure she did, but was she really going to be sad the whole party if he had to leave, or would she have cheered right up as soon as her friends arrived?
mollydotdot 9 1d1h8m
She probably expressed a slight disappointment, but he's full of himself enough that he took it to mean her day would be ruined.
Elegant_Tea_6973 104 13h3m
He missed TWO important events for his son in less than a year, yet he refuses to see how he is being an AH and why his bio children are telling him he obviously prefers Emma over them...
MajorRockstar79 20 17h19m
Yoooooooo I didn’t even THINK about the dumb a$$ reason he missed sons 18th birthday but didn’t think him graduating was more important than 1 of MANY birthdays Emma would have. She would have forgotten he left her party after some time. Son will NEVER forget that he missed all of these things because something else was always more important. I feel really bad for the son… le sigh…
myself0510 16 15h24m
He missed it for "an important meeting".
Now in my 30s with a child, my phrasing is "I'm really sorry for the inconvenience/trouble, I'm not going to be in <insert date and time>" anytime there is anything child related.
Dad was the same. Job from 8 to 4. At 4pm his computer was off and he left to get home to me. He was pretty much the only one but he got away with it because at 8 am Computer was on and he was very efficient at his work.
assholyoaks 16 19h10m
Yeah and about this birthday party he missed…what time was an 18 year old having his party and what time was his “meeting?”
Dunno about you folks but I’ve never known an 18 year old’s birthday party to occur between 9-5.
tiffi_333 7 2d5h46m
Yeah, and really why wouldn't he have then taken him out to celebrate on his own afterwards then? He's clearly stating that he missed out on celebrating his sons 18th bday. Just like now if he had missed his daughter 11th bday to go to the graduation its just missed and done and thats it. Why is there no other option to celebrate it and make it special instead? The meeting wouldn't have mattered if before hand he had gone out and done something together with his son to celebrate. Work meetings are typically planned, rather than spur of the moment so I doubt he went to work that day and thats when he found out he would miss the party. He could have celebrated the day before, or at leasted come up with something really special to do for the weekend, or something.
Same goes for the daughter here. They knew for ages about the overlap and time issue. Why didn't he do lunch or something at the park with the daughter just them and give her a birthday cupcake or something. Go to the sons thing, come back and give her the bday present to finish the night while he eats cake with her or something. He chose not to do both things. And saying he had to help his wife clean up, his wife was telling him to go... the ops wife can handle that The graduation is way more important. Why is his sons graduation more important to his wife than the op, she was telling him to go multiple times...she saw the importance.
AliceInWeirdoland 212 6h32m
Right, that's the biggest thing for me. If he'd said something a month ago, he might have been able to manage a solution. Time doesn't actually 'flash forward' without someone having the ability to act during that period unless they've fallen into a coma or something.
MajorRockstar79 8 17h22m
He POSSIBLY has that remote from “Click” with Adam Sandler… and that’s how we got there with no in between action. LOL
AliceInWeirdoland 10 19h18m
Alright, well if that's the case then he clearly didn't learn the lesson from that movie that you're supposed to savor every day, so he's still TA.
MajorRockstar79 10 19h40m
I’m laughing so hard because FACTS!! He didn’t learn a SINGLE thing at ANY point in his adulthood. facepalm LOLOL
hdmx539 12 16h44m
and your weaponized incompetence is juvenile
This is fantastic.
OP, YTA.
You not only missed a milestone birthday for your son, but you missed a milestone party for your son as well. I hope you really like not having one of your sons in your life.
weevil_season 8 15h50m
And his whole ‘I lost track of time.’ Ugh. Definitely weaponized incompetence. What a jerk.
Timely_Cake_8304 8 18h20m
Exactly. Also, THE NIGHT BEFORE he tells his son, “Oh I scheduled and planned another party for the same day and time but will try to stop by to see you.”
Bluedemonfox 8 19h37m
Yeah the entire time reading made me think he didn't want to go to his sons party at all. First he said he'd leave later than he planned even though his wife told him to go. Then he started making excuses like he had to help his wife clean up...like that couldn't wait till later.
HeWhoMustBeGay 7 18h25m
weaponized incompetence is my new favorite word combination. Thank you.
Accomplished_Sky_943 473 2h50m
Also why didn't he set an alarm/ reminder to leave at a certain time. Wife didn't bother to say anything either, not that it's her responsibility, but I as his wife would have said hey isn't it time for u to get on the road?
PickleNotaBigDill 769 3h28m
She told him he should go to it. Nothing on her; she was right, he should have gone, never mind the alarm--he should have missed the sd's party and went to his son's.
DuggyPap 787 4h48m
It was a milestone event for your son, a party for his graduation. That’s a pretty big deal. That should definitely have tipped the scale in his favor on which party to attend.
YTA But don’t worry, you probably won’t have this problem again. Doubt your son will be inviting you to anything again.
Flashy-Experience-25 335 5h18m
Yep. He will wonder why his sons didn' t invite him to their weddings.
sparrowhawk75 462 6h38m
To be fair, the wedding might be on a day that Emma has her half birthday, and no way OP can miss that. He wouldn't be available to go to the wedding anyway. Emma's half birthday would clearly be more important than his son's wedding, how could OP even begin to compare those events?
/sarcasm
All_the_Bees 12 16h43m
Legit, no one on my father's side of the family came to my wedding because the stepson of one of my cousins was graduating from junior high on the same weekend.
sparrowhawk75 6 17h53m
Wow. That's awful, I'm sorry that happened
Zealousideal_Gap_867 5 21h14m
Junior high 🤦🏾♀️. Like I'm not even going to say anything about it being a stepson it's freaking junior high. I'm so sorry they are like that
JipC1963 7 14h44m
This is BRILLIANT! And probably SO true even if it IS sarcastic! Can't have poor little Emma crying! 🙄
MajorRockstar79 8 17h25m
Emma’s tea party with stuffy cat and buddy bear is planned that day. It was planned by him and his wife MONTHS ago. Why they’d have weddings that SAME day I’ll never know… it’s at LEAST a 45 minute drive to the venues and I don’t think he can make it unless he starts sweeping up the crumpet crumbs early!!
General-Yak-3741 304 5h49m
Not to mention he also missed his son's 18th birthday party for "an important meeting"
jlj1979 248 5h19m
I’ll never see how people see birthdays as this huge thing that take precedence over evevvverything else. They happen every year. I mean they are important and fun but a graduation from high school is once. At most four or five times in someone’s life.
Jester76 165 8h48m
Right. A graduation takes a lot of work. For a birthday, you just have to not die for 365 days.
Antoinette_theRed 10 21h29m
This made me LOL!!!!
Because it's true. And it wasn't a milestone birthday, like a sweet 16 or AN 18TH BIRTHDAY.
OP...YTA
williowgsc_16 96 9h6m
So true. And he lives with his stepdaughter so leaving her party early isn't a big deal. They could of done something together when he got back from seeing his son. He could of made this work. He didn't want to!!!
MajorRockstar79 13 17h26m
Birthday wasn’t huge when it came to his “important meeting”. Bet his son wishes HE was “important” to his friggin dad!!
candyjill18 500 4h49m
Also Emma needs a little lesson in not getting every single thing she wants perhaps ?
LolaBijou84 237 4h59m
Didn't even think about this but you're absolutely right. She has daddy wrapped around her little finger. He better cut that crap out before her brattiness escalates and it's not so cute anymore.
Responsible_Site1605 23 7h32m
I didn't see emma as a brat. Let's not throw her under the bus because she wanted her stepfather at her birthday. If she's a brat then so is Sam because he wanted his dad too.
LolaBijou84 17 7h35m
No she's 11. Old enough to compromise and understand that her father had other obligations to attend to. She should have encouraged her dad to see his son; not throw a fit and insist he stay her WHOLE party.
Feverel 49 7h52m
There's zero indication that she threw a fit. OP just says she was excited to have him there and then upset when he said he wouldn't. If that's all it was she didn't act out, OP just can't bring himself to tell her no. Even if she did throw a fit OP is still the adult/parent and it's his responsibility to figure out his priorities.
a112123 35 12h0m
Just so I'm clear, you think 11-year-old Emma is to blame? not the 48-year-old man who fathered Sam?
MediumSympathy 13 15h35m
"Emma told me she really wanted me to stay" is not even close to suggesting she threw a fit. Even if she had been upset, she would have had every right to be. Eleven is old enough to see that this entire situation was well within Dad's control and that no compromise should have been necessary. He scheduled her party, he knew about Sam's party, and it even sounds like he discussed the conflict with Emma in advance and told her he would do something about it but then didn't.
Also, Sam is 18 and he didn't want to compromise either, he wanted his Dad to attend his WHOLE party too.
I told Sam I would try and stop by, but he kept insisting I come for the full thing.
Riverat627 12 15h44m
Your assuming she even knew there was another party
Zealousideal_Gap_867 6 21h20m
Nah I'm sorry I can't equate this. He didn't show up for a MILESTONE birthday Sam's 18th and also couldn't be bothered to show up for a graduation celebration probably just a couple/few months later cuz people tend to turn 18 in their senior year for a NONE milestone birthday party. He's also Sam's dad wayyyy before he was Emma's stepfather. The way this dude is talking and the kid's reactions this is 1 of many times he's shown that he's not there for them like he should be. This was the final straw not the only.
jlj1979 121 5h17m
Been looking for this. Yes the world does not revolve around Emma. And that’s okay. Life is full of disappointment and not everything is about “you all the time”
LolaBijou84 96 6h17m
Unfortunately for OP's son, things do revolve around Emma. Even I'm mad for his son. So unbelievably hurt he must feel.
Feverel 21 7h47m
It's not entirely clear from OP's retelling of events that he actually told Emma 'no'. He doesn't say she threw a tantrum, just that she was sad. Honestly it seems perfectly reasonable for an 11 year old to bread that their father figure wont be at their birthday. But OP is an adult and needed to plan better or make the hard call.
You're right though, if he can't learn to tell her no and stick to it when she gets upset Emma is going to become very entitled.
Standard_Elephant415 19 8h31m
As the parent of a tween, I am honestly surprised she wanted more adults (presumably her mom was already going) at her party. I wouldn’t be surprised if the plot point of her badly wanting him at the party was a biiit exaggerated.
Riverat627 11 15h43m
She’s 11, she doesn’t know any better and probably didn’t even know about the other party. OP is over compensating for being a bad dad to his bio kids
jonesnori 9 17h15m
I think he was exaggerating her responses as an excuse for his behavior. We have nothing but the word of this man, who is trying to find any excuse for why he isn't the asshole. He probably neglects her, too.
Cloverose2 8 19h35m
Let's not blame an eleven-year-old for meeting her step-dad's needs. It doesn't sound like mom is on the same page, but step-dad really likes being needed and adored by the kid he hasn't obviously failed yet.
Just sayin', let's keep the blame where it belongs.
Scrapper-Mom 9 11h17m
He's a grown man. If he really wanted to be at son's party he would have been sure to set his own alarm and kept track of time. Don't listen to what people say, watch what they do.
Emptydata_Enzo 606 4h24m
He had no intention of going...
CheezeSmosa21 220 4h57m
I totally agree and OP purposely planned SDs party around same time as his son's party. OP total TAH
JipC1963 22 14h51m
AFTER missing his Son's EIGHTEENTH Birthday, too, because... checks post... he had an important meeting! So he RENTS a venue for a CHILD'S party whom he isn't actually biologically related to. I mean, fine, he's a StepParent, but can't be BOTHERED for his own children? Sickening!!!
DirectBar7709 132 5h31m
This. Idk why we're pretending.
throwaway_thyroid 135 8h7m
I bet he has never helped clean up after another party before.
Nelsonwith 14 11h11m
Facts
mirageofstars 6 17h46m
Lol no way! The man just loves to clean! /s
jlj1979 18 5h19m
No kidding. Spot on!
Apprehensive_Owl_281 9 6h7m
Agree
harmcharm77 99 8h12m
His wife told him to go. She did the right thing, and that’s where her involvement should end. As his wife, I definitely wouldn’t have been bugging him to get out. He’s a grown man who should know his priorities. Frankly, at that point I’d be pissed that (1) he apparently didn’t listen my advice to go, or (2) he’s making me practically force him to do something for his own good against my self-interest. (Of course she would ideally want him with her, but she clearly loves him enough to advise him as to what is best for him—it really, really sucks to practically shoo away your partner, especially when you could use some help, because he’s too useless to have the independent thought that leaving is what’s best for him.)
MajorRockstar79 16 17h29m
I think I’d be turned off by him at this point. I couldn’t… there is nothing less attractive than a deadbeat dad. ESPECIALLY if he’s mostly a deadbeat to his OWN children. That is NOT “handsome”. bleck
Appropriate_Pickle94 86 5h50m
Wife didn't bother to say anything either,
Were we reading the same post? His wife told him he should go, but OP chose not to.
BlueMoonTone 73 8h51m
Because he really didn’t want to go. He rang his son the night before saying he’d “try” to make it, then came up with numerous excuses why he couldn’t - Emma really wanted him there/would be really sad if he wasn’t, he was helping with the kids, the party, then cleaning up, then forgot about the time blah, blah, blah. That’s all rubbish - he knew he had to be at his son’s graduation party but tried to validate his way out of it. This post is another example of his trying to excuse his pathetic behaviour. He does favour Emma and he, his wife, his ex-wife and his sons know it. He’s a massive AH.
mirageofstars 13 17h48m
Yeah. I was depressed reading this. I mean when someone tells you “oh I’ll try to make it” you know they aren’t coming. How absolutely gutting for Sam. I just can’t imagine treating family that way. And he really had no excuse other than he didn’t really want to.
mammyeagle54 63 3h37m
Maybe she did. I don't think he would have mentioned it even if she did.
Accomplished_Sky_943 81 3h40m
Yes wife told him to go, I'm saying I would have, if i was his wife, (though I'm not blaming her for not saying it) would have reminded my husband to leave for the grad party.
Icy_Philosopher214 107 5h28m
Shouldn't a grown man be capable of adulting enough to keep track of time?
JohnNDenver 46 7h23m
Unless you don't give a sh*t about your son like OP. Only missed his 18th birthday and graduation - back to back events.
Civil-Pause-386 2 5h8m
Why didn't she change the date of the party. Since everybody knew about the conflict a month in advance? The current wife is not blameless.
dasbarr 6h58m
Prob because OP didn't mention it till the last minute to her either and by then the invites were already out.
catculture8 13 18h48m
Even when he saw he was getting late he was "feeling bad" and then bailed altogether. Coz he wanted to help his wife. The same wife who told him to go.Dude just admit it- you weren't going to go either way. IDK what validation you want here.You missed your son's milestone bday.You couldnt make an effort for his graduation.Both your wife and your ex agree that you did the wrong thing.Your other son is saying this is a pattern with you.
YTA. Massively. Get ready for a life full of rightfully deserved scorn from your sons.
inchantingone 12 6h58m
Me too, like handed him the keys and pushed his ass out the door& explained to my daughter what was happening and why…but something tells me that this is not the first time he’s pulled this bs.
mirageofstars 10 17h46m
He even noticed it was 6pm and he was running out of time. I would have said “ah crap I gotta run, people!” but he shrugged and was like “ah well, too late, guess I’ll stick around here.”
fangirl_273849582 7 21h9m
I don't know... somehow babying a 40s yo doesn't seem feasible when you have a 6 yo. She told him once he should go. From then on, it's on him.
Dust_in_th3_wind 6 18h49m
she told him to go she was to busy and lost rack or time and/or more like doesnt think it her place to get in son/dads relationship
assholyoaks 6 19h13m
He never intended to go to the graduation party.
I’m not a walking clock but it’s pretty hard to “lose track of time” when you have somewhere else to be and the starting tome is only one or two hours away.
KarenMaca 406 5h34m
4 to 6pm is a weird time to have a party for 11 year olds as well. Midday is much better. later in the day they can often be tired.
Of course your stepdaughter is not going to care if you miss your sons graduation party. She only wants what she wants. I do not like to minimise a childs party, but she will have many more parties, you son will only have one high school graduation party.
Considering the fact you also missed his 18th birthday party, another milestone, you should have moved heaven and earth to make his graduation party.
JohnNDenver 139 7h25m
Almost like the day and time were planned so he would have to miss son's graduation.
KarenMaca 64 7h55m
It does seem that way. It is such a weird time to have a party. Even if it had to be that time, the mom should have stayed at 11 year olds party and dad should have gone to his sons graduation party.
SenpaiRanjid 6 15h21m
Guys, OP is the asshole even without making random sh*t up.
Where I'm from 4-6 are perfectly normal times to have a birthday party for kids, they're around 11 years not 11 months old.
And by your logic we could say the ex wife purposefully planned the gradutation party on Emmas birthday. There is exactly the same evidence to that scenario in the thread as the one you painted, which is zero.
From OPs comments they already planned the party and paid for a location when the grad party has been announced, so it makes no sense, as the bday has been planned earlier.
This is not on a kid celebrating their birthday, but on OP not planning for sh*t and not making compromises.
Zealousideal_Gap_867 9 21h47m
Why would the ex-wife know when Emma's birthday was? Like truly why would that be something to notate it's not her deal for real. He already missed his sons MILESTONE birthday party probably a couple months before. Their reaction both the older and younger son saying he always does this shows this isn't a new deal. He listed 2 occasions within months.
Let's also point out even his current wife the mother of his stepdaughter he holds oh so dear told him to go to the graduation party.
Lena0001 7 10h34m
Until we were high schoolers, we always had birthday parties in the afternoon.
squeakylittlecat 266 3h58m
It's not like graduation parties are planned overnight. Surely he knew about it in plenty of time to change Emma's birthday.
IWantToCryLikeYou 205 4h17m
He knew a month in advance that both parties were on the same day
squeakylittlecat 132 4h24m
I don't understand why this even happened unless he was trying to stick it to his ex wife.
SCVerde 332 5h2m
This man is so uninvolved in his son's life that he is just a guest at a party for his son's achievement. He says he helped his wife plan his step daughters party, but not only could he not get his poop in a group to show up for his son, he also played zero part in hosting/helping with a party for his own son. And all this come after he mentions he missed his (in my country) milestone birthday celebration.
Who wants to take bets that he has never participated in planning any party for his sons?
Environmental_Belt22 146 5h50m
You make a good point. He didn’t and wasn’t planning on throwing his son a grad party at all. If he had even thought to plan one, it could’ve been on a different day and he would have even less to worry about. I’m confused as to why his party was a month later anyway but that’s beside the point. People plan graduation parties months in advance because you know the graduation is coming THE FULL SCHOOL YEAR.
And OP how did you think it would be dandy to miss TWO important events the same year? We don’t know how active you’ve been these past 6yrs in this stepchild’s life but 18 is an important year and you missed him becoming a legal adult and celebrating his graduation? That’s no effort considering both events were predetermined and you didn’t even try to leave early or go AT ALL
redline_blueline 35 6h24m
Where I’m from in the upper midwest, high school graduation parties happen all summer. It’s because everyone who knows the graduate attends and then there is less overlap. Friends, family, neighbors, everyone. It makes it especially weird that the father didn’t even show up.
dasbarr 16 7h3m
When I graduated we had a calendar to make sure there was no overlap. We all carpooled and party hopped most of the weekend. The only time some overlapped were the people in town with smaller backyards but all within walking distance of each other to make sure no one got overcrowded.
ThotsforTaterTots 14 5h54m
Poop. In a group.
That’s a new one for me lol
SCVerde 8 7h5m
Poop in a group>sh*t together....
dasbarr 9 7h0m
That's a good point. My aunt and Nana were more involved in my grad party than this guy was in his kids.
WaldoJeffers65 6 15h27m
How much do you want to bet that he never participated in planning parties for his sons or for his daughter, and that he never before helped clean up after one of his daughter's parties? It seems as if he did everything he could to make sure that he would not be at his son's party. If he had a hand in planning the party, he could have easily made it earlier in the day so he could attend both. 4PM is oddly late for a kid's party.
OneOfTheLocals 6 16h36m
Yep this is the comment. I helped plan, cook, get ready for my neighbor's daughter's grad party and her bio dad also cancelled at the last minute. So sad that they did all that work and he couldn't even be bothered to show up. Emma will have another birthday next year. This was a one time milestone.
jlj1979 8 5h20m
Do we know if the party was on her actual birthday…..
Adventurous_Leopard5 66 4h21m
Right like they could have even had her birthday party earlier or something but his own wife told him to go so I’m wondering if even she recognizes the favoritism and is trying to get through to him
Jess_Lynn8 53 5h39m
I’m thinking there has to be some kind of animosity between he and his ex wife. I can’t think of any other reason to schedule a birthday party and grad party on the same day, except to purposely try to piss each other off. Petty BS
Apprehensive_Owl_281 80 6h17m
He probably cheated on her with his second wife . The timeline he mentions is too close . Sounds like a loser dad who abandoned the first wife and kids .
mark_dennis1199 12 8h34m
Bingo!
Ancient-Awareness115 25 10h21m
His ex wife and son probably didn't know about the SD's party as he obviously doesn't communicate with any of them. I don't get why they didn't move SD's party earlier in the day
Zealousideal_Gap_867 5 21h59m
Why would or should the ex-wife know when the stepdauggters birthday was?
Jess_Lynn8 6 1d6h17m
I more so meant OP probably knew when his son’s grad party was and they should have picked a different day for the birthday party.
anon66628 11 6h24m
Or have contacted the son a month ago saying that was her bday and they are having a party, grad parties are flexible, more so the bdays. But he only called the day before?
Iforgotmypassword126 10 11h24m
And his wife even said he’s being stupid and should go to see his son.
Righteousaffair999 7 13h33m
Come on his wife planned it and he didn’t tell her about the other events timing let us be real. His wife was all for him managing both but if he had said oh my sons graduation is on Saturday can we have my step daughters party on Sunday it would have been a problem, the answer is no given how his wife was accommodating on the day of. An ounce of prevention….
Agustusglooponloop 6 23h54m
And his wife was supportive of him attending his son’s party! He can’t even use the tired old excuse of “my wife would be mad at me if I left”. I can’t understand this guy’s lack of insight here.
latefordinner__ 494 1h32m
That would mean he cared enough about his son to think like that….pretty sure he could give a sh*t about anyone who isn’t Emma lol
LadyDerri 182 2h27m
Exactly what I was thinking. If he really cared he would have had her party earlier. He was too busy being concerned over his stepdaughter being upset he might miss a few minutes of her party to even think about his son.
LolaJune25 350 2h57m
Also, it reads like he found every reason to delay leaving too. “Oh I had to help with this and that…”. His wife even told him to go (which feels like she knew what he was up to).
I don’t think he wanted to go. As everyone pointed out here, he had ample time to make a plan to effectively be at both parties that day. From moving SD’s party earlier to having a hard stop time for SD’s party…
However, the OP’s pattern behavior indicates that he really doesn’t care about his youngest son. Or maybe care about him the least… My question is why?
Foreign_Astronaut 256 3h4m
It seems that Emma is his do-over child. He's being there for her in ways he just hasn't been for his boys. Sad.
wachenikusemapoa 68 7h6m
Or Emma sees him how he wants to be seen, and is a good source of validation, while his son maybe calls him on his sh*t.
Wild_Statement_3142 22 14h30m
Yep.
He can be the hero stepdad at Emma's party, where he's praised to high heaven for stepping up and being amazing father figure for her
Or he can be the half assed father who has let his kids down over and over at his son's party, with all his ex wife's relatives giving him side eye.
He has no intention of going to his son's party because he didn't want the mirror turned on him by the people who have witnessed his sub par fathering of his sons for the past xxx years.
Foreign_Astronaut 15 9h15m
True, and this is very common with narcissist parents. I wouldn't be surprised if this OP has those tendencies.
JipC1963 8 14h56m
Doubt his Son will be "calling" him for much or ANYTHING in the future!!!
Relevant-Educator496 137 3h38m
He’s probably ashamed of his piss poor parenting and instead of taking responsibility for it, he’s avoiding any reminder of how he failed and therefore subconsciously avoiding Sam who is a living, breathing reminder of that. And it’s creating a vicious cycle where the next time he feels more anxiety about facing his failures with an added f*ck up of I missed my son’s 18th birthday, graduation party, whatever, it becomes even harder to face and it continues to snowball. That’s my theory.
honest_opinions139 86 3h39m
Not only that but I'm sure the 11yr old would have gotten over it after a few minutes of playing wither friends I doubt she would have been so sad he left that it would ruin her party. She probably just said she didn't want him to go because that's the nice thing to say
Dlraetz1 4 12h42m
How hard is it to reschedule an 11 year old’s party. Emma, honey, your party will be on Saturday since Sam’s party is on Sunday.
End of discussion
Franchuta 28 2h3m
^ This 100%
Dashcamkitty 9 5h18m
He should just count himself out of his son's life now. I can see the boy going no contact with AH dad.
Liathano_Fire 278 3h37m
She's going to have plenty of birthdays, and this wasn't even a milestone.
He only graduates once from high school.
somaticconviction 148 4h34m
I don’t remember my 11th birthday but I certainly remember high school graduation.
NancyWeb 6 5h18m
This. There will be other birthday parties but only one HS grad
Corduroycat1 3 13h52m
He WAS there for the graduation! He just was not there for the party for it, which for some reason was held a month later...
dumbname1000 172 3h10m
YTA
Yeah exactly, he and his wife were the ones planning Emma’s party, the schedule was 100% within their control.
KMCINWNY 137 4h50m
And if his current wife wanted him to go, why was he helping to pick up the party? This whole thing makes no sense.
YTA Your son was pretty clear on a reasonable expectation and you failed him, he’ll likely start going to minimal if not a complete lack of contact with you. You might have lost your son over a graduation party that happens once, maybe twice and is based on an actual achievement. Your stepdaughter has plenty of birthdays coming up, she won’t even remember this one. But your sons will.
ThatFatGuyMJL 40 4h51m
The thing makes perfect sense
Here's a terrible father
Help_meToo 7 19h34m
I don't think was ever planning on going to the party. He was planning on going the next day. He is trying to make it look like, oops things happened and I couldn't make it. Cleaning up from the party was more important than going to his son's party.
SiteElectrical8401 129 2h44m
Why wasn’t he involved in the planning of his sons graduation party?
Ursula2071 145 3h35m
Because he lives an hour away and a graduation isn’t that big of a deal. His son will have another 1 next year- OP probably.
Repulsive-Avocado682 15 6h38m
OP probably.
A slight correction op certainly
shhh_its_me 60 2h35m
Yeah OP had control/a lot of input into the Bday party not checking if it conflicted with his sons graduation was thoughtless.
mommak2011 40 4h7m
Even if he couldn't, kids have a birthday every year. His son will Maybe graduate a few more times, between which he can attend every one of his stepdaughter's bdays.
Premodonna 18 5h40m
I think OP deep down and will not admit, even to himself, he did not want to make the trip to his sons once in a lifetime high school graduation. That his first family is to much work.
ThatFatGuyMJL 15 5h42m
He probably sees them as a lost cause.
Hence why he's so afraid to dissapoint his step daughter.
This is his do over family
He can't be arsed to do the work to fix his past mistakes so he tries not to make mistakes.
And because of that he's making worse ones.
I give it a few years before SD starts thinking 'if I mess up will he abandon me too'
Emm03 9 8h38m
He could have—at the very, very least—busted his ass to get over there the second the birthday party ended. We’ve all shown up to the last half hour of an event when another ran late. We’ve all had to rush from one thing to another, change in the car, apologize for being late, whatever.
OP would still be TA for showing up at the end of the party (he should have talked to his wife and daughter about the conflict when it first came up and either rescheduled the birthday party or arranged for him to miss it), but when he had the opportunity to do even the bare minimum he just couldn’t be assed to take it. People put effort into things they truly want to do.
My ex’s parents are incredibly dysfunctional people who can barely be in the same room (same state, honestly), and they threw separate graduation parties for him. If those people are setting the bar for coparenting, things are f*cked.
Plantsandanger 16 5h26m
My bet is wife even would’ve agreed to that, she wanted him to go to sons grad party because she knew it was important - but op didn’t listen. Op didn’t listen to his son, his wife, or even abide by his own agreements. He’s blaming an 11 yr old and “losing track of time” for failing to show up to celebrate a major milestone for his son, and then trying to diminish his sons feelings about it. Op constantly mentions the 11yr olds feelings but ignores or minimizes his sons feelings. Op has guaranteed he’ll not be invited to any future celebrations by his son.
yonk182 13 6h1m
And he even chose to clean up instead of going. I wouldn’t talk to him again either.
SherbetOrganic8210 13 6h12m
Sam graduated back in June and was having a graduation party a month later.
The day before their parties, I told Sam I would try to stop by, but he kept insisting I come for the full thing. I told him I'd try, but Emma's birthday party is on the same day, and my wife and I have been planning it for over a month now.
Or he could've, oh I don't know, tried planning this out earlier than the day before the parties. Both had at least a month to sort this out.
So many ways OP could've avoided being TA.
I hope OP realizes his son will remember the favoritism, whether they have an amicable relationship moving forward or not. I remember when my Step-brother totalled my Step-mothers car in a fit of teenage stupidity, speeding down a street without a license (he didn't get injured thankfully). They completely paid to replace the car.
Ironically, about 2 weeks later I ruptured a disc in my lower back in a snowboarding incident. Previously my father had helped me with medical issues since I was in college. However, this time he had the stance of "I need to learn that there are consequences to risky actions" so I had to pay my medical bill, which was 5% the cost of the car replacement.
That's always been a sting in the back of my mind and idk how to forget about it when associating with my father.
Ellareen92 12 12h31m
YTA
This was an 11-year olds birthday party and you planned it for OVER A MONTH??? No wonder your son is mad. You also said you didn’t miss “a lot” of his events, how many of hers have you missed?I get that it sucks to live so far away and that it’s hard to be present in all three of your kids life. But I feel that this could have been planned differently or at least communicated differently.
You could have at LEAST offered him before hand that in case you can’t make it to the party to take him out for a nice dinner to celebrate the two of you.
Also: it sounds like you didn’t even cancel properly, you just didn’t show up. Imagine your sons disappointment, hoping that his dad would show up, after specifically telling you he wants you to be there and then you don’t come at all and only call him after the fact.
wispytrees 10 7h31m
Not to mention, they could have even rescheduled the birthday to a different day altogether. Most birthday parties aren’t on the actual birthday, I don’t see the problem? Besides, an 11th birthday isn’t a huge deal, there will be many more birthdays to come. You only graduate once, and it’s pretty big.
Practical-Big7550 9 5h50m
You have to love how an 11 year old girl dictates how a grown man acts. She doesn't want "daddy" to leave. So "daddy" doesn't leave. Your step-daughter needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her.
I can certainly see how his son's perceive him as always catering to her whims.
FullGuide5069 9 7h29m
The fact that OP didn’t put any thoughts or effort to work things out clearly shows his priorities. Poor Sam and Andy.
Edit: typo
The fact that OP didn’t put any though or effort to work things out clearly shows his priorities. Poor Sam and Andy.
theTruthDoesntCare 8 4h33m
This is why YTA. You could absolutely have organised things and your time to do both. It sounds like you just couldn't be bothered and thought you could get away with skipping your sons event.
YTA for not making the effort to organise in a way where you could do both. After that ship had sailed YTA for not leaving your daughter's party in time to make your sons event as well.
Sounds like you have work to do to demonstrate to your sons that they don't come second to your step daughter.
Penguinator53 8 12h37m
Also it's only her 11th bday not a special one like 10th or 16th...there will be plenty of other birthdays but usually only 1 graduation. I feel sad for the son.
Lilybit09 7 6h18m
Spot on. I feel like OP is leaving out sine details
kmfdmretro 7 7h3m
OP could have done any of those things if he actually cared.
slothywaffle 6 4h27m
I read it as he knew about both parties at least a month beforehand. Why wasn't rescheduling discussed? Or why did he not tell his son until the day before? There are a lot of poor choices here.
roseofjuly 6 4h58m
yeah, I had a lot of questions about why these two parties had to happen at nearly the exact same time
FlaviuJosephus 13 6h3m
Because OP doesn't give a f about his son. He's just an annoyance to him and he never wanted to go tonhis celebration. Yiu can see hiw he scheduled the party at the same time and hkw he dragged his feet "cleaning" to be sure he will never make it. Even his wife told him to leave and, again, he never gave a f!!
Clearly, he doesn't care about Sam and he doesn't make any effort to disguise it.
Rolix_Rubix 6 9h33m
Yeah but then he doesn't have an excuse to miss his son's graduation.
MotherTeresaOnlyfans 6 13h32m
But then his precious stepdaughter might have felt SAD and the world would have ENDED.
lisaneedsbraces81 5 5h3m
You would never catch me at a kids party at 9 am ugh.
ThatFatGuyMJL 6 5h4m
I mean... do you have kids?
Coz... that changes things if you dont
lisaneedsbraces81 3 5h7m
Yes, I am a mother. Have been for 11 years.
ThatFatGuyMJL 3 5h10m
Then less concerning than a random person going to a child's birthday regardless of time
lisaneedsbraces81 6 5h13m
Hey I’ll crash any party with cake just not until at least noon.
to_to_to_the_moon 4 11h59m
This. If he'd contacted the son as soon as he realised, the son could maybe have pushed it back, or said "oh the party will probably go a bit longer than 7.30." Combined with pushing the kid's party forward, it could have been easy to make both. Also did he HAVE to stay and help clean up when he knew the graduation party was happening? Nope. He chose to stay, and didn't even tell his son he wasn't coming. Major YTA.
Anomalyyyyyyyyy 4 14h10m
I have a strong feeling that this man doesn’t “favor” any of the kids rather he favors his own comfort and what’s convenient for him. Driving an hour out by yourself and then back isn’t convenient for him so he rather stay for the kid party that his own wife told him to leave. Let’s be real, 11 year olds get caught up with their friends at birthday parties, they’re not looking for their stepdad to be around the ENTIRE time.
This man is just selfish, he chose himself.
Ok-Simple5493 3 4h23m
Or just plan it for a different day.
No-Expert5800 3 6h37m
Because they are adults and they think they have plenty of time but then they lose track of time and stuff /s
^ somehow that /s must be read in the voice of a four-year-old child
SunFrost777 3 6h38m
Or tell his son of the conflict weeks ahead of time? Either one could have been moved, but he waited until the day before.
Far-Season-695 838 1h51m
I mean it’s pretty telling that Emma’s mom also thought OP should have went to his sons graduations. So def YTA
Verustratego 289 3h11m
I mean he friggin lives in the same household as his step daughter so she sees him every day. If he left for a couple of hours to go to his son's birthday then he would have returned home to Emma eventually regardless.
Gareth79 58 3h58m
There's so many solutions as mentioned - move her party's time, extend it, have TWO parties (who wouldn't want two?!)
inchantingone 10 7h9m
Lol my daughter (an only child) has at least two parties: a family party and a friend party. Reason: why not? there’s cake.
theresbeans 10 5h41m
This is such an important point. OP - you didn't just miss your kid's graduation. You are missing the day-in day-out life with them. You're missing the moments when your kid needs a hug. You're missing the moments when your kid needs someone to confide in. You're missing the moment when your kid comes home excited about a little victory they had that day. You have already been missing SO MUCH of your own kid's life while you provide all that to your step-child. Your kid is missing their dad every single day. He has ONE graduation from high school. And you missed that, too, just so that you could give the kid who already gets nearly all of your time a birthday celebration.
YTA. In an ENORMOUS, GARGANTUAN way.
Nopenevereverever 5 4h30m
But she would’ve been sad!!🙄🙄🙄
PresentationFew2014 136 3h30m
Right?! He claims he had to stay and help his wife clean up, but she wanted him to go. She didn’t want his help. It’s like he was stalling himself so he would miss it
FlaviuJosephus 22 6h7m
It’s like he was stalling himself so he would miss it
It's exactly his inrention and what he actually did : he never wanted to go to Sam's and made any effort in the book to miss it.
ViolaVetch75 6 6h42m
This suggests to me that all the "help" he thinks he gave to that party was actually not all that necessary. If she thinks he was an idiot for not going she was clearly not drowning in all the work of the party -- or his actually contribution was not as big as he thinks it is.
kevwelch 611 1h52m
And let’s not overlook that his ex-wife AND his current wife agree that he should have gone to his son’s party. How often does that happen?
StarStuffSister 132 4h6m
Exactly.
When enemies (or people with big incentives to take opposite sides) agree, pay attention.
TheLoveliestKaren 41 6h55m
Yea, it seems like everyone in his life aside from the 11 year old agrees with the son on this one, even the lady who is vastly predisposed to side with the step daughter.
OP really shouldn't need a bunch of strangers to weigh in.
imdungrowinup 19 12h47m
Are we even sure the 11 year old in fact asked him to stay or it's just OP's version of things?
mirageofstars 7 17h53m
Right. I would guess at least some normal 11 year olds would support their dad being a “good dad” and visiting their other family for a bit. “Okay daddy, tell Sammy I said hi, and I’ll see you later tonight for dessert!”
rj20876 15 5h38m
Enough that older son isn't talking to him either.
Feverel 8 7h55m
I wonder if he even told his wife beforehand or if he only mentioned it once he got chewed out.
Hot_Personality_8818 470 2h29m
Not to mention it speaks volumes that the oldest son (Andy, not the one who graduated) also feels this way. If both kids feel OP is playing favourites, perhaps he is.
Elementary57 190 3h35m
He keeps insisting that he's been really fair about attending his sons' stuff, and yet everyone else seems to see things differently. I think OP needs to sit down with his sons and have a discussion about what they've experienced vs what he thinks he's done regarding any attention he has or hasn't given the boys since the divorce. I have a feeling it's going to be an eye opening discussion for OP and not in a good way. YTA
TaxHedgehog 268 4h4m
He claims he hasn’t missed many of the son’s events, and then in the very next sentence reveals he missed the son‘s 18th birthday. OP’s lack of self-awareness is astounding
Beowulf2005 89 4h36m
Don’t think the sons have any interest in sitting down with dad. That ship has sailed.
inchantingone 8 7h11m
Sad, but probably true.
oishster 73 4h53m
That was the part that flabbergasted me. He’s already missed one milestone event, but he’s not even self-aware enough or ashamed enough to put in any effort into making it up to his son?!There were lots of ways around this and he didn’t take any of them. OP, YTA
MajorRockstar79 7 17h37m
Faaaaacts!! He’s COMPLETELY oblivious and delusional. Smh…
Hot_Personality_8818 13 3h40m
100% I agree. Communication is the key here and from what I can tell from this post, his kids feel unheard and (in my personal interpretation/opinion - cuz I would do the same) are going no contact because of this, fed up.
I understand OP may be wanting to be present for all of his stepdaughters milestones since she’s younger, but there is no expiration date for needing your parent. Even when your an adult you want your parents there for you. My heart would be broken if my parents didn’t come to my graduation party. You work your whole adolescence, leading up to that moment and sure the dad made it to the commencement. But the party is the more intimate celebration with everyone you love. I don’t remember my 11th birthday. I sure as hell remember my whole graduation party.
FlaviuJosephus 11 6h25m
I think OP needs to sit down with his sons and have a discussion about what they've experienced vs what he thinks he's done
Nah, he knows very well what he did regarding his bio-sons. He doesn't give a f about them. You see how OP even made any effort to be sure mje will never make it to Sam's "oooohhhh, how much I have to cleeeannnnn", and miss Sam's 18th birthday, etc.
The only enigma is: it's cuz he doesn't love them or he thinks "nah, they're bous, they should man uo, they aren't allow to their feelings, they shouldn't have feeleings. Just play sports, drink beer and f you!"
skyfall1985 146 4h7m
Both kids, his wife, and his ex all telling him and he comes to Reddit strangers...
Hot_Personality_8818 67 4h17m
He really wanted to be right lmaoooo
TheFilthyDIL 35 5h1m
This Reddit stranger says "YTA, OP." How many of your sons' events have you actually attended? Two or three? Did you even go to his actual graduation?
SkrogedScourge 10 7h0m
These ones always make me laugh someone will see it my way and I won’t be the giant asshole everyone thinks I am.
Notwastingtimeiswear 371 3h43m
ALSO HE MISSED HIS SONS 18TH BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A MEETING.
Sorry to yell. But it's more than once. It's a pattern. This guy chooses anything over his son.
yokononope 153 4h54m
Those darn 24 hours meetings that you just can't get away from.
jowacr 10 13h51m
Yep! 😂 “oh sorry kids meeting went from 3pm-9pm missed the whole day my bad” he’s probably cheating on his new wife haha
Gray_Overcast 79 6h22m
I also noticed he said he loved her to death instead of saying I love them all to death...
Tell us you have a favorite without telling us you have a favorite.
Mikki_Is_Art 13 14h56m
I noticed that too, how do you have three children, yet only express your affection for one of them WHILE trying to prove that you don't pick favorites?
MajorRockstar79 11 17h43m
I’d DIE for this one… THAT one I wouldn’t miss a team meeting for…
cagingnicolas 13 14h23m
he f*cking chose cleaning up a party over his son.
MajorRockstar79 6 17h42m
Facts!! “I saw a Snicker bar getting harassed and beaten on the side of the road on the way to your wedding and he really wanted my help so I stopped to help him put his peanuts back inside his caramel and lost track of time… so I couldn’t make it Son.”
Lali777 359 2h31m
YTA
Exactly!!! He doesn’t even seem to realize that he lost both of his kids due to his actions. Plus catering to the wants of his SD is just going to create an entitled teenager. I really don’t understand why he just didn’t take her out to a birthday breakfast or lunch just the 2 of them and then gone to his son’s graduation party which is now 2 back to back major milestones in his son’s life that he missed. Then he has the audacity to feign unawareness to why this is happening saying it’s not true blah blah blah 😑 unbelievable some people
Razzmatazz_Certain 117 4h16m
Adding on to this, he better hope this relationship lasts. He’s placed all his eggs in the one Emma basket. He may end up on Reddit crying about not seeing his grandkids from the ignored sons and his stepdaughter leaving him behind for her bio family.
MajorRockstar79 8 17h38m
“YOURE NOT MY FATHER!!” facepalm
KayakerMel 74 4h34m
Yup, OP is going to join my father in the "Why do none of my children talk to me?" club. Although it sounds like he's exactly like my father and it's all our faults because he's great in everything he's ever done and has totally treated all of us fairly. 🙄
DanyDragonQueen 9 9h57m
Yeah we're big meanies who refuse to forgive, when they haven't even apologized properly
Lali777 8 8h30m
Exactly and it’s always poor me they are so ungrateful blah blah blah
Sarahcrutch1 289 3h8m
YTA
Not to mention he f*cking graduated which is a huge accomplishment, like the first big step in adulthood, and she will have tons of other birthday parties. You should have explained to her why you couldn’t be there but it seems like you absolutely made your decision and did in fact choose Emma over your son.
Winnimae 231 3h28m
Oh no, his oldest son said that he always chose Emma over him as well. The oldest son (Andy) is the 20 yr old, not the one who just graduated (Sam). Both sons say the dad always chooses Emma over them.
Sorry OP, it’s unanimous. YTA and you do not treat your children fairly.
cagingnicolas 5 14h24m
they probably remind him of his ex. i hate when parents let that sh*t get in the way.
skyfall1985 217 4h1m
I never miss his events!...except two huge milestone celebrations within a few months.
Two kids, your wife, and your ex wife are telling you you f*cked up and you come to Reddit to see if you can finally get a different verdict.
YTA
Phoenixflame3009 167 3h40m
What’s worse is OP didn’t even try and make an attempt to be there for his son; he allowed himself to be steamrolled by a literal child and threw his hands up, like, “welp, the boss said no, what can I do?” Hmm, I dunno. Maybe—and bear with me here, this is gonna sound really radical but just bear with me—he could…act like a parent, to both of his children, and say “no, todays important to your brother too, I want to be fair to you both and be there for him like I’ve been there for you, I hope you can understand.” Crazy, I know, but it’s better and less harmful I think than blatantly playing favorites like OP has been doing.
SerialPizzaThief 45 5h32m
Even when it was time to leave, he decided he had too much to help his wife with. His wife, who TOLD HIM TO GO. He never intended to go to son’s grad party.
cagingnicolas 7 14h25m
his wife told him to go and he even stayed to clean up.
this guy is avoiding his son.
JWJulie 10 10h56m
He’s just blaming his step daughter for him not going, because he just doesn’t want to admit he couldn’t be bothered to make the effort.
mythicalmissvickey 7 13h31m
This, I don't think he always chooses Emma I think he always chooses what is easiest.
yokononope 104 3h31m
OP has now put things ahead of his son for two occasions that mark the start of your transition from childhood to adulthood. It's bad enough that a meeting trumped his 18th birthday but now his dad couldn't even be bothered to at least split his day between the two parties.
OP YTA, and you know you are. You can spit platitudes all you want about how you "couldn't make an 11 year old sad" but that's just manipulative BS and I'm sure your son is very used to that kind of garbage from you now. You don't get to be a good dad to just one kid and expect the world to thank you for it.
OddAsk9838 92 3h41m
OP, she's 11. She's programmed to cry and demand that you stay longer. You tell her "I'll be here for 1.5 hours and then I go see your big brother, because that's fair." You're making weirdly bad decisions because 11 year old girls are good at making you feel guilty, apparently. YTA.
PaleApplication9544 7 12h8m
Tf kind of 11 year olds do you guys see? Me or my siblings haven't cried since we hit 5
Juniperfields81 83 4h0m
2 big important events in a kid's life are turning 18 and graduating high school, and the celebrations for his kid's both were ignored for an 11 year old's birthday party he had control over and plenty of notice to adjust timing, and a work meeting.
Dude had no intention of going to his son's party. Emma is his sun and moon. His son is just a kid he shares with an ex.
FlaviuJosephus 13 6h29m
Dude had no intention of going to his son's party. Emma is his sun and moon. His son is just a kid he shares with an ex.
Exactly. His bio-sons are just annoyances to him.
daytripper187 43 3h34m
I agree, not to mention he chose the day before to reach out to his son.
OP made excuses and chose to lose track of time. His wife already had suggested he go so it's not like she was keeping him and asking him to stay around and help. There was probably others who could have helped her.
He also seems to think it's okay to miss his son's bday because of a meeting, but I bet he wouldn't have missed SD's.
A graduation party is very important to the graduate and OP's son was probably disappointed and embarrassed his dad didn't show up.
Could OP be using SD as a do over?
boxing_coffee 26 3h48m
This. Also, if OP is in the US then turning 18-years-old and graduation are looked at somewhat as milestones. He didn't even try to prioritize his son, and this isn't something that he can just make up another time.
MzQueen 6 6h53m
Oh, he’ll try to make it up by inviting his sons to the huge, over the top 18th birthday and graduation parties he throws for Emma. /s
Decent_Bandicoot122 26 3h53m
Love how he played into the, "I want you to stay," from Emma. Total brat. OP's wife knows the game and she told him to go.
KayakerMel 15 4h38m
Eh, kids say this but could easily be distracted by running around more with her friends pretty easily. This is definitely on OP. OP should have sat her down, explained that he loves all his children and so has to go spend some time at his big party because they fell on the same day. Heck, it could have been a great lesson on empathy by asking Emma how she would feel if OP didn't show up when he had promised he would.
Chemical-Pattern480 12 4h39m
I have a family member like this.
Divorced from wife #1, and had a great relationship with his kid from that relationship… until he met wife #2.
She has 3 youngest kids from her prev abusive marriage, and they look at my relative like he hung the moon. At this point his bio-kid recognizes that he’s full of sh*t, plus add in being a teenager who doesn’t want to spend time worshipping their dad, and he doesn’t understand why bio-kid resents the sh*t out of the step-kids. Meanwhile, my relative is enjoying his nuclear family, Leave it to Beaver fantasies with the new kids, because they all think he’s the best Dad ever, because he’s not a junkie who hits their mom.
Husband and I have done what we can with the bio-kid, to remind them they have family who loves them unconditionally, but it’s just sad, all around.
SanakiDayo 9 16h16m
The son - "you're the AH"
Oldest son - "you're the AH"
The wife - "you're the AH"
Ex wife - "you're the AH"
OP - "it's not true, he's overreacting. Right, reddit?"
Reddit - "you're the AH"
OP - "idk man, maybe I'll just ask Emma"
aussie_nub 7 8h9m
I didn’t go to his 18th birthday party
Ummmm... everyone seems to be skipping over this equally as important fact.
jjking83 6 5h3m
His wife, Ex-wife, and both his sons say he messed up. He also missed his son's 18th birthday. But it's not him it's everyone else!
You're a massive AH OP.
puesyomero 5 5h40m
When the ex and current wife agree he sucks its a real bad sign.
whatproblems 3 5h29m
he also choose to clean up rather than get going
National-Platypus144 3 5h30m
He was to lazy to go and it wasn't much of a choice since he just ignored his son. He called his son day before the party where I am sure he had plenty of notice, he didn't call that he won't make it and for his 18th birthday he had a business meeting that took the whole day and he couldn't carve out 2,5 hours to drive to him, spend a moment with him and then go back. His son should be happy with any attention and affection he get's from his dad and don't be such an entitled brat (sarcazm).
Pupniko 3 10h47m
He also says he loves Emma to death and has nothing positive to say about his son. I'm guessing there are a lot of times he picked Emma over him. I wouldn't even be surprised if Emma was deliberately begging him to stay at her party just to drive a wedge.
YTA, you could have left Emma's party at 5 and it would have been fine.
TSS997 3 14h55m
Emma’s party was from 4-6 and Sam’s was from 4:30-7:30, so I was thinking I had plenty of time. I live over an hour away from my son, so I was planning to leave early. Anyway, I was helping my wife with a lot of stuff, taking care of the kids, and other things.
I'm confused at how a 46M doesn't understand how time works. Putting a side the month notice to come up with a better plan. The last minute plan of attending both would've worked, OP just should've left. Unless OP drives a Delorian I'm not sure why they thought things would work out differently.
WhizmoAlke 2 4h51m
YTA. When your ex wife and current wife are agreeing on something you should probably take it as true.
LookingForAPetRescue 2 5h16m
He didn't even choose Emma. He choose to 'help his wife'
Daskesmoelf_8 11100 S 4m
YTA you couldve done both things, but catered to your stepdaughter. It wasnt even a round or particularly important birthday either, whilst a graduation is an actual accomplishment. Especially on top of you missing his 18th birthday which is one of the important birthdays i mentioned.
ironwolf56 4872 1h26m
Even dude's frickin' WIFE told him which one he should pick (the son's graduation party) but OP still here like "idk reddit I don't think I'm playin' favorites!"
DogsandCatsWorld1000 1886 3h20m
This is what I was thinking. Emma's mother, knowing she would have been left to clean up after the party without him, still said he should have gone. The fact that he does not think this prioritized Emma makes him an unreliable witness when he says he doesn't regularly favour her over the son.
YaminiC 866 4h7m
She seems like a nice lady. I love stories when the new wife understands the obligations and concerns of the kids of previous marriage
Professional-Let-517 245 5h55m
I know right? If only OP could do the same he would not be in this mess.
shrimpandshooflypie 364 3h50m
It kind of sounds like he’s avoiding this son a bit, doesn’t it? After missing his 18th birthday, you’d think he’d be extra eager to attend this one. I wonder what the real story is. Poor Sam.
rationalomega 6 22h26m
Some parents think their children’s emotional needs matter less and less as they age. So an 18 year old always matters less than an 11 year old who matters less than a 3 year old. My parents did this crap, and I bought into it. But as a parent myself, I recognize that as a child ages they handle more of their own needs but the parent fills in the gaps — and the ratio is dynamic and requires an attuned parent to rebalance day to day. Which is the real reason my parents didn’t bother as they didn’t value emotional closeness.
mmmbopdoombop 57 12h17m
"No dear, stop telling me to go see my son on this important day. I insist on staying here to help you tidy up after the party."
sleepyplatipus 41 13h25m
Both sons say he’s playing favourites… I wonder how many other times he chose his daughter over them. YTA
Livefromsnooseville1 8 21h13m
The fact that Emma hasn’t been able to grasp that she has other siblings, I bet he rarely sees his other kids.
Entire-Level3651 459 2h25m
Right? Like the kid is 11, she’s old enough to understand and not throw a fit like a little four year old if she didn’t get her way. Why was she insisting you stay op? Did she not have her friends there to hang out with her? Why did you have to be there the entire time? Seems like knows you drop your kids for her and she enjoys it. YTA
tired_mommy1928 229 3h58m
My SD is 11 and she'll ask for anything and everything she thinks of to see if you'll do it. That's just how kids are. But then you just say "no" and they move on to the next thing. You don't cater to their every whim. I'm sure if OP left, Emma would've just shrugged and gone on playing with her friends at the party.
Definitely sounds like OP is making excuses for not going to the son's party.
On_my_raft 194 3h29m
But, daddy, she wants an oompa loompa now!!!
throwaway4201969 18 4h23m
Quiet you nit!
Plantsandanger 115 5h29m
I’m pretty sure, given ops telling of events, he’s just blaming the 11 yr old for saying stuff like “please come to my party”. I bet $10 op never said “I need to leave for my sons grad party” and step daughter never replied “no! stay!”
PettiSwashbuckler 23 11h14m
11-year-olds are two years away from being teenagers. They are absolutely old enough to understand ‘I already promised I’d do this.’
Plantsandanger 6 1d0h44m
Yup. Which is why I’m still blaming op and looking at him sideways for blaming the 11 yr old
beaniebae37 9 16h14m
She’s 11, I highly doubt she’s old enough to be manipulative in such a way. I also have big doubts that Emma put as much pressure to stay at the party as OP is describing here. Putting 0% blame on the small child’s and 100% on OP. And It sucks for Emma too because one day she’ll probably struggle with the guilt of feeling like she “stole” their father.
Just because the boys are no longer cute and little like Emma does not make them less deserving of your love, time, effort and attention. They are your adult children! When you disappoint them, they may not have big doe eyes filled with tears like this little girl does, but they hurt just the same… Actually, they probably hurt more because they’re old enough to understand all the logic behind how you treat them. They’re able to understand how low they are on your priority list and how little they matter to you. I am so sad for these boys :(
SenpaiRanjid 6 15h10m
Sorry, but this is not the 11yr olds fault. Ofc she'd be upset if her apparent father figure would not attend her birthday. Having emotions is not sth you should shame a literal child about and it didn't seem like she had a fit.
This is absolutely on OP that never bothered to find a solution and then grasped at the next best thing to be like 'hmm can't attend now can I?'.
This whole thing should've been dealt with in the 4 weeks prior to the parties. Could anyone move theirs (& yes, I'm also including the graduation party here, as it seems to be a private one & putting that on the step-siblings birthday is not a fine move either)? Could the timeslot be different? But that this has not happened is not the childrens fault but OPs.
PsycheAsHell 351 2h45m
And keep in mind, both of the times he's skipped his son's parties are within the same year. It's not like OP just missed two major events in his whole son's life, he skipped out on probably the only two major events in his son's life so far, after turning 18. I wouldn't doubt this will continue to happen because OP would rather raise an actual child than be present in his adult children's lives.
magneticeverything 171 4h51m
I’ve been looking for this comment! This is is such an important point! He skipped out of 2 major milestones THIS YEAR.
No matter what his son’s post-grad plans are, this was probably the last big celebration he would have been invited to be involved in for several years! He missed BOTH big milestone events before his kid flies the nest. And he’s have to be insane to think that wouldn’t make a huge impression as his son starts building his own life now as a young adult… OP shouldn’t be surprised if his son builds himself a new life that doesn’t have room for him in it.
Also you don’t get extra points for showing up to the graduation ceremony. That’s basically the bare minimum a decent parent should do when their kids accomplishes something important.
Isazuc 29 6h21m
Op also said “I haven’t miss a lot of his events so I think he is overreacting”
What’s a lot? Cause it doesn’t seem like this are isolated incidents and if I had to guess I’m guessing a lot of the missing events had to do with Emma. Who OP loves to death not like apparently dramatic sons.Definitely the AH
lapis_laz10 13 12h9m
Please, he only misses 1 birthday per year, those are just 18 missed events tops
balancedgray 8 13h58m
Absolutely. The son turns 18 and dad totally makes him a non-priority. I wonder if this is also the point where child support and visitation ends. Way to send the message that you only kept in touch when he was a child because you had to.
That is a two way street and OP won’t be hearing from his son much in the future. OP should have been there with a gift from step-mom and Emma.
dragonsfriend-9271 6 12h11m
Wouldn't be surprised if it came out he missed the eldest son's milestones too.
gnirpss 70 4h53m
Seriously, I don't think I even had a party for my 11th birthday because it coincided with a pretty major holiday and I, a child, wasn't even mad. Birthdays happen every year, it's not the end of the world if Dad leaves early. Depending on what the son's plans for the future are, this may well be the only graduation party he ever has. YTA, OP, and you owe your son a big apology.
Fyrekill 65 9h49m
INFO: Do you want your sons to hate you? If the answer is yes dont worry anymore - you are doing fine.
INFO2: Are you ****** stupid?
YTA of course. If my father did this to me (missing the 18th bday included) i would hate him. Difference is that my father actually loves me and would never do this.
lllollllllllll 27 8h7m
I think he was too lazy to drive to the son’s party since he lives over an hour away. I bet this was the real reason he didn’t manage to do both things even thought it would’ve been pretty simple to do.
ninetyninewyverns 20 6h44m
there will be plenty more birthday parties to come for the daughter. you only graduate highschool once. OP is TA for sure. 11 isnt even a milestone. 18 and grad are both major milestones, and he missed both???
ArkieRN 17 6h43m
Exactly, a birthday is just one more year alive (no big accomplishment). But graduations celebrate 12(+) years of school which is a big deal!
And after missing his 18th birthday!The step-kid’s party could have certainly been planned at a different time if it had to be on the same day.
It sounds like OP wanted to skip son’s gathering and is trying to make excuses now. He is definitely TAH!
Extension_Swimming_9 11 1d0h4m
This. Emma will have more birthdays, but graduations come once in a long while. You couldn’t move Emma’s birthday party? By being wishy-washy, you ended up going with Emma’s flow and hurting Sam. Good that you apologized, but try to see from Sam’s side of things and understand if he doesn’t forgive you. It sounds like there are more times where you chose Emma over him, but you didn’t realize it before.
digclay 9 15h50m
What I don’t get is the weight behind each party. A birthday party for an 11y/o is important, but it’s not like the kid had to work for it, really she just had to exist for 11 years. OP’s son had to put in YEARS OF f*ckING WORK to earn his party!!! The parties are not on the same level of importance, we have lots of birthdays but only graduate HS once.
thetaleofzeph 7 17h29m
This guy has no skill at doing emotional labor and doesn't seem to realize it's a thing he needs. Emotional labor is real work and seemingly often left to women in relationships.
Motor_Crow4482 6876 G x 2 7m
YTA. This is a pattern, and he's called you out on it. Your wife even encouraged you to do the right thing and you still ignored it. Minimizing his hurt as "overreactions" is very sad for him; he is obviously feeling rejected by you. Think carefully about the relationship you want to have with him, because continuing this pattern is like asking for him to reject you from his life in the future. Do you want him to introduce future SOs to you? To be invited to his wedding, and have relationships with any future kids? Do you want to be a part of his successes? Because right now it doesn't seem like it, and it's hurting him.
Own your behavior, apologize, and do better in the future.
Far_Nefariousness773 1088 1h18m
Exactly and he doesn’t have to worry. From the post both his sons decided this was the last straw.
MonOubliette 649 2h2m
Yeah, I have to agree. OP shouldn’t be surprised if one or both of his sons go NC for this. Poor Sam. His dad didn’t care enough to go to his 18th birthday or graduation party.
OP, YTA. Hope Emma’s party was worth it.
Far_Nefariousness773 326 2h25m
Yeah it super sad. My friends dad was like that with his new family. Would tell him he’s older and he should understand. That’s was in college. We are almost 30 now and he’s hasn’t spoken to his dad since his missed college graduation.
MonOubliette 188 5h33m
I believe it. I see at least one of these posts a week where the parent ditches the bio kids in favor of the step kids and then wonders if they’re TA. Like, YES. OBVIOUSLY, YTA.
I saw one where the father wasn’t going to walk his daughter down the aisle because it upset his stepdaughter since his bio daughter was getting married before her. And he came to this sub genuinely wondering if he was TA. Like, dude. Are you for real? And then they whine about their kids cutting them out of their lives. Gee. I wonder why that happened. One of life’s great mysteries there, bud.
Far_Nefariousness773 44 5h42m
Right!! I understand you love your step kids but don’t forget about your own. He said he forgot, which probably means he doesn’t care enough. Posts like these make me grateful for my father. I talk to him daily
MonOubliette 30 5h54m
As someone pointed out in another comment, if the OP was with Sam and Emma had a party at the same time, he wouldn’t have forgotten, which is 100% correct and so sad. I feel bad for Sam and Andy. Like, actually bad, not OP’s version.
appleandwatermelonn 18 9h14m
And the one where the stepdaughters wedding was the day before the daughters an 8 hour drive apart and they both wanted him to walk them down the aisle so he ‘planned’ (I put more thought into planning a trip to the shop) to do both but stayed to the very end of stepdaughters reception making him miss daughters ceremony and then was falling asleep during her reception and left early.
ayyyeeeohhh 7 19h1m
Man I'm lucky. My still married parents just flat out ignored me (im the youngest). Never went to anything special, started forgetting my birthday from 12 on, never I love yous. It was so nice and peaceful to just cut them out and have almost zero drama over it. Same goes for my husband's parents. We were the forgotten children. So seeing posts like this make me f*cking grateful, because I'd rather expect nothing and not be disappointed over, having false promises and being let down on a constant basis like OP thinks is appropriate to do. YTA OP. Hope you enjoy the "f*ck my parent(s)" club because you just earned yourself a free ticket in.
Plantsandanger 18 5h34m
I’m still bitter my parents threw my sister a HS grad party but didn’t for me. They asked if I wanted one, but then said it would be too much work and I “didn’t have anyone to invite anyways” since all my friends were having their own grad parties (and apparently the offer wasn’t good for another weekend), then they decided to combine it with my sisters college grad party, which ended up just being her college grad party and I just “happened to be there” basically, since my only invites were relatives there to see my sister. I was briefly mentioned in one of the many toasts to my sisters achievements.
I didn’t ask for a college grad party as a result. No sense in being repeatedly disappointed. I mean, they didn’t offer, really, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask.
MonOubliette 12 5h46m
I don’t understand the whole favoritism thing. It can cause such a huge schism between siblings. One of my cousins got a new sports car when she turned 16, but her older sister hadn’t. Chaos ensued. It took my cousins a long, long time to heal that.
3Heathens_Mom 129 3h6m
YTA
Agree sounds like the boys have pretty much decided they are not the priority in their dad’s life if it conflicts with something for his stepdaughter.
OP could have addressed this some time ago but chose not to.
Hope he isn’t surprised if he doesn’t get notified or invited to college graduations, weddings or births of grandchildren.
VROF 55 3h49m
Because they both spent the whole party having people ask them “Where’s your dad?”
whateverwhatever1235 260 1h53m
Think carefully about the relationship you want to have with him
Oh OP won’t have to worry about that anymore. He just ended both relationships with his sons.
Franchuta 103 2h8m
Yep, looks like they're both going NC. Now he doesn't have to worry about them any more and can dedicate all his time to Emma...
pythagorassss 14 10h14m
He is probably happy to be honest, and will somehow turn it all around on the sons.
No-Cheesecake4542 56 2h49m
He won’t mind, he has Emma.
Franchuta 69 2h7m
Considering he was not there either for the son's 18th birthday, I think we all know he only cares about the stepdaughter.
Entire-Level3651 37 2h26m
I don’t think he’s worried about that, he’ll have Emma to give him grandkids after he walks her down the aisle 🫶🏻
dragonsfriend-9271 11 12h16m
Not sure the 2nd wife isn't taking a good hard look at what she married. Couple more years and OP will be posting how he invested so much emotionally in his SD and his 2nd ex-wife has cut his contact etc...
middwayer8 13 3h23m
He should queue up “Cats in the Cradle” in Spotify now because he’s going to be living it soon.
Redheadparadox 11 5h25m
I don’t think that there is going to be a future. Apologize all you want but OP made his stepdaughters birthday a priority while when it came to his son - a meeting and the 11 year old were priorities on two important occasions. He ditched them and showed he doesn’t give crap. The rest is window dressing - his son isn’t a priority to make time for.
OP - YTA. So TA. Be prepared- this may be it for you and your sons for a long time maybe ever. I doubt that any relationship you have with them going forward will be close again barring some monumental change. You screwed up my dude - BIG TIME
AbrocomaHistorical69 6 7h38m
Exactly. OP, my dad was an AH like you. Skipped every milestone of his bio kids but attended all of his stepdaughters’ events. He can rot in hell as far as most of us are concerned. One sister keeps trying with the invites, and it’s sad as hell. It’s painful, but also easy to walk away when he has treated us like sh*t our whole lives.
FlaviuJosephus 5 6h43m
Think carefully about the relationship you want to have with him,
It's obvious he doesn't want to have any relatiinshio with his bio-sons and he's working hard to meet the goal. And he's winning.
Tomnooksmainhoe 3 7h18m
This story is very much reminding me of one of the many reasons I went no contact with my father. People don’t take this sh*t serious and/or downplay it like OP is doing, and don’t realize it until it’s too late. Tbh, it sounds like he is not a good father at all, or at least doesn’t not have his priorities in check
lightninghazard 2h57m
Yeah, if it wasn’t for this being a pattern then I don’t think it would be enough of a big deal to generate some of the harsh comments OP is getting. The ceremony is the important part, not the party. I can’t think of too many kids where I live that would be especially upset if one parent wasn’t at the party… the party is about having their friends around, and kids will hop from party to party all weekend to the point where they see the parents for maybe 10 minutes, in passing.
ProfPlumDidIt 4218 G 10m
YTA. You prioritized work over your son on his 18th birthday and then prioritized your stepdaughter over your son on his graduation party. That is TWO things you apparently consider more important than your son and his feelings.
Also, your stepdaughter is 11; that means you have at least 7 more years with her in the house to attend her events. Sam, though? This was IT - the very last of his "childhood" events that will ever, EVER happen, and you didn't even consider it important enough to go to.
You were absolutely a horrible father to Sam, and it wasn't the first time. It does sound like he's done with you, though, so I guess there is consolation in the fact he will never give you the chance to hurt him again.
Foreign_Astronaut 543 3h6m
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon
Curious-Insanity413 86 4h10m
Great now that's in my head and I'm gonna cry
whatev6187 59 4h20m
When you comin’ home son?
DJ_Jungle 18 8h26m
I don’t know when, But we’ll get together then.
itsgms 15 10h27m
You know we'll have a good time then.
DataQueen336 6 7h37m
That’s immediately what I thought of.
mark_dennis1199 6 8h49m
That’s exactly what I thought of while reading the story. I just hope that the sons don’t turn out like dad as what happened in the song.
knic143 251 6h27m
I don’t remember my 11th birthday but I sure as sh*t remember my graduation and graduation party. Graduating from high school is a big deal and definitely one of those lifetime events. This relationship is permanently damaged.
Schmendrick-_- 22 10h49m
Well said!!
Also, did anyone else catch that he called his son THE DAY BEFORE THE PARTIES to tell him he "might" show? When he admitted that both his son and his SD had had their parties planned for MONTHS?!?
YTA OP. YTA YTA YTA.
sassafrass005 14 9h24m
A lot of people on here are saying OP is going to lose his sons and I agree. If my dad did that to me, it would be completely unforgivable, and I’d be done.
OP: this is also going to affect Emma. She’s eleven now, but one day she’s going to think “why does my stepdad not see my stepbrothers?” “Where are my stepbrothers?” and she’s going to realize that you f*cked up by choosing her. This might make her feel guilty—“he stayed for my birthday because I wanted him to and missed Sam’s graduation. I’m awful”—or it will make her not completely trust you anymore. Any child who isn’t completely narcissistic will feel some sort of empathy for a situation like this.
Tl;dr: you done f*cked up with all three kids. You reap what you sow.
flowerbitch1998 13 7h10m
Ugh! I really hate these parents' having favorites posts on Reddit. It just breaks my heart for the children.
HoldFastO2 11 11h59m
then prioritized your stepdaughter over your son on his graduation party
Actually, he prioritized the cleanup over his son's graduation party. He even had a (half-assed) plan to attend both and then... didn't.
Wtf_did_i_get_into_ 4 14h14m
He skipped his own son’s 18th AND grad party? Two huge milestones in his son’s life?? This AH is joking when he asks if he’s the AH right??? How does he not see it himself? Chesus Jrist...This guy is beyond Reddit therapy if he thinks an 11 year old’s birthday and work is more important then an 18 year old’s birthday and grad party.
SteampunkHarley 3213 18m
Your son that you blew off says you're an AH
Your other son says you're an AH
Your ex wife says you're an AH
Your current wife says you're an AH
That adds up to YTA
Do better before you permanently destroy your relationship with at least one son but likely both at this point.
But I guess it's ok because you have your SD 🤷🏼♀️
No_Substance8119 654 1h28m
YTA - but seriously, seeing how he didn’t understand he was the AH after so many of his family members told him, would us saying it even change the way he sees it?
Dkh0123 100 9h11m
The OP is the Principle Skinner meme in real life. “No, it’s everyone else who’s the AH”
Franchuta 219 2h10m
Do better before you permanently destroy your relationship with at least one son but likely both at this point.
/me think this ship has sailed
SweetAlbaD 121 3h51m
The 11 year old doesn't think he's an AH, and he's made it very clear to every other person, especially his other children, that hers is the only opinion that matters.
Luckily, he doesn't need to explain that to his son His son is already well aware.
YTA.
PomegranatePuppy 13 10h17m
Imo Emma was fully aware and loves the drama of winning dad's attention. 11 years old can be a super "fun" age and he is encouraging some mean girl behaviour. If my brother was graduating I would ask to love my party not demand my dad miss his.
tcrhs 89 1h38m
Exactly! Why is he wondering if he was an asshole when everyone in the post told him that he was an asshole?
ArtfulBludger 9 5h24m
Right? It doesn't matter whether strangers on Reddit think you're an asshole or not when all the actual people with whom you have actual relationships in your actual, physical life think you're an asshole!
elisabeth_athome 2 6h41m
She’s 11, she’ll see the writing on the wall soon enough.
Editing to add that obviously, YTA.
Sha-Nanegins 2247 13m
YTA. A child has a birthday every year. They only graduate from high school once in a lifetime.
SavingBooRadley 442 2h20m
I feel like this isn't being said enough!! If they couldn't reschedule the birthday party, this could have been an excellent teaching moment to explain to the step-daughter about caring for other people and significant events (empathy and hard choices). But no, threw away a once in a lifetime moment of recognition.
InfinMD 12 19h56m
Seriously... he had MONTHS to plan this. He could have (with permission) TAKEN EMMA to the graduation to celebrate her step-brothers graduation, then had her birthday party the next day or even later that same day. She could have been part of both celebrations (again, with permission). Sounds like OP didn't even think of that, meaning he has no interest in blending families, in which case Sam is right - dad has replaced both his previous kids.
skyfall1985 223 4h25m
Basically a culmination of 13 years of work and the last breath of his childhood. But hey step daughter is turning 11!
Not to mention the fact that he could have cooked her a special birthday pancake breakfast and gone to see Lightyear or something with her to make up for it because he LIVES WITH HER.
SnapesGrayUnderpants 8 5h58m
YTA. Your actions speak louder than your words. In a way you did your son a favor. Going forward, he won't have to waste time or emotional energy begging you to show up for important life events. You also did yourself a favor. Since you won't have to go to any future events with your son, you won't have a dilemma trying to decide which kid to spend time with.
followthepost-its 5 8h54m
This was her birthday party, not her birthday. That makes it so much worse.
Wtf_did_i_get_into_ 3 14h16m
Mind you another comment mentioned he skipped his son’s 18th birthday for work.
happybanana134 1298 14m
YTA. He's right. You literally chose Emma's 11th birthday - not even a milestone birthday - over your biological son's graduation party. You acted like you 'might' show...messing him around and rubbing salt into the wound.
taetertot1403 391 2h1m
not to mention this is in addition to apparently having did miss said biological son’s milestone birthday party
NovaNardis 49 6h59m
Yeah I kind of—emphasis kind of—sympathize with having two parties at once. But coupled with missing son’s birthday for work makes him a giant AH.
Engineer-Huge 17 16h12m
I sympathized at first but like, an 11yo’s party didn’t need to be from 4-6. He presumably could have moved it up and had time for both. In fact, he didn’t even TRY to show his face when the bday party ended and the other party still had 1.5 hours to go. He’s a huge AH who wanted to avoid the party for some reason.
NovaNardis 12 16h34m
The moaning about like “It was already 6 so I knew I was gonna be late so I just didn’t go” is… absolute horsesh*t. His son wasn’t mad that he had to split time. He’s mad that he got no time, again.
panicattheoilrig 4 18h45m
having two parties at once
OP planned Emma’s party. He could easily have moved it so there was no conflict.
jaw28 5 15h40m
Exactly. His order of importance goes: Step daughter’s 11th bday party>Work>Son’s 18th bday>Son’s graduation. f*cked up priorities
Kooky-Today-3172 817 10m
YTA-If your two sons agree that you always choose Emma over them, then It should be something to thinking about It. I really think that a graduation party with your son should be the priority over your stepdaugher birthday. His whole family were celebrating him and his father wasn't there. Even your wife, Emma's mother, knew you were in the wrong.
ironwolf56 477 1h32m
His post says "I see her as my own kid" but I think he typo'd there and that was supposed to read "I see her as my only kid."
dogpauwse 13 14h18m
viciously accurate
Glittering_Cost_1850 2h4m
I know I watch too much true crime but I get creepy grooming vibes with the blatant favoritism.
shannonmw71 2h49m
That is out of line suggesting he is going to sexually abuse his step daughter. For Gods sake
Worried_Story9638 565 7m
YTA you could have done both things but you decided to pick her over your son. No he's not overreacting it was his graduation and he wanted to see his father.
throwawaythedo 42 9h30m
Right?! “Is my son overreacting that I missed a major milestone event for no good reason (11 y/o party; not even her actual bday). And AITA?” was all we needed to judge this one.
All the other details are OP’s way of trying to manipulate his audience, which is something he couldn’t do at his sons graduation party bc he’d be surrounded by his ex’s family who know he’s a dick. He opted for the party where he could be “the hero step dad that’s always there for her.” This guy sounds like a classic narcissist- you know one of their characteristics is to ruin other family members special occasions bc it’s not all about them.
Selfish ass. YTA.
DragonFireLettuce 489 13m
YTA -
Sam will graduate once from high school in his life. Emma will have many many birthdays. And you picked your step daughter over your son. You should be ashamed!
Super super sh*tty parenting move - and you're still defending yourself. At least be honest and admit that you're a complete AH to Sam and that you deserve his NC with you.
I feel REALLY bad for Sam. He was right - you are a horrible father.
jazmanimal6 109 7h16m
He’ll probably skip Emma’s grad party if it falls on Sam’s bday though right?
……Right?
AssaultROFL 4 7h47m
Nah, she knows how to use the waterworks to get her way.
jazmanimal6 38 7h50m
I didn’t even get the impression the step daughter was unreasonable about things, this dude just wants an excuse not to revisit his old life.
donatellosdild* 5 18h25m
that's not fair, she just wanted op to be at her party
alana_r_dray 449 6m
YTA - you DID choose your SD over your biological son. That's not to say there are times where you shouldn't do that (if SD is in the hospital severely ill, of course you choose SD over son's birthday/graduation party).
SD wanted you there, and that's great, but SD will have more birthday parties. This was your son's big graduation party for a huge, once in a lifetime accomplishment. He's right to be hurt and upset.
My dad skipped my law school graduation and it irreparably damaged our relationship. That was the point in time when I realized I gave 110% to get 5% back from him. I noticed that once I stopped trying, he didn't even notice, so why should I bother? It's been almost 10 years and we have a very fractured relationship now where I only talk to him the absolute bare minimum I can get away with.
Don't let this be the fracturing event in your relationship with your son, OP. Because at some point you missing another of son's events WILL be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Pray that hasn't happened already.
Dramatic_Chocolate53 184 1h19m
I think it’s too late he’s already fractured the relationship. He seems pretty apathetic to his own kids. Best of the kids just go no contact less likely to get hurt
alana_r_dray 75 1h26m
It may well be too late.
If OP actually does care though, and is willing to own up to his mistakes, honestly, genuinely, and without making excuses for his behaviors, I think he could try to approach his son and offer a genuine apology.
OP, if you are reading this, that means "I am sorry I hurt you when I skipped your party." It does NOT mean "I'm sorry you felt hurt when I skipped your party, but SD really wanted me there and I lost track of time."
A true, genuine apology is recognizing that your actions hurt someone. It is "I am sorry that when I did X, you got hurt". It is NEVER "I am sorry that you got hurt when I did X".
It's crucial you see the difference there. The former is owning your actions and the consequences of your actions. The latter is just saying you're sorry someone had feelings because if your actions. My father described above does this same bullsh*t. He's never really apologized to me. It's always "I'm sorry you feel that way".
So, OP, if you can truly open your eyes and see where you messed up, and you genuinely want to make this better, start with an open, honest, genuine apology where you own your actions and the consequences of your actions.
If your son does not want to hear it, then BACK OFF.
Maybe it will help, or maybe he's done with you. But if he's willing to hear you out, this is the best thing you can try IF you genuinely mean it.
skyfall1985 9 4h28m
and is willing to own up to his mistakes, honestly, genuinely, and without making excuses for his behaviors,
Fat chance. His two sons, wife, and ex wife are all telling him the same thing, and his next step is to...try to convince a bunch of internet strangers.
TheFilthyDIL 6 5h16m
Parts to a real apology.1. Expressing Regret “I am sorry for……”2. Accepting Responsibility “I was wrong to ……..”3. Making Restitution What can I do to help you start trusting me again?” 4. Genuinely Promising Change “I am committed to doing everything I can to never do this again.”5. Requesting Forgiveness “Will you please forgive me?”
https://taylorcounselinggroup.com/blog/five-elements-of-an-apology/
No_Substance8119 24 1h30m
Might be one of those cases where he wanna be a good dad to the new kid bc he was never really there for his other kids 🤷🏻♀️ especially if this has been going on since they got together, so since his kids were ~14 & ~12
Hjortronet79 236 7m
YTA. You had to choose and you picked the wrong party. You could have celebrated Emma in the morning and gone early to help with the graduation party. You picked your new family instead of your own kid, after missing one of his important birthdays.
Slow_Orange_239 201 10m
YTA. You put Emma’s feelings over your sons, if everyone in your family is saying you did the wrong thing, then you did the wrong thing.
If your sons are saying you always choose Emma then you have missed more and done more damage than what you’ve acknowledged or perhaps you never realised, but it has happened and this is another to add to the pile. You will lose them both.
Aggravating_Waltz758 96 2h0m
OP’s choice of words is telling. He says he hasn’t missed many of Sam’s events, which sounds like there have been at least a few others he’s missed. I wonder if OP has missed any of Emma’s events. Given how things went down here and both of his son’s reactions, I’d say he probably hasn’t. OP, YTA.
ironwolf56 57 2h26m
I wonder if OP has missed any of Emma’s events
Oh I think we know the answer to this. If Golden Stepdaughter even gets an A on a math test, OP is probably leaving work early to pick up pizza and ice cream for it. But hey... let's just go right ahead and schedule this work meeting so I can't attend the celebration of the birthday where my youngest biological son becomes an adult. He'll be fiiiine right?
It's a trend I see all too often on this subreddit, mostly by guys (hey I'm a guy I'll own this is an "us" thing!) Stepfathers so concerned with being the picture perfect stepfather that they make no attempt to be even a passable biological father. I kind of feel at least some of it (consciously or not) is a sense of "to hell with my ex-wife and her family" mindset.
lologd 178 3m
YTA you should have attended both parties at least just to say hey son, proud of you.
Edit: your SD is so young, it's ridiculous to say you didn't want to see her sad. Are you the parent or is she?
Your son is rightfully disappointed that you didn't come to his party without a valid reason.
gofigure62 160 10m
YTA. You can't time manage for 1 day with a months notice?
Completely negligent.
You also live with Emma, you could have told her that you'd do something special with her later that evening or the next day.
If your son feels like you prioritize your step daughter, then you more than likely do.
Franchuta 40 2h17m
If your son feels like you prioritize your step daughter, then you more than likely do.
BOTH his sons do, and both went NC...
gofigure62 9 3h9m
This is very true. Idk why Op is in denial regarding his disproportionate treatment of the kids.
Franchuta 12 3h39m
Because it's easier to see yourself as the unfortunate father of two ungrateful sons than to admit to yourself how much of an AH you have been to your sons.
Deep down he knows he's an enormous shameless AH, but he won't ever admit it even to himself.
Edit: missing letters Shees! I REALLY need a new keyboard LOL
PaganBlue672 145 9m
YTA. Even Emma's Mom agreed. And both sons say you neglect then over your new family? You need to get your sh*t together before you lose your sons permanently..
Besides, an 11 yo bday party doesn't rank up there, in terms of milestones, with a graduation.
NovaNardis 13 7h1m
Literally EVERYONE in his life says he’s the AH. That’s usually a good sign of someone being the AH.
Smellius-Sockus 113 5m
Yeah YTA. You should have just listened to your wife and gone to your son's graduation party. I get that you wanted to make everyone happy but in a situation like that, you've got to make a choice between one or the other and in my opinion, you made the wrong one.
erenhalici 3 12h28m
He didn’t want to make everyone happy, though. You don’t lose track of time and miss your son’s graduation party if you genuinely want to make him happy. You lose track of time if you are looking for an excuse to not attend the party.
Certain_Effort598 109 25m
I hope you do see your step-daughter as your own child because that is the only child you have left now.
YTA
annoymous1996 107 12m
YTA you skipped his 18th birthday and now you skipped his graduation party, of course you are the asshole. You have to actually show up and be a parent if you want your kids to talk to you.
Saffron1480 103 8m
YTA. Your stepdaughter will have more birthdays, but your son will only have one graduation party. What you write in your opening post on how you got sidetracked sounds like a lame excuse. You knew you'd have to leave in time and you didn't. It is as simple as that.
cauliflowers-fluffy 64 44m
What I don't get is that his wife said he should go yet he claims he needed to help her, which leads me to believe she wouldn't have minded and he is using it as an excuse not to travel for an hour.
TinyRascalSaurus 97 10m
YTA. You have two children. If you'd managed your time appropriately, you could have been there for both of them. Emma is old enough to understand why you couldn't stay, and why is it fair that she not be sad but okay for your son to be? You are choosing one child over the other, and it's harming your son. Your son will only get this one graduation party, but your daughter will turn 12 in a year.
You are essentially telling your son he doesn't matter as much as your new family and that Emma is a replacement for him.
Sureokayiguess1 24 58m
I’m assuming his reply would be that Emma being so young the pain will hurt more than his 18 year old son which turns out was incorrect.
ironwolf56 7 4h46m
You have two children
Three children. Both his biological sons have called him out on his lack of any involvement in their lives. They both are forgotten now that Princess-Stepdaughter Emma, First of Her Name; Mother of Tantrums; Breaker of Daddy's Heart; has entered the picture.
GardenDivaESQ 77 21m
YTA dad. You do favor the girl who is not your child over your biological child. Your son is absolutely right. Wow. Think about how he must feel. You skipped his GRADUATION for a kids birthday party. That’s downright insulting in and of itself if they were full siblings. But she’s not even your child? That’s just sh*tty.
summa-awilum 8 14h28m
OP is the AH, but it’s sh*tty to say Emma isn’t his child. She is his child. A stepchild is still your child.
OP f*cked up majorly. He should have been there for BOTH kids.
thebings_bing 70 8m
YTA
Yeah I mean read your story dude you f'ed up and your ex and current wife told you so. I mean do you really need the internet to confirm what your family has told you.
DarthLokiii 61 9m
YTA people have birthdays every year but only graduate from high school once. Also you may love your SD like she's your own, but your son is actually your own and you showed him he isn't as important to you.
abnie 55 26m
Your wife thought it was more important that you attend your son’s graduation party. Your eldest son said you always choose your daughter over them. Your ex wife said you screwed up here. Your graduating son is furious over this.
You could’ve done both. You could’ve. But you didn’t, that was a choice, and that was a f*ck up. YTA
lightheartedmusings 53 21m
If everyone agrees you're the asshole, people who are actively in your life INCLUDING your wife who is Emma's mother? YTA.
Rookie_66 53 30m
YTA. First because graduation is a once in a lifetime event and you want your family to be there. Second both sons agree on that you seem to prefer your daughter over them. If this is something they undoubtedly agree on you should reconsider your behaviour towards your children so no one feels left out even if you didn’t mean it that way. Third you promised you would come (late) and you didn’t. YTA and it’s not even close.
Rookie_66 21 32m
I also want to mention that the birthday party is minor compared to the opposing event. Also a good way to teach a child that life isn’t always too nice and she would have gotten over it. Next year she’s becoming 12 and you can be there.
Beneficial-Pen-5459 17 1h29m
Right? OP and his Wife are the literally hosts of the SD Bday party. Why schedule it on the same day? That is what I don't get. Could have easily avoided this situation all together.
Leather_Ad_3112 52 33m
The very fact you missed his 18th birthday means making sure you attended his graduation party.
YTA
And one who quite obviously is unable to see that he is on the precipice of losing all contact with his children
TheGodMother007 51 17m
YTA- I understand where you're coming from, but your 18yr old is right. You totally chose your step-kid's birthday over his graduation party. He won't ever graduate high school again & he probably worked hard to graduate while all Emma did was get older. You absolutely f*cked up & need to make this right.
nearly_normal 49 12m
YTA, you’re the adult. You shouldn’t take requests from kids as gospel. You could have explained why you needed to be two places to both kids as to why you were at neither parties for the full time, and been present for both. You chose one kid over the other.
LouisV25 49 33m
YTA. Prioritizing someone else’s kid before your own is the reason kids hate their parents and never speak to them again. Do a search on this app. You will see the number of kids that have been slighted by their parent in this way and their kids never speak to them again, refuse to give them or the 1/2 siblings a kidney, or share an inheritance.
The way your kid said “okay” tells me he’s been down this road with you. That response typically comes from a person that is emotionally shutting down and doesn’t expect anything from you.
While your at it, search the number of people (mostly men) that prioritized their step kids, lost their children, got a divorce and never saw the step kids again. Even your wife told you to go.
TooSweetJenna 6 6h55m
I’m glad someone said this. If OP and his current wife divorce he will probably never see Emma again.
KimChiDiva 43 1h40m
I (46M) have two sons (20 "Andy" and 18 "Sam")
No you don't.
YTA
Minerva9544 39 32m
YTA. OP said even Emma's mom said he should have gone which makes me think that him sticking around to help his "wife with a lot of stuff, taking care of the kids, and other things" was just an excuse to not go and see Sam. And then he'll wonder why his boys are NC/LC in a few years.
GayCatDaddy 3 6h25m
Bingo! We've all been in that situation where we're invited to an event we really don't want to attend, and we will come up with every possible excuse not to. That's EXACTLY what OP did here.
"Oh, their parties are at the same time!" "Oh, but Emma will be sad!" "Oh, but I had to help my wife clean up!" "Oh, but I lost track of time!"
For whatever reason, he didn't WANT to go and made sure that he wouldn't be there. I think he knows he's the AH here, but he's trying to paint himself as this incredibly devoted stepfather to help soothe his ego.
ndcollector 37 55m
She turned 11. Which means she’s old enough to know you have multiple kids, and it’s not a milestone birthday. She’s also old enough to know how to manipulate you into alienating your other kids. You went from 3 to 1. Now she doesn’t have any competiton. Well done Emma.
OrangeCubit 36 30m
YTA - you make this sound so passive, your daughters birthday party just somehow happened to fall the day of your son’s graduation party, like you had no hand at all in organizing it. You picked your step-daughter over your son, full stop. You could have gone to both but you chose not to. Of course he is upset, you weren’t there for him on one of the most important events of his life so far.
TCTX73 35 10m
YTA, you should have kept a closer eye on the clock. You may think you don't prioritize Emma over your sons, but that's their perception and feeling. You can't negate those. You already live an hour away from your sons, so you aren't in their daily lives. They're feeling replaced.
Mindless-Warning-504 35 17m
YTA
I love that you see Emma as your full on daughter. That’s lovely but it’s not the issue here.
Graduation is more important than a 11th birthday party. It’s a huge milestone in a young adult‘s life and unlike a birthday you can’t make up for it. You’re either at the ceremony or you’re not. You could have had a nice birthday breakfast with your daughter or a special trip the next day.
Also: I am ASSUMING that your daughter mostly lives with your wife (and yourself) while your sons live(d) with their mom most of the time? Of course I‘m also assuming you were visiting etc but still, it makes it extra important to make time for their milestones.
Last but not least you’re also not doing Emma a favour by acting this way and creating tension towards her when it’s absolutely not her fault. Your wife sounds great, listen to her next time.
TimeBomb666 2 3h23m
He went to the ceremony. He missed the graduation party. He's still TA tho.
YTA
AwareWealth9764 32 38m
YTA. You missed your son's 18th birthday and graudation parties, two of the most important days of his life, for a meeting and an 11 year-old's birthday, and you didnt even need to miss the graduation party! You could have left the party early and made both.
Substantial_Night619 31 49m
YTA. Please explain to us all in what universe you aren't the asshole. If your son's grad had been truly important to you, you wouldn't have "lost track of time."
And speaking as the parent of a 2020 high school graduate who didn't get to watch their kid graduate because of the pandemic, shame on you times infinity. You pissed away that chance that millions of us were excited about and were denied for an 11th birthday party that your step-daughter will only remember now because you screwed up. And now you're all going to think about that at all of the rest of her birthdays. Well done.
You say you feel bad? Good. You should.
ETA: I have scrolled on and had to scroll back up because I am still so angry and I can't even say all of the things I want to because I will otherwise get banned.
GardenSafe8519 7 57m
Right. And it's not like turning 11 is a milestone birthday.
nataliablume 5 7h10m
I’m still mad about this! I can’t believe what an asshole this dad is to prioritize a party of a stepdaughter he lives with over his son’s milestone party. And if the grad party was an hour away, he should’ve made that the first thing he attended! You don’t just lose track of time when you have another event an hour away, wtf. This guy sucks so hard
TypicalManagement680 30 24m
YTA Of course, everyone is telling you are so if you have to hear from Reddit again, your are a ginormous AH. It’s clear, you’ve missed many milestones of your sons’ and likely many of them were in favor of your stepdaughter.
I think it’s good they have cut you out of their lives because you’re not there for them and if they hadn’t, you would be a continuous cycle of heartbreak and disappointment.
bertiebastard 30 57m
Without reading your excuses, YTA.
A birthday celebration can be any day, but a graduation ceremony is fixed.
So your spouse did this deliberately to make you choose and you chose wrong.
RonsThrowAwayAcc 16 4h22m
OP is an AH but you have lots wrong here
A birthday celebration can be any day, but a graduation ceremony is fixed.
He already graduated a month prior this was a party that also could have been moved
So your spouse did this deliberately to make you choose and you chose wrong.
No BOTH wife and ex told OP to go he CHOSE not to despite wife telling him to go, this was all on OP not wife
Beneficial-Pen-5459 10 1h42m
Exactly. His Wife told him he "should" go yet had no issue with him staying to clean up or even scheduling the party on the same day. That in itself is a sabotage.
GingerSnapNV 28 31m
By your own admission you have a history of putting your son on the back burner. Even your current WIFE said you should've gone to your son's party, FFS.
Of course YTA here.
hahahawow1312 27 47m
YTA. Your first 3 sentences alone make it kinda clear you care about your step daughter a lot more than your sons. Probably to late to work on that now, so just live your happy life with your new family. I very much hope your sons mom sucks less than you do, the fact that you’re posting on here instead of having realised how badly you f*cked up is beyond me
PotentialityKnocks 27 53m
YTA. You get a birthday every year, but high school graduations happen once a lifetime. If this is real, read this and let us know how it feels to see your future relationship with your son:
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/gnbi4j/tifu_by_giving_my_old_sports_car_to_my_stepson_16/
JHGG2 1 2h18m
THIS 👆👆👆
Aoidivine 26 27m
YTA , I would hate to have a dad like you , i'm happy my father isn't like this. I feel bad for your own biological son.
Beck2010 26 43m
When Sam stops talking to you, remember this. Both he and his brother are of the opinion you choose Emma over them pretty regularly.
When (if) they get married and have children, and you’re longing to see the grandchildren and they’re hesitant, just remember you did it to yourself.
YTA. Big time. Huge. 100%.
Active_Somewhere8248 25 1h39m
No replies OP? ....a coward as well
winter_fun4268 8 3h26m
Exactly. I’m sure will see this post deleted soon along with the user profile. That’s what happens with every AH Who came here for justification for the horrible behavior only to be stunned that other people see them for the AH that they are.
popularis-socialas 2h4m
Doesn’t mean he’s a coward, maybe he’s just thinking about it. Not everyone replies.
theweapon2000 25 2h7m
YTA f*ck fathers like you.
highlandcow75 24 43m
Well, this is probably the last time you'll have to make this decision as your son isn't going to want to invite you to anything of his again.
YTA.
Micellangelo 22 15m
YTA, I think this is more about promise and effort. Even if you have arrived 7, or 7:30, it would have made the difference.
Also, I think you could have left earlier too, the cleaning etc seems like an excuse.
The situation is annoying to you, as both parties collided, but I think you have equal responsibility to both kids, and at least trying to get to both would have counted for a lot.
Beneficial-Pen-5459 22 1h22m
YTA. Reddit never let's me down. Always a Step parent out here so eager to be a parent to someone else's kids. It's sick. Your biological kids come first you puke of a human being and sub par Father! Let me guess, Emma's Dad isnt around so you feel the need to over compensate....? Well congratulations, you voluntarily put your kids in the same boat. I hope they go NC with you.
UnicornCackle 22 1h23m
INFO: will you even notice when you don't get invited to either son's wedding?
Moon96Moon 20 44m
You're neglecting your son's and you don't even care, YTA
Dramatic_Chocolate53 20 6h11m
Well it sounds like he’s glad his son is written him off so he can move on with his precious Emma and now he won’t have to be bothered going to his son’s college graduation or his wedding or The birth of his kids children his grandchildren but he doesn’t care anyway so I think that it’s best that he just concentrate on Emma and withdraw from his kids lives totally I’m sure he doesn’t care anyway
Careful-Bumblebee-10 18 44m
YTA. Hard stop. Graduations happen once in a kid's life, birthdays happen every year. You know you're the AH. He's your f*cking son.
Rohini_rambles 17 48m
YTA
You live with your step daughter. You should have gone to your son's first, reach there for the start, then you could have spent the rest of the evening with your step daughter. You have a history of not showing up for your bio kids. Both the women were telling you to go, so there's not even any excuse.
the fact is that you WANTED to be there for your stepkid and not your son.
That's the CHOICE you made willingly.
Early_Equivalent_549 17 55m
YTA… you didn’t even say you love your sons
kbass5 16 1h14m
I honestly can’t remember my 11th birthday, but I do remember my high school graduation party. You didn’t even try to attend. Your own wife told you to leave her daughter’s birthday to attend an event that was important to your son. If she can figure it out, why the hell can’t you? You don’t get to pick and choose what’s important to your kids. Your son told you this was important to him, you should have made the time. YTA
Flurzzlenaut 16 1h30m
So let me get this straight. You missed a once in a lifetime thing for your son because your daughter was having a birthday that happens every year? And you apparently pick your daughter and a meeting over him? And instead of showing up late you decided it was more important to clean up and not show up at all? YTA. Everyone told you you’re TA so I don’t even know why you felt the need to post on here. You’re ruining your relationship with your son and soon he won’t even ask you to show up at all. Good job.
juniorteeth 15 55m
YTA. Holy sh*t. If my dad was like this I’d hate his guts. Sam will only have one high school graduation. And you also missed his 18th birthday? It’s obvious you care more about Emma.
JSmith666 14 39m
YTA---birthday parties are nowhere near the same level as a graduation party. You get a birthday literally ever year just be virtue of being alive. Graduation (even highschool) requires some level of work and effort.
BenjiCat17 14 46m
Graduating high school is a right of passage that is a culmination of 12 years of dedicated study. Turning 11 is not a mile stone and could’ve been celebrated another day.
You might want to consider that you do favor your stepdaughter by your actions because they are not backing up your words. If you want to have a relationship going forward with your son you need to apologize and do better. Not just say you’ll do better but do better. Not claim he’s crazy and you’re not doing anything. But actually admit to your actions and do better. Or you’re going to wake up one day with only a daughter. Based on this post, that day may already be here. YTA
HistorySweet9902 13 48m
YTA!I didn’t even have to finish reading your post! So Emma tells you what to do?! Isn’t part of being a parent knowing how to time manage and setting boundaries for their kids?! You let Emma dictate your day! Emma said she wanted me there, Emma said she didn’t want me to leave! Who’s the adult?! what kids birthday party start that late?! Why not move it up once you knew your sons graduation party was the same day?! You had excuse after excuse. Don’t be shocked when your sons go NC with you!
Brainjacker 13 56m
So your ex and both your sons are unequivocally saying YTA, but you need a bunch of strangers' opinions instead?
Fine, YTA
If this is real you've skipped your kid's 18th birthday and graduation - two giant milestones - and I'm betting you'll still be shocked when you don't get invited to any future celebrations. Hope you're in reeeeeeeally good with stepdaughter after this because she's the only kid you'll have left at this rate.
Look_itsfrickenbats 13 1h19m
YTA. As a woman with a “father” who up and literally abandoned her for his new family when she was just 9 years old, I feel your sons anger. I haven’t seen my dad in ten years because his wife hates me for some reason, and I’ve been watching him spoil her and his step son (and now that said step son is old enough to be married) and his wife for years. I haven’t spoken to him in over two (my choice)… this last week I deleted him from social media as well as any family associated with him.
You could’ve easily attended both parties and given each kid equal amounts of attention. A graduation party for an 18 year old kid is IMPORTANT as it’s one of the first milestones in their lives. You were absent for that and I’m sure you were absent for many others before that. Someone who legitimately cares about someone doesn’t just “lose track of time”.
YTA x infinity for choosing someone who is not your biological kid over your adult biological son & I hope he doesn’t accept your half assed apology.
Gryffindor4ble 13 1h35m
Anyone else notice how he just gave his son’s ages and when he left their mother- but after his step daughters info adds on “I love her to death”? He never once mentions in this post loving his sons or even considering their feelings in anything- only the step daughter. YTA
santadirtyhoe 12 51m
YTA you missed his 18th birthday and graduation party. These are important events
How is this even a question?
Witchbitch_990 12 54m
YTA, you obviously favour the step-daughter, stop kidding yourself.
Every single person involved in this thinks you're an asshole, everyone on this sub thinks you're an asshole, my dude, you're a humongous asshole.
Educational_Race5679 12 57m
YTA. But don't worry. I'm sure you just won't be invited next time. At a certain point you just stop m trying to invite people to these events and this obviously isn't the first time something like this has happened. But as I said, it might be the last.
PetuniaGoBlue 11 48m
YTA. Of course a graduation party, a milestone event, is more important than an 11th birthday party. In fact, I don’t understand why the child’s birthday party wasn’t rescheduled once the conflict was realized.
At some point, apologies become meaningless when you keep repeating the behavior. I wouldn’t be surprised if your son limits contact with you for the long-term.
dabblingdabbles 11 54m
YTA a huge one. This wasn't even the first time but it was definitely the last straw. BOTH your ex wife and wife told you you should have gone and you didn't listen. This entire post was about excuses for why you didn't show up for your some once again. Your other son told you that you always choose Emma and you STILL didn't listen.
You have A LOT to be sorry for and if you don't want to lose your sons you need to seriously make up for it. Stop putting Emma first. There's no reason you can't be a present father to 3 of your kids.
plz_correct_my_eng 11 1h20m
YTA
As some people say: You love the children of the woman you love
Flossy1384 7 4h0m
Sounds like my sperm donor followed that same mind set.
Kind-Replacement5788 11 1h31m
You are a useless excuse of a father. You think pouring all your love into Emma will erase the fact you aren’t her biological father. Unless her bio father is dead prepare to see him walk her down the aisle when her wedding arrives. A fitting punishment to a useless man. YTA
GonnaBeOverIt 10 56m
YTA. You suck and are an awful father and place your stepdaughter over your own child shame on you
Mamto2 10 1h15m
YTA big time. Even off the writing of your post, you care more about SD more than your sons. Your son has just reached 2 major milestones, and you couldn’t be bothered to be there for neither of them.
Way to show favouritism. You should be ashamed of yourself. Absolute disgrace of parenting. Don’t be surprised when he doesn’t invite you to anything again.
What an absolute tosspot
jenfish06 10 1h24m
YTA
You have set a pattern that shows your kids you give 0 sh*ts about them. While also treating Emma as a princess and allowing her to dictate how things will go.
Good freaking grief, I hope you don't expect your sons to include you in weddings and grandkids lives.
fromhelley 10 1h45m
Yta. He graduated once. Emma has birthday s every year. Your son said he really wanted you there. But when your daughter said she wanted there, you completely disregarded your son. You planned on going, but got wrapped up in your daughters party.
You are with your daughter regularly. Your son asked because it was a super special day for him. You showed him he is second fiddle, and that had to hurt. And even now you think your actions were okay!!
You think because he is older, he should understand. It doesn't work like that. Do you feel like less of a parent because he is older, probably not. He still needs your approval and unconditional love. Instead, he gets that ...on the condition that you are not busy with your daughter. It is like you would prefer to maker her smile, even if it means your son is sobbing. Even your wife said to go to your son's party.
You forgive yourself too easily, and I won't help you justify your actions.
ginnymarie6 10 6h26m
You’re totally an asshole. You’re such an asshole that this can’t be real.
“I told him we have been planning this day for over a month”. Dude…. YOU should have been planning your sons graduation for 18 years and 9 months.
NightBard 4 6h35m
He was at the graduation a month earlier. For whatever reason they waited a month to have a graduation party the same day as his step daughters (for six years at that point) birthday. Not sure why he’s downplaying the date… it’s the same date as the previous five years it was his step daughters birthday. I doubt this was a coincidence. Not that he’s not an asshole, he should have done both knowing he wouldn’t be there to help for part of the party.
flamingmaiden 10 8h1m
YTA 100 percent! You chose what was easy for you. Aging doesn't take work, but GRADUATING does.
You COULD have worked to get your family to schedule the parties on different days and/or times. You didn't because you don't do the work.
You could have been a leader for your family in this. You. Chose. Otherwise.
YTA
Do better.
Pleasant_Cold 9 38m
YTA
Harriethair 9 1h7m
YTA. Way to go clinging to your 'new' family and ghosting the old. You can deny it all you want, but that is how both of your sons see your actions.
stonerraptor 9 1h53m
YTA and you f***ing know it why bother posting to reddit?
You're a terrible father.
Ill_Disaster_6741 9 2h25m
Look, as everyone else is saying you are the major AH here. The fact you missed his birthday and graduation clearly shows where he fits in your list of priorities. I won’t regurgitate what everyone else has said except I think you need to put in some serious effort in repairing the damage you have done to your relationship with your sons.
You need to put in the time and effort in rebuilding that relationship with them. Do things with them. Show them you care and yes that will mean you don’t do things with your stepdaughter. But if you don’t, you’ll have 1 kid in your life.
I don’t like to think this because I always like to think children are innocent but is there a possibility your stepdaughter knew what she was doing by insisting you stay? Because at 11 she should be old enough to know that her stepbrothers graduation party is important. Her insistence makes me think she wanted to check mate your affection. I hope I’m wrong but I have this feeling.
lennonali 13 15h42m
I think you need to put in some serious effort in repairing the damage you have done to your relationship with your sons.
At this point I think it's too late. If I was his son and he missed my graduation and my 18th birthday but HAD to go to her 11th birthday, I would have no interest in having a relationship with him
badnewsfaery 9 3h9m
Quite bluntly, you chose the option that made you feel the most loved and important. You never intended going, or you would have.
Your son isnt just angry that you let him down on a very important event, he's angry at himself for ever believing in you enough to think that you were coming.
You've let him down very badly, and refuse to confront your actions and choices. Instead blaming things like travel time, an 11 yr old, your own bad time management, and more.
You are parenting one child at the expense of another. I wouldnt worry though, I dont think there will be many calls upon your time in his future, at least not until you suddenly want to be grandpa once Emma ages out of feeding your saviour knight needs
LawyerBelle07 1 3h22m
I was WAITING for this comment..great analysis. He didn't want to be bothered with the drive and likely resentment his son feels for even having to Weedle him to show up in the first place. So he went where the 11 year old who loves him is..the path of least resistance. You can't tell me throwing away a few cake plates was worth his son's hurt. Despicable...and it's a wonder he doesn't already have a second ex-wife with this level of pathological selfishness.
BeachMom2007 9 3h35m
Yeah, YTA. You’re so obvious with your favoritism that Emma has picked up on it and is using it to her full advantage.
Paevatar 8 1h1m
YTA
You don't want your stepchild to be sad, but you don't care how much you hurt your own son.
theonetruedoctor 8 1h8m
YTA. You may love her and she may love you, and that’s cool, but she is NOT your biological daughter, even if you see her that way. You raised Sam, and have only been in your stepdaughters life for a while. Plus, birthdays are annual. Graduations r once in a lifetime
lemons66 8 1h8m
Update: YTA. Enjoy not being there for his other milestones like getting married and having a child. Oh well, I’m sure Emma will have something for you to attend instead.
DeLaNoche73 8 1h17m
YTA.
As someone who's own father always picked his stepdaughter's over his biological sons I can understand how they feel. As adults my brother and I hardly had a relationship with our dad because of this.
If my dad was still alive he could welcome you to the club and show you around.
rinnerchickendinner 8 1h21m
YTA it's 2022, you could've set an alarm on literally any electronic you have. You didn't because your son's party wasn't nearly as important to you and that sucks for him
Anarchical-Sheep 8 1h34m
YTA
He's going by your track record, not your words. He's using the statistics, not your gut feeling. You belittle how he perceived it, yet the evidence shows him to be in the right.
Do you expect him to just take it on the chin because he's a son? Because he's older? Or is it just that you don't like him that much. I'm certain he's ran all these reasons in his mind and realized he doesn't care WHY you do it anymore, he just knows its who you are and hes done trying to change that.
Active_Somewhere8248 8 1h36m
YTA ..You have lost two sons...twice you missed an important coming of age event with your bio kids...your stepchild should never be more important than the children you left behind. Don't expect to be invited to future important events in their lives...like weddings and grandkids. Oh..sorry..your stepdaughter can give that to you,so they still won't Matter... horrible man...
No-Expert5800 8 6h35m
but, his party happened to be the same day as Emma‘s birthday party.
You absolute thing I can’t say on this sub. You’re one of the adults. You are one of the people who is not supposed to let this type of thing happen in the first place.
Emma’s party was from 4 to 6 and Sam’s was from 4:30 to 7:30, so I was thinking I had plenty of time.
You absolute thing I can’t say on this sub. You’re one of the adults. You are one of the people who is not supposed to think magically about scheduling.
saying… that I always forget about him.
Your son told you he feels generally ignored by you.Your wife and ex-wife both say you should’ve gone to his graduation.You’re an adult. Your big claim to fame here is that you “lost track of time?”
Jesus Christ. Learn how to schedule things as an adult. Learn how to keep track of time as an adult. Learn how to commit to things as an adult. And don’t make a general issue about a son generally feeling neglected and you generally not behaving as an adult into a question about a specific thing you think your son’s “overreacting” about.
YTA
ChocolateCakeNow 8 6h59m
YTA
I don't even understand why both parties were on the same day. The party for the 11 year old should have been moved, you all could have gone to celebrate your son and then the next day (or the weekend before or any other damn day) had the birthday party,
Cat-catt 7 58m
YTA you prioritized Emma over your son. Losing track of time is an excuse. If your son was as big as a priority as Emma you would have not lost track of time. You may have divorced his mother, but that doesn’t mean your son shouldn’t be as important a priority as Emma.
rainbow_mak3r 7 1h9m
YTA You chose someone that’s not even your kid over your own child. What is wrong with you? She’s not your kid and you probably just ruined your relationship with your actual flesh and blood.
Don’t be surprised when she grows up after you supporting her all these years and wants her bio dad all of a sudden because that seems to happen a lot on here. A parent will choose their step kid over their actual kid and then the step kid doesn’t even want anything to do with them later on.
AccomplishedAd9969 7 1h10m
YTA, and be prepared to lose YOUR son over your STEPdaughter!!!! Emma will have many more birthdays, your son only had 1 high school graduation party!! It’s yours and your wife’s job to sit Emma down and let her know it was also important to attend your sons party so you could only stay a while! That way you could have left early!!! Honestly, I doubt you really wanted to go to your sons party!!! Shame on you!
Maleficent_Ad407 7 1h12m
YTA. You did pick Emma over your son. Emma was turning 11, you should have many more birthday parties with her; Sam only has one graduation party and you had previously missed his milestone birthday. Sam is an adult now, he gets to choose who he has a relationship with.
winter_fun4268 2 3h28m
Exactly. If he felt it was OK to miss something as important as a graduation party and just see his son the next day. Why not miss Emmas birthday party and see her the next day for something special. But that never even occurred to OP because he didn’t want to Emma to be sad. I was perfectly fine for the sun to be sad. NOP knew the son will be sad because the son had said he wanted him there for the whole party.
dont_do_me_like_dat 7 1h21m
YTA - you should make Emma’s party the priority that you made your sons. Your son would have understood if you left early to attend Emma’s, and doing the opposite you told your own son your step daughter is more important. Instead of showing them both they are important. Super YTA, As a dad myself I am dumbfounded you though this was ok?
ieatnoodlesw_sticks 7 1h27m
YTA. This was a milestone event, you only graduate once from high school. Your SD turned 11, she’ll continue having birthdays every year for the rest of her life. I don’t even remember what happened on my 11th birthday, but I sure as hell remember every moment of my high school graduation, because that’s how Much of a major life event it was.
Fallen_Lord1012u 7 1h30m
My oldest son says I always choose Emma over him (which is not true) and that I was being a horrible father
YtaWhy did you choose the step daughter over ur bio kid?There was a way to be in both parties but you decided to mostly spend the time in the step daughter party instead of ur bio son graduation party(which only happens 1 life time(if you know what I mean)
Ahsoka88 7 1h31m
YTA.“I didn’t miss important events” cit. the person who miss his 18y old birthday and his graduation? What other important events didn’t you miss?
I don’t always choose Emma both your ex-wife and wife agree you were an idiot and you did choose to stay until past 6. You could have put an alarm and your wife was okey with you not helping to go there.
winter_fun4268 3h31m
Actually the open he said he didn’t miss many events. Which means he did miss some of them. I’m sure the boy’s mother never missed any events. And OP certainly goes to all of Emma’s important events. But he does skip some of his own sons
Disastrous_Box_255 7 1h37m
YTA. guess hes gone low/no contact too huh.
curvycurly 7 1h39m
YTA and it's ridiculous that you're trying to put this on Emma. You're the adult. You're the one with multiple obligations. You literally live with Emma! You should've gone to Sam's party. You absolutely should've made it a priority after missing his 18th birthday.
Do some work and figure out why you prioritize Emma. Why you put her wants above everyone else's (even your WIFE)....
JurassicPark-fan-190 7 1h41m
Yta and you know it. You could have not helped your wife clean up. You didn’t prioritize him and it shows.
Tjc073 7 2h31m
Your a terrible Father!
BlackSky83 7 9h33m
...Are you kidding me? How can you possibly not think you are the asshole in this situation? And I bet this isn't the first time something like this happened.
Don't be surprised when your sons cut contact with you. You haven't been acting much like a dad.
YTA.
elepheyes 6 56m
YTA. If everyone in your family is telling you, you are wrong (both ex and current wives)…then you are probably wrong. You missed his bday bc of work. His graduation is one of few, while your kiddo has many more bdays with you ahead. You reallllllly need to reevaluate if your family is telling you you favor the step kid over your bio kids.
Bakecrazy 6 59m
YTA
And they are absolutely right. You are favoring the step daughter, face it, you are missing his milestones over and over and you are a horrible father to him.
RainierCherree 6 1h13m
YTA. Your wife, ex-wife, and both sons are telling you this. And you think Reddit is going to give you a different answer?
ClownPrinceofLime 6 1h14m
YTA. I mean, this should be obvious, right? Emma will presumably have like 70 more birthday parties, Sam will have maybe one more graduation party. You just chose your new family over your old one - except your new family even recognized that you were making the wrong choice. You clearly just prefer Emma.
BadBandit1970 6 1h17m
YTA. Birthdays come every year, but graduation parties, once for sure, maybe twice depending on the path they choose. Your sons are right in not speaking to you. Until you actually accept responsibility for this and past actions, everything that comes out of your mouth is lies. They're better off without you until you make amends for your sh*tty behavior.
InfiniteItem 6 1h18m
You wasted your time typing this out and you won’t get the justification you’re looking for. YTA.
artemisthewild 6 1h20m
YTA. Why in the world didn’t you schedule the birthday party earlier, or for a different day? Mind blowing.
More concerning is your son obviously feels abandoned by you, AND your other son agrees. That’s in addition to the fact that ex wife and current wife BOTH agree you should have attended the graduation party. There’s obviously way more going on here than you included in your post, probably so that you can make it look like you’re a good dad. It doesn’t sound like your children think you are, and ultimately that’s why you are TA.
Morrigan-71 6 1h27m
YTA. Divorced 7 years ago, in Emma's life for six years and skipping your sons' events in favor of her or work. No wonder your sons feel replaced. You probably will even not attend their weddings because Emma then has her 18th birthday, graduation or whatever.
Lostgirlfrmcanada 6 1h33m
“I haven’t missed a lot of his events… but I did miss his 18th birthday.” My gods 🤦🏽♀️ your willing to miss your sons birthday not your stepdaughters? YTA.
Azul05_BeomSnake 6 1h39m
YTA, I hope your child cutt ties with you because you are not worth as his father, and yeah you are favorite your stepdaughter. Even your wife told you, I can't believe that you only think about your daughter but not your son
Mundane__Stranger 6 1h44m
YTA
Both sons told you that you favor your step daughter. Both your wife and ex wife told you to go to his graduation party.
It seems like everyone except you is aware of the favoritism.
Thecardinal74 6 1h46m
My wife said I should go to Sam’s party. I was planning on doing so, but Emma told me she really wanted me to stay. I didn’t want her to be sad at her party
But it’s ok to have your son sad at his?
You couldn’t say “I know sweetie but it’s a big day for Sam, too, and you wouldn’t want me to skip your party for his, right? Well, then you understand why I can’t skip his for yours” ??
It’s pretty clear who you favor. You just don’t like getting called out for it.
YTA, and you quite possibly lost your son over it. He’s 18 now, he doesn’t have to ever talk to you again if he doesn’t want to.
MaryAnne0601 6 1h47m
YTA
When are you going to admit, if only to yourself, that Sam’s father died the day you got married and got Emma. Stop torturing him and pretending otherwise. Stop making promises you have no intention of keeping. Stop destroying his feelings over and over again. Have the guts to admit you stopped caring a long time ago and stop making plans with him. He’s nothing to you, your own wife knows you were wrong. Just stop pretending with everyone, admit that he’s nothing to you and let him grieve and move on.
Rikukitsune 6 1h52m
YTA. I'm inclined to believe the son. He's graduating from high school, an event that happens ONCE, and for some, is a very big accomplishment, and you blow it off for a birthday party.
That could have easily been moved up a few hours, to the next day, or the next weekend.
And it wasn't even a significant birthday, either.
Emma's clearly your do-over child, and your two sons can go kick rocks, it seems. Hopefully they have other family who actually cares about them.
NowWithMoreChocolate 6 2h1m
YTA
Literally the title alone.
Emma will have a birthday every year. Sam only got one graduation party. And you missed it.
Your wife even TOLD you to go to Sam's.
He's not over-reacting and based on the fact that your oldest son has sided with him and is also not talking to you, I get the feeling that this kind of thing has happened a lot more than you're admitting to. Don't be surprised if both sons, especially Sam, go NC with you soon.
kt99_ 6 2h13m
You had no desire to go over to his graduation party. “Lost track of time” my ass lmfao, you never intended to go in the first place. Also, your other son, your ex wife AND even your current wife think you’re an AH.. do you really need internet strangers to confirm that? You sound like a terrible father to your kids, except Emma. YTA and congrats on ruining what little relationship you seemed to havevwith your 2 sons!
ayriana 6 4h50m
Info- you say he scheduled it a month after his actual graduation. Did he know about his step-sister's party? Was he invited to her party? Did he plan the day/ time of his party while KNOWING the day and time of her party, or did you and your spouse schedule the birthday party knowing the time of the sons party? Has there been conflict over or between his step sister in it past? Is there any reason your sin might feel bitter about your relationship with your spouse or does your spouse resent your son? What is your relationship with your ex like? Is there any chance that your son did this as a sort of test?
I think there are a lot of details here that impact who is the AH, or if everyone sucks. I just don't think we have enough info with just the post to make a call.
Aggressive-Fudge5759 6 11h23m
"Is there any chance that your son did this as a sort of test?"
Or did the son's mum (OP's ex) or step daughter's mum (OP's wife) engineer the situation as a test. Even both working together, if neither want him to have a relationship with his bio children?
Even with the 18th birthday, it is possible that OP's ex deliberately arranged it when she knew OP wouldn't have been able to come, in order to subsequently paint OP as the bad guy.
I grew up with subtly manipulative parents; it took me into my 30s or even 40s to recognise the red flags. They are less manipulative now I've got wise to their tactics. Or maybe they have become even more subtle.
jackssweetheart 6 8h29m
YTA-just straight up. He will never forget this.
Humble_Occasion4974 6 2d4h12m
He'll never get the boys back. Oh sure he might talk to them now and then but they will not seek him out. This will stay with them forever. And it sucks hard for them. Parents don't realize the pain they cause and act like the kids are overreacting. Always. That will make them hate you even more.
YTAH
SillyStallion 5 44m
YTA
writers_block15 5 1h7m
YTA: He has every right to be upset. You did not manage your time well. You could have made it to both parties. Even your wife encouraged you to go so you really had no excuse other than a 6 year old who was probably busy with her friends anyway. You promised Emma something but you also promised Sam something. He was really asking for the bare minimum and you failed to deliver that. Don't be too surprised if you aren't invited to celebrate future events in his life. Instead of saying that it's not true that you always choose Emma, please do some introspection to see why your kids feel like you do. There's really no reason for them to lie about that.
sage_ley 5 1h16m
YTA. You could've gone and I doubt you "lost track of time" specific because your wife told you to & probably reminded you.
Far_Nefariousness773 5 1h17m
YTA your wife even said you should go. Your oldest has noticed that you chose your step daughter. Your a big massive YTA because everyone in your life has pointed it out and you refuse to accept it. Why are you asking strangers when you already know.
You just broke your relationship with your sons. Especially now they are leaving the house, they do not have to talk to you. You show your son at the end he didn’t matter.
PizzaQuest420 5 1h34m
YTA- Emma probably won't even remember her party, but Sam will never forget that you missed his
tcrhs 5 1h35m
YTA. You missed both his 18th birthday and his graduation parties? Both of which, are milestone events that were important to him. And you couldn’t be bothered to manage your time wisely when you knew you had to juggle two events?
Your sons’ feelings sound completely justified.
If both your ex-wife and your wife agree that you were being an idiot, you were indeed an idiot.
kstweetersgirl2013 5 1h39m
If literally everyone in your life is telling you that YTA it's probably because YTA. Probably going to take a while to come back from this one.
Rubberbandballgirl 5 1h44m
YTA
You graduate from high school once. Once. Emma is old enough to to understand this, assuming she isn’t a spoiled brat.
Can’t wait to hear about how you missed his college graduation & party because Emma had a dance recital.
Equivalent_Inside513 1 2h18m
Can’t wait to hear about how you missed his college graduation & party because Emma had a dance recital.
Or missing their weddings for Emma's prom and her graduation.
"I really planned on going to my son's wedding. But Emma wanted me to see her all dressed up for prom! So I thought I could go to the ceremony, then head home to see Emma get ready and take pictures with her date before heading back for my son's dinner and reception. But on the day of the wedding Emma got sad.that I wasn't going to be there to spend time with her and help her get ready. So I thought I could do that and just go to the reception. At least that way I could still see some of the wedding stuff. But after pictures and her date picked her up, Emma was sad that I couldn't chaperone the after party at our house. I just couldn't handle her being sad while celebrating prom, so I said I would help. That meant I missed my son's reception, too. But I made the rigjt choice - after all, Emma is happy and my son had lots of other people at his reception!" /s
"Emma's graduation was the same day as Sam's wedding. I swear I planned to go to both things. I was going to see her graduate, then go to Sam's evening ceremony and reception. But when it was time for me to leave, Emma was so sad. She was upset I wasn't going out for dinner with her after graduation. I would be celebrating at her party mext week, and I did watch her graduate, but she insisted dinner wouldn't be the same if I wasn't there. So I just couldn't disappoint her. I ended up missing all of Sam's wedding, but it's not like I miss all his important things. Well, except for his 18th and his grad party....and now his wedding. But Emma"s graduation was really important as his wedding day!" /s
Eventually, it will all lead to this: "My sons are both starting families of their own, and neither of them want to allow me to be a part of my grandchildren's life. I don't know how things ended up this way. How can I fix this?" /s
nice52 5 1h47m
YTA
LOL you’re still think you’re innocent and that’s the sad part. You’ve don’t seem to have realized you choose your step daughter so often over your kids. You made your actions and now you have to deal with your kids never talking to you again. I can say you deserve it
mauve55 5 1h52m
YTA: It is clear that you have chosen your stepdaughter over your actual children they would 100% be in the right of they went permanent NC or LC with you.
While you can’t control what people do your wife should have put her foot down a long time ago and told you not to treat her child better than you do your children.
As for your ex-wife, she probably feels guilty for choosing a man like you to have kids with.
Cynnyr 5 1h55m
YTA, you literally have everyone around you telling you this. You're not listening because you ARE prioritizing Emma.
Usual_Adhesiveness87 5 1h56m
YTA. You LIVE with Emma, and you couldn’t miss a party to be with your son who lives an hour away? Your priorities are screwed up, and your son is old enough to see that he is NOT a priority. This isn’t the first time or he wouldn’t say “you always forget about him”. This is one of those moments he may never forget and you need to realize that your actions have had an enormous impact on both your sons. Gosh, I hope they have a stepdad who makes them a priority, like Emma does.
SoloBurger13 5 2h2m
What’s is wrong with you?? An 11th bday over a GRADUATION party for your actual son???
YTA and your sons probably have cut you off
hammocks_ 5 2h5m
YTA. You literally just wrote a post about how Emma being sad was more important to you than celebrating BOTH your children's days, which was entirely within your control. "Oh I lost track of time" -- because your son was not important enough for you to spare a second thought about once you'd decided you didn't feel like going to his party. Because Emma might be sad. No thought to whether your son might be sad literally at all.
Lilitu9Tails 5 2h8m
YTA. You are a grown man who cannot manage his time properly. And you are bringing your step daughter up to be a spoiled princess who always gets her way, while cheerfully leaving your son out in the cold. Would you expect your step daughter to understand you losing track of time? Oh wait, she’s not allowed to be sad, but when your sons are upset they are over reacting. You f*cked up. And you are taking zero responsibility for it. You think everyone - except your precious step daughter - is in the wrong except for yourself. You decided your son wasn’t a priority and then argued with him when he called you out for it. He’s not over reacting g, you are just a selfish asshole.
Limp-Sundae5177 5 2h10m
YTA. He's just graduating once in life. She's gonna have about 70 more birthdays.
SurferRosa85 5 2h31m
Your throwaway family has spoken and so has the internet. YTA
Good_Boat8761 5 2h31m
YTAAnd you did choose Emma and probably have in the past
anonyllamas 5 2h32m
He’s not overreacting, YTA. You’re telling him one thing and showing him another; your words and actions don’t match. That likely why your apology wasn’t accepted. You’re saying you don’t choose Emma over him, but you literally did. The fact that BOTH your wife and ex agree that you messed up should tell you all you need to know.
Notwastingtimeiswear 5 3h47m
YTA . A complete and unrepentant asshole. You skipped his 18th birthday too. Just admit you don't actually love your son. Not only do you have your do-over family, you've made your now- middle child truly invisible. Wow. Just. Wow. I hate you and I am not a moody teenager. I don't even know you. You are a grade A jerk and you've lost your child forever. I do not wish you good luck. I do not wish you good day. I hope your toilet floods and your car gets a flat, your bratty 11 year old needs 6 grand in braces, and you get a second divorce when your wife realizes her daughter has an expiration date too.
SarahCo2 5 5h6m
YTA.First and foremost you should have been involved in the planning of both parties to the extent they were not on the same day. Not doing that is AH move #1.
AH move #3 is you say it’s “not true” when both your sons have expressed you choose your daughter over them. They both feel this way then you need to examine it and not dismiss their feelings. If they both feel like this it’s likely you whose not seeing things clearly. Especially with the details you’ve added in here it’s clear your daughter is your favorite. I could not care less that your sons are bio and your daughter is not I don’t care about things like that and feel that all 3 are your kids but you’re really messing up here and harming their relationship as siblings as well!
YTA!
No idea why part of this is in bold and no idea how to fix it.
BackFromTheDeadSoon 5 8h3m
YTA. Jesus Christ, dude, get your sh*t together. What kind of 46 year-old man can't get the timing right to attend two important events on the same day?
Bunbunnbaby 4 1h23m
YTA. Even Emma’s mom can see you’re picking her daughter over your kids and is trying to curve that before it comes back and affects her and Emma. Your boys will not only blame you for this but also them you’re driving a wedge between your new family and your boys. I’m actually impressed with Emma’s mom taking the boys side and I hope you open your eyes and ears and finally catch a glimpse of your own actions.
LocalBrilliant5564 4 1h39m
YTA MASSIVELY you did choose her over your son her birthday party wasn’t more important than a graduation party and if anything you could’ve done both and your wife told you to go and instead you’re here. You didn’t run out of time you knew exactly when you had to leave and simply chose not to even though everyone in your life is telling you you’re an asshole you don’t believe them? You missed his birthday for a meeting and you think that’s ok?
yenderling1 4 1h45m
YTA. Even your wife agrees that you neglect your son for her kid.
PurpleAquilegia 4 2h2m
Oh boy. You missed his 18th AND his graduation party. YTA
DifferenceNo5715 4 2h3m
A graduation party is once in a lifetime. A birthday happens every year. YTA, big time. You clearly favor your SD, and it's absurd to argue otherwise. The facts speak for themselves. I feel sorry for your other kids.
Why_r_people_ 4 2h4m
YTA this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, not a first offense. You better start making it up to your son or prepare to lose him
Iron-Tooth-Seration 4 2h32m
INFO Why were the parties scheduled for the same day, AND WHY did they have such overlapping in time?
Tootie0 4 2h32m
YTA A graduation is more important than an 11 yo birthday party. You're beyond wrong here. Shame on you for doing that to your son. I'm appalled.
Tranqup 4 2h32m
YTA, full stop. If I had to predict the future, it will be that at least one of your sons goes no or low contact with you and you'll deserve it.
Logical_Progress_873 4 2h34m
YTA. Don't worry though. It sounds like Emma may understand how Sam feels sooner than you think.
You missed his 18th bday because of a meeting, and then you go and miss his graduation party because you were unwilling to adjust your daughter's party? And you really don't understand what more you could've done? Good luck, my dude.
BibblesUwU 4 2h58m
Yta I hope he never talks to you and cuts you off 😊
smectymnuus01 4 4h37m
YTA YTA YTA. Emma will have lots of birthday parties but your son will have limited graduations. SUCH an asshole.
dorafloradoodah 4 6h8m
YTA.
You didn’t lose track of time. What a cop out.
You didn’t parent the 11 yr old well at all. She’s old enough to be helped to understand you had obligations to both your kids and that spending half and half time would be a fair compromise under the circ*mstances
You and your wife could have brought forward her party to allow you to attend both events in full on the same day if attending the whole birthday party was so important to you.
Your son does not have the idea that you always choose your step daughter out of no where. You very clearly do.
Here’s a hint, even your own current wife, that 11 year old child’s mother thought it was reasonable and fair for you to leave early. She didn’t “need” you to stay to help with all the things.
You knew well ahead of time that you were double booked and were needed at both events but you chose to let your son know you planned to let him down the night before.
You lying to your son and yourself makes you an absolutely monumental asshole. You’re trying to lie to reddit here but everyone saw through you even with you trying to paint yourself in the best possible light. That should tell you something.
Your poor kids.
1993sillybean 4 8h9m
YTA.You missed his 18th birthday party for a meeting, then less than 12 months later missed his graduation party.So I would disagree that you ‘haven’t missed a lot of his events’.You say he’s overreacting and you can’t seem to be able to accept his feeling’s , but can completely understand why your step daughter wanted you at her birthday party. It’s completely understandable that your son wanted his dad at his 18th & graduation, and completely understandable that he felt let down/sad/angry that he wasn’t.
Saying ‘you’ll try to be there’ then not turning up is even worse than just saying you’re not going to be there, you raised his hopes.
You’re a rubbish dad, and if you want him in your life you need a strong genuine apology and to show up consistently.
arifar666 4 8h45m
Bdays happen every year, graduations don’t. YTA
nvorx 3 1h4m
You’re really asking? When it’s right in front of your face?
Laladevine 3 1h18m
YTA
stfrances2968 3 1h25m
Yep YTA
Glad-Translator-3502 3 1h32m
YTA- you made a poor choice and now this is your reward
wosyer 3 1h33m
YTA.
rtwise 3 1h46m
YTA, and you are going to lose your relationships with pretty much everyone in this story if you don't get your parental act together. Our kids know when they're. Ot being prioritized, and your son is spot on that you're putting your stepdaughter first.
GlobalLifeguard8928 3 1h48m
Birthdays come every year. Graduations can not be rescheduled! You are playing happy family. YTA
barbaramillicent 3 1h50m
Keep this one in mind when he stops calling
YTA
koriki_is_here 3 1h51m
YTA
Lotex_Style 3 1h51m
Honestly to me it sounds like you just f*cked up and simply didn't want to go. I mean come on, when you KNOW that you have two important things on the same day and even at the same time you can't tell me that you simply forgot the second event.
I'm willing to give some leeway, but this story is just asking too much, especially if it seems to be a reoccuring theme in your life. YTA
juliesglobe 3 1h54m
YTA A birthday is not the same as a graduation. Birthdays happen every year, and you do nothing to earn them. You only graduate from high school once, and that graduation is hard-earned. OP, you prioritized a child who is not your own, for an event that she’ll forget shortly, over your actual child, for a memorable lifetime event. Under what circ*mstances would you not be the AH??
OkConsideration8964 3 1h56m
YTA. He reacted this way exactly because you missed his 18th birthday party. He is your son. While I believe that stepchildren deserve to be a priority, when your biological son tells you he really wants you to be there, you show up.
Your-Mum42096 3 1h57m
YTA and a sh*t father since you seem to have left your sons on the back burner for your new family. Obviously your children are not going to put up with an AH of a father who makes up half assed excuses to not see their kids. You obviously could have made time for your eldest son who is going through major life events but instead you left them with negative memories of you to remember for the rest of their life. A half assed apology isn’t going to fix anything DO BETTER AS A PARENT.
Erindanyele 3 1h57m
Yes, you're the AH for not showing up at your own son's graduation party.You replace your own kid for somebody else's kid.
ynvesoohnka7nn 3 1h58m
Yta
Pristine_Plate_431 3 1h59m
Yta...100% no doubt. You should be ashamed of yourself. Total dick move. I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke to you again. You don't graduate every year.
Significant-Set8457 3 1h59m
YTA
Lost track of time = lose track of your son
Franchuta 3 2h2m
Well, that was an easy way to get rid of your two sons! Don't worry, they're both of age, and the way you've been treating them they're likely to go NC on you. That way you will have all the time in the world to stay with your darling little daughter.
YTA You choose your stepdaughter over your biosons, and when they (both) tell you how they feel you negate their feelings. Do you really have to ask if you're the AH?
mmxomiso 3 2h2m
YTA a graduation is way more important than a birthday party and your failing as a father by making you son feel this way. I feel really sorry for him.. It seems like it absolutely is true that you pick Emma over your sons.
Sweet-Mopita 3 2h2m
It is so sad how you can show empathy and consideration for your stepdaughter but you don’t have a drop a lot for your own kiddos.I will only say that I hope that your stepdaughter care about you when you become old a sick.
Tyberious_ 3 2h9m
I'm going to go against the grain here and say NA H
In both cases, you had a choice to make. You made it and now you will have to live with the consequences.
Do you always choose your SD? Your sons seem to think so, and if they choose for you to not be in their lives, that's fair and understandable.
Oh hell, who am I kidding YTA.
Obvious_Cookie_3000 3 2h22m
YTA bro
sk1999sk 3 2h34m
YTA - you could have done something special with your stepdaughter later. this was YOUR Son’s Graduation Party. what you did is F’d up. Your Son wanted you to attend a one time event. you just proved that your new family is your fav instead of explaining to the 11 year old that graduation is a one time event.
Otherwise-Aside-7330 3 2h43m
Literally, I don’t think op thought about how a birthday is EVERY year but a graduation party is one and it’s earned celebration at that
Potential_Mirror1511 3 5h37m
YTA. You did choose Emma over him.Why tf was her party the same day as his, couldn’t you and your wife work with him and your ex to keep that from happening? Did it just not even occur to you? Pull your head out mate, it’s going to be your own damn fault if he cuts you out of his life after this.
YoshiPikachu 3 6h1m
YTA. If you were going to plan a party the same day as his graduation you should’ve had it earlier in the day.
nosey_introvert92 3 6h22m
YTA. your son was/is right, you ARE being a horrible father. I applaud BOTH sons for not talking to you. Saying your sorry only works when you ACTUALLY SHOW it, otherwise it's just empty words leaving your mouth with no meaning!! I most sincerely hope they both go NC with you, you clearly don't get it, and they deserve better.
That_Engineering3047 3 6h26m
YTA
This was very poor planning on your part. Your indecision lead to your son feeling you don’t care about him. His feelings are valid - full stop. So are your stepdaughter’s.
Surely, you could have coordinated and planned this so they weren’t both on the same day? At the very least, you failed to follow through on the plan you had and hurt your son as a result.
Missing your son’s 18th birthday is also a big deal. Combined together, it will take a lot of time and effort on your part to show your son you value him equally.
If you plan to do something, you gotta stick with it.
Own this f*ck up and learn from it.
neener691 3 6h35m
YTAGod I hate parents like you. The shiny new step daughter just has to get her way and you can't understand why your own son would be upset.f*cking assholeHow many more high school graduation parties will your son have? 0, step daughters birthdays? Many.
Key_Invite_1861 3 6h35m
YTA. You chose your step-daughter over your son. If I were Sam I would be heartbroken.
lilabearrr 3 6h35m
Yeah he said "Okay" because he was pissed. Your stepdaughter will have more birthday parties. But your son only has one graduation, and you didn't even prioritize it like you said you would. Even your wife and ex-wife said you should've gone. YTA.
Healthy-Fondant2898 3 6h37m
Yta and ur son should just go no contact with you you dont seem to care about his feelings or events anyways he dont need you
healinthethrowaway 3 6h38m
“When you coming home dad? I don’t know when but we’ll get together then. It’ll be a good time then”
YTA
Spiritual_Narwhal658 3 6h44m
YTA
I guarantee your excuses mean very little to him... your wife was telling you to leave but you're just "so busy"..cleaning and helping? You realize you can just not clean and do it the next day right? You do realize she can probably handle the kids on her own? When he gets married and starts a family you will be very sad to not be apart of it and it will absolutely be your fault. Yeah your stepdaughter wanted you there, but how many other birthdays will she have? And how many graduations will your son have? If two of your kids are saying your playing favorites, you should probably take your head out of you a$$ and listen to them. Because they won't stick around until you come to your senses.
theplantmurderer 3 6h54m
YTA. The fact that your wife told you to leave, and you chose to stay even though you were there for your stepdaughter, and chose her over your son.
And then you’re basically disregarding his feelings by saying he’s overreacting. It’s all AH behavior.
You could have helped set up, stayed until 5:15, which would have been more than half, and then still have shown up for an hour of your sons event (which isn’t even half) and that would have been better.
He’s going to graduate HS ONCE. She will have MANY more birthdays, and you couldn’t even divide your time to make them both feel loved.
Did I mention YTA?
bonshaa 3 6h56m
I don't think there could be a more obvious YTA and a more oblivious parent.
wachenikusemapoa 3 7h1m
Dude, you didn't go because you didn't want to and you need to stop pretending.
DaddyVelocity 3 7h27m
YTA. I have seen so many AITA stories from the kids pov and all of them result in the father being the AHH. I think you’re kid also posted on Reddit about this because there was a same situation with not even one difference
Due-Pangolin-2937 3 8h21m
I don’t have enough information to say Y TA with certainty.
Have you celebrated every other event with your son? You attended the graduation but not the party (scheduled a month later). Does your son know when your step-daughter’s birthday is? Did he purposely arrange the same day and time?
ConfusionOk6207 3 8h52m
Your son told you that this was important to him, and you didn’t go. You found excuses not to go. You argued to yourself that this couldn’t be as important as he’s made it out to be. And can you easily recall When was the last time you chose your son? Was it recent?You do favour your stepdaughter. You’ve hurt your son. YTA
KillroyButters81 3 8h52m
YTA. Everyone was saying you should go, yet you chose not to. You say you lost track of time but we all know you just didn't want to go. If both of your bio kids say you choose the step child over them, then its probably true.
mark_dennis1199 3 8h52m
YTA
Don’t worry, you won’t ever have to worry about making arrangements to attend any of your sons’ events. You’ll never be invited by them again.
Congratulations. You can now focus on Emma, unencumbered by your boys’ inconvenient happenings.
Ki0skE 3 8h54m
YTA!!!Period.
- You get to have a birthday every year
- You don't graduate every year
- Birthday is a celebration.
- Graduation is an ACHIEVEMENT.
- Your son wanted you to be there to share the moment with him on such accomplishment of finishing school.
- Your step-daughter wanted you to be there so she can have fun at her birthday party.
- Lastly, your invalidating your son's achievements and feelings, it also appears, you're trying to justify your actions despite being blatantly an AH.
:Good luck mending that relationship with your son, i hope he doesn't forgive you soon:
me_in_chains 3 10h29m
Poor Sam… He just wanted his father to be there on TWO of his happiest days. But his dad chose to not to.
YTA, you’re a horrible father and Sam is doing the right thing by not talking to you.
Ttdog01 3 12h55m
YTA. You are framing this as if you don't pick Emma over Sam most of the time. While you also admit that your oldest admits that you do. Congratulations on losing Sam forever I guess.
satoriibliss 3 13h1m
YTA and a horrible father. A narcissist that dismisses BOTH sons and BOTH ex & wife. Stop trying to justify yourself. You clearly didn’t want to go and have demonstrated your biological offspring don’t really matter to you.
SoleLight 3 14h17m
You sound like a great girl-dad, but you are a horrible example of a man. Your son hit a milestone, and your SD would have forgotten you left once her friends distracted her with play.
You better take that boy on a really nice trip because you screwed up.
YTA
ClassicCityMatt 2 8m
Soft YTA. Graduation is a once in a lifetime thing to celebrate. Birthdays are a yearly occasion and since you missed your son’s birthday, you should have made time for his graduation party.
caneraf650 20 1h53m
Down voting because IMO, this isn’t a “soft YTA” situation. This is a 100% HARSH YTA situation.
Franchuta 5 2h23m
Can't be that soft if both sons decided to go NC on him
Dramatic_Chocolate53 2 1h16m
So why do you have bio kids. You’ve made it very clear that they come second to your new family unfortunately this happens a lot you are the idiot
MikkiTh 2 1h20m
YTA You have absolutely failed your child and when you can't figure out why he doesn't speak to you in 20 years? Know that it was this and so many other failures to be his father
Soft-Noise8802 2 2h4m
I see all the reasons (excuses) listed for not showing up to your son's party. If it was that important, you could have put an alarm on your phone. YTA..
caliopees 2 2h5m
YTA.
I’m not sorry at all to say this, but would your fingers have fallen off if you had set an alarm?would you have anything that could have caused harm to you if you had checked the time or asked someone to tell you the time? I’m sure you have a phone or multiple people there had a phone.
You did prioritise your step daughter over your son. Birthdays come and go but will he be able to graduate from high school again? I understand they both wanted you there, but his request wasn’t unreasonable. It’s bad enough you missed his 18th birthday for a “big meeting”. Couldn’t you have rescheduled? Did you not know when his birthday party was or did you deem it unimportant?
To be honest, I feel like you’re making excuses as to why you aren’t the asshole. Newsflash: just because you say it enough doesn’t mean it’s true.
egorre 2 2h5m
Quick way to lose your son forever. YTA.
Extension-Curve-353 2 2h5m
YTA. You clearly don't care about your son, because there is a pattern of ignoring his special occasions. Why not change the time of the step-daughter's party? I suppose if you grovel and make a real effort to change your AH behaviour, you can mend things with your son, but probably he's better off just never speaking to you again. You're not a trustworthy father.
Nexus_542 2 2h5m
YTA. Good thing you don't like your son, cause he's going to go no contact as soon as he can.
sln84 2 2h6m
YTA
PinLate1398 2 2h6m
You really can’t see what you’re doing wrong? Your sons are right, you do prefer her over him. You’ve missed important milestones in your son’s life and you’ve shown him that he’s not a priority or important to you. YTA and he’s going to go low to no contact with you
kimmiejxo 2 2h6m
YTA
Emma can have a birthday party every year, while your son can only graduation once. It was selfish of Emma to even ask you to stay for the full thing. It sounds as if she likes knowing you choose her over your biological kids. Even her own mom told you to go see your son. I wouldn’t wanna see you after that either.
Hopepersonified 2 2h7m
YTA.
What's weirder is that the bday party didn't really have to be the same time as the graduation party. I see red flags.
TheSleepingVoid 2 2h8m
Ok why the heck did you try to figure this out the day before their parties when you knew about both events over a month prior and were directly in control of planning one?
I think you just didn't care about your son's graduation party enough to make the time, so he's completely right....
If you cared to think about it there were a lot of possible solutions, so that means you really didn't care enough to spend time thinking about making this work.
YTA stop pretending your son is overreacting. Just because you don't want to feel guilty doesn't mean he is wrong.
No-Sheepherder-8537 2 2h8m
YTA
EliteExpression 2 2h8m
I love seeing everyone calling you the AH because you absolutely are! You didn't lose track of time, you lost interest in your own son. Not only did you miss his 18th birthday, you missed his graduation party as well and have the gal to say he's overreacting. It sounds like your sons see you for what you truly are now and I wish you the best of luck rectifying that, because you're gonna have to be on hands and knees for that one.
InaGlassGuitar 2 2h8m
YTA You could have done both, but it sounds like you dawdled around “helping” with Emma’s party instead of just leaving. Even your wife didn’t think you should miss it. She didn’t need your help.
GooseDactyl 2 2h9m
Wooooow YTA. Considering both parties were planned with a month’s notice, there is absolutely no reason you couldn’t figure out a way to do both. But no, you waited until the day before the parties to tell your son, who just made the largest accomplishment of his life to date, you’d try to get to his celebration, and then predictably flaked. And the same year that you missed his HUGELY MONUMENTAL 18th birthday. Millions of options out there, like tweaking the time of your daughter’s party, or explaining to an 11 year old that sometimes you have to make compromises and that even though you love her, you had to go see your son on his special day too, or actually just being an adult and leaving on time to do both. I can think of a million other ways to handle this. You picked the worst one, and it’s obvious to everyone but you that it’s not your son’s fault that he feels like he’s consistently overlooked. Don’t be surprised when he and his brother go NC, unless you’re going to actually put in an effort to put them first every once in a while.
Lov3I5Treacherous 2 2h9m
YTAAnd assuming this is true, you're a bad dad. You didn't want Emma to be sad, but you're ok with your son being sad? Make it make sense. You missed 2 of the most important events in an 18 year olds life: his actual f*cking birthday (yOu HaD a MeEtInG) AND his grad party. I can't believe you. Don't come back here playing dumb and wondering why your son won't invite you anymore to big things in his life (his wedding, the first birthday of your grandkid, etc). And when he won't come around, don't act shocked.
ninja-gecko 2 2h9m
YTA. Hopefully your sons have finally learnt the lesson never to expect you to prioritize them. I'm willing to bet this is the last invitation to a milestone event you get
sportsphotographer84 2 2h9m
YTA. High school graduations happen only once but birthdays come once every year. You can afford to miss the birthday party.
"My oldest son says I always choose Emma over him (which is not true) and that I was being a horrible father."
Well you DID CHOOSE Emma over your son.
"My wife said I should go to Sam’s party. "
You didn't go and chose to stay at the party and help out instead.
Your attitude shows why your sons react the way they do and their actions are a 100% JUSTIFIED.
oknow2002 2 2h13m
woweee really you can't see what you've done? Of course he's devastated. What's worse is that he thought you were going to come. Poor poor kid YTA
Justacasualdesigner 2 2h13m
YTA. You know you favor Emma more. You are a terrible father and hopefully your son puts distance between you and him but I doubt you care. You are pathetic
lavasca 2 2h14m
YTA
Your kid is right. Since you were planning for a month why didn't you plan Emma's party around lunch time.
11th birthday she'll remember but won't care in 5-10 years.
Graduation party your son will remember forever. I think if he decides to stay in contact with you it will be rare. Figure out how to make things up to him if you can.
Adventure_Knit_774 2 2h15m
So you chose an 11-year-old's birthday party (a birthday being a yearly event) over your son's graduation party (which is once in a lifetime). Then you claim you missed your son's previous birthday party because you were working. And you don't understand why your son feels you favor your step daughter? Do you really need strangers on the internet to tell you YTA? Dude... buy a clue.
MolassesLiving9546 2 2h16m
YTA.. all I hear are a bunch of excuses to why you repeatedly let your son(s) down and somehow you justify them in your head. Did you ever think that he may have been waiting for you because you said you’d show up but you rationalize that not showing up at all was better than being late? Sounds like you’re great at making excuses but terrible at showing up for your biological children.
throwawayacct12201 2 2h16m
YTA. Your current wife is telling you that you should have gone and that you were an idiot. Everybody immediately around you is telling you that you are in the wrong. Did you think coming to reddit was going to get you the answer you wanted to hear? Bad decision. YTA. A huge one.
SailorSpyro 2 2h18m
YTA. His graduation was a once in a lifetime event, he doesn't get another party. Emma turned 11, not a big birthday, and she'll have another one next year. You have to teach Emma how to handle this type of thing. And if your son is saying that you always choose her over him, you need to listen to him. Whether you think you are or not, you're making him feel that way. And that's an issue.
ComprehensiveSpot150 2 2h18m
INFO: For context, can you share any situations of equal significance that you chose your bio kid over the step kid?
Impressive-Swimming9 2 2h18m
YTA. You’re gonna lose your sons if you haven’t already and you’ll deserve it if you don’t shape up asap. I hope you’re able to fix this.
throwtcoat 2 2h19m
"my son wanted me to come to his party and stay the entire time but I told him I can't"
"my stepdaughter told me she wanted me to stay at her party the entire time so I told her I would"
"my son had his grad party set for a month after he graduated"
"I've been planning my stepdaughter's birthday for about a month and it ~just so happens~ to be the same day of my son's grad party"
YTA. I'm amazed that it's not clicking.
Second_Story 2 2h19m
YTA. Seems very much like you got yourself a new family and made your own sons a lower priority from then out.
HandmaidforRoeVWade 2 2h20m
Ooohhh...you missed the celebration of the once-in-a-lifetime milestone event for your son's graduation for a run of the mill, every year birthday. It is clear you are showing favoritism towards your step daughter--"she really wanted me to go". Um, yeah, your son really wanted you to go to his LIFE EVENT. "It was too late by the time I..." what--put your stepdaughter first? YTA.
Top-Fisherman-6045 2 2h20m
YTA and in denial. You did choose your stepdaughter over him.
Shoddy_Lifeguard_852 2 2h20m
YTA. Not even close. Of course, you attend your son's graduation party.
CapnSisiofthe7seas 2 2h21m
YTA. At her age she would have been distracted 10 minutes later and would have forgotten about it. Graduation is a once in a lifetime event. An 18th birthday is a big one as well. You said she would have been sad if you missed it, would your son not have been? Why didn't you even consider that? Is it because your son is right? Probably.
AcclaimedGroundhog 2 2h21m
YTA
Plenty of birthdays, one high school graduation.
demonmonkey1313 2 2h21m
YTA you don't care about your sons feelings. Stop trying to say that you don't favor your step daughter. Becuase you do. And I you don't see it then your blind. So you are a massive AH in this sit
Flossy_Cowboy 2 2h22m
YTA. Your step-daughter has a birthday every year, your son graduates from high school ONCE, and it's a big deal - a milestone achievement. You could have shifted the birthday party time or left after 30 minutes so you could attend both. It's probably double hurtful for your son, since the step-daughter lives with you and sees you every day. Plus since he's aware of her party time, he was probably mentally going through ways you could make it work, and that hurts like hell to know you didn't bother to take any of the options. You definitely chose your "new" family over him and he has every right to be upset and hurt.
Dresden_Mouse 2 2h23m
YTA. The most telling fact to me it's that you said you been planning the party for Emma for month and you didn't realize it's same day as your son's? YTA. You had month to find a way you just did not cared
Spring_Overall 2 2h24m
YTA you missed a once in a lifetime thing for a once a year thing. Your son will not forget this.
Thedarkfic 2 2h24m
YTA, you’re a grown adult and can’t time manage? You should have left at 530 and left your wife to clean up. She sounds supportive enough to do that.
Your step daughter is going to be disappointed sometimes. Her brother graduated high school. That’s a big deal and trumps a birthday party. Especially when they weren’t at the exact same time.
Big making up to do with the son.
ninjaman2021 2 2h24m
YTA, and a terrible father.
cultqueennn 2 2h26m
Yta
And people wonder why their kids go nocontact. Bet this isn't the first time you neglected your sons for your step.
'Didn't miss out a lot' continues to sum out actual life events he missed.
Embarrassing on your part.
Billy_of_the_hills 2 2h26m
YTA. Just because you view your stepdaughter as family doesn't mean your kids do. To them you're choosing someone who isn't family over people who are.
TerribleTwinTeddy 2 2h27m
YTA. Let's face it, you abandoned your own son and didn't attend a milestone event so you could go to a frikkin 11-year-olds birthday party.... because you didn't want her to "be sad." Matters none whether your son was or not, obviously. That's mighty fine parenting there.
ThisPower4135 2 2h27m
YTA. You knew about this a month in advance and purposefully planned something that conflicted, then you wonder why your wife, your ex, and your son all think you're the AH?
Minute-Wishbone-4487 2 2h27m
YTA! You did pick your stepdaughter over your own son! Everyone is right you are an AH!
fishgirl0929 2 2h29m
INFO: Do you love Emma more? Because it 1000% seems like that. You may have just lost your son forever, I know if it were me you would’ve. If you love your son, wake tf up.
Bubbly-Kitty-2425 2 2h29m
YTA so yours son has planned his party way longer than your step daughters party. You are spoiling her because she knew you had a sons thing to go to! Why would you plan her party the same day as your sons? Why not have hers in the morning? Sounds like you never wanted to go and used her as a excuse to skip it!
Far-Distribution-132 2 2h30m
YTA. Your kids are telling you clearly how they feel and you are minimising and dismissing it. You "feel like" Emma is your own, but your other kids ARE your own so why prioritise them differently? It doesn't make sense. Good intent isn't good enough I am afraid.
Graduation is a massive milestone, worked hard for, and you should want to celebrate that. Why not do a special activity with Emma the following day? Apply that logic there.
Sam was the same age as Emma when you separated from his mum, so if you're thinking Emma would feel rejected over a single day or part thereof, imagine the feelings Sam has been carrying all that time. Its possible he's looking at these interactions and rightly or wrongly feeling that you care more for 11yo Emma than you did for 11yo Sam. That's why it stings him so much.
Its up to your sons now when and how you re-engage. You need to be patient and understanding, and re-evaluate your behaviour and really hear what they're telling you.
Otherwise-Aside-7330 2 2h32m
Ok to start with, you don’t sound like you want to hear the truth whether you’re the asshole or not here you just seem like you want people to agree with you because of the way you basically dismissed everything you did wrong, and were told how you were wrong yet still asked Reddit AITA?? However I digress. YTA Idk how you’re surprised your son was upset considering how quick he just hung up the phone in defeat. Not to mention you seem to do this quite often considering you said yourself that other people said you choose her over your son and it seems true considering you thought about her feelings and not his. You said yourself “I didn’t want to make her upset” yet no where did I see anything about your son’s feelings besides you assuming he’ll be fine and becoming totally shocked with the fact that he’s upset that his dad didn’t go to his graduation party. Op your stepdaughter is 11, she has at least 7 more birthdays you can celebrate with her every year, and it’s not like she wasn’t going to see you later that day anyways because you live with each other. Your son has ONE graduation party ONE and you didn’t even put much effort in to be there, you’ve been planning on your stepdaughter’s birthday for a month while you knew your son’s graduation party would come one day ever since he started going to school. Plus you could have at least moved the hours her party would be celebrated if you can’t move the day it would be on but you didn’t even try that.
Evening-Motor8721 2 2h33m
YTA—why didn’t you throw an 18th birthday party and graduation party yourself for your son and your side of the family? Your kids only teach these huge milestones once, do better if it’s not already too late.
djpp66 2 2h35m
YTA. In the biggest possible way. You're supposed to be an adult. Do we really have to explain why?
BenjiCat17 2 2h36m
"I didn’t want her to be sad at her party." Why doesn't your son get the same consideration especially since you missed his last major milestone/party? You have now missed the 2 biggest events of his life. He will always remember you weren't there. You choose her, the least you can do is admit it. Your words don't back up your actions. Even your wife knows that, she tried to warn you.
You should have listened. Be prepared for your son to walk away from you, the same way you walked away from him. Both sides can walk away. You won't like being on the other side. But neither did he. YTA.
Square-Tap7392 2 2h37m
YTA. This reads like you care more for Emma than you do Sam, your own biological son.
Surely your daughter's birthday party could have been rescheduled right?
BatWeaselnation 2 2h40m
YTA.
Did anyone else notice the “I lost track of time” bit?
Like, aside from all the things you could have done like make your step daughter’s party earlier so both would be feasible to attend in their entirety, you didn’t even follow your plan to catch the end of your son’s party, you just “lost track of time.” You did not need to help your wife clean up once step-daugter’s party was over when wife was actively telling you to go — you could have done the clean up when you got back. There was no reason for this.
You planned poorly, and you chose your step daughter over your son. And from the sound of it, you have made a pattern of this.
stillnotthatgirl 2 2h52m
YTA. It’s 2022, dude. Set an alarm.
Beneficial_Rain_9188 2 2h59m
YTA
Graduations happen once. This was a huge milestone. You really failed as his father here. This is not something he'll forget. You just did some pretty severe damage to your relationship with your son and I wouldn't be shocked if you rarely see him in the future.
Literally everyone is sitting here telling you that you're wrong. Both mothers, both kids.
I can't understand how you could even try to justify this.
Embarrassed_Music910 2 3h3m
YTA for sure.
You did choose Emma over your son, and if it's an issue he has, it's because it's an issue.
You missed his birthday due to work, you missed his party because you couldn't leave Emma...what else you been missing out on?
stinstin555 2 3h3m
YTA.
First and foremost Sam’s feeling are Sam’s feelings and he is entitled to have them. You are not allowed to negate them. So let’s get this straight:
Your wife told you to go to Sam’s Graduation Party✔️
Your son told you how important it was for you to be at his graduation party✔️
You graduate from High School ONCE in a lifetime✔️
You did NOT go to Sam’s 18th Birthday Party✔️
You told Sam you would make it at least some of his graduation party✔️
You stayed for ALL of Emma’s. Birthday Party✔️
And yet you fail to see why Sam is hurt.
Yep. YTA
P41nt3dg1rl 2 3h9m
YTA 💯
ListenM0rty 2 3h10m
YTA. LMAO how does an 11 year olds birthday compare to a graduation party?? And you even missed a huge birthday milestone of his. Don’t be surprised if you never hear from him again. I’d cut you off if I was him.
Sk8rknitr 2 3h10m
YTA. How did you ever think you could make both given the overlap in time and you had an hour of travel time? Firstly, you could have rescheduled your stepdaughter’s party to another time, earlier or later on the same day. Or you could have had just a small family celebration the day of followed by the friend party the next day. Secondly, your stepdaughter is 11 and that is plenty old enough to understand the situation you were in. Sure she might be disappointed but she could have handled it, especially since her mom was on your son’s side. Thirdly, you could have asked your son a month ago to not plan his party on your stepdaughter’s birthday.
I suppose you do get credit for going to your son’s graduation ceremony but you should have gone to the party too.
Mishy162 2 3h12m
YTA. You have been told be multiple people that you should have gone including your ex and current wife. Both of your son's have told you that you are always choosing stepdaughter over them and now refuse to talk to you. Good job on losing your son's, pretty sure this has been happening for a while now and this was the last straw. Hope you are happy with only having a daughter now, because unless you pull your head out of your ass you won't be a part of either of your sons lives moving forward.
Prestigious-Name-323 2 3h12m
YTA
Emma’s mom is saying you should have gone to your son’s grad party. Literally the birthday girl’s mom. You screwed up, dude.
winter_fun4268 2 3h20m
YTA and yes you are a horrible father. A high school graduation party is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Once in a lifetime. And it’s a big deal. As big as the graduation itself. All the friends and family were there so your absence was really noticeable. You should’ve made a toast to him. He should’ve overheard you bragging about him to the relatives and friends about how proud you were. Instead he spent his entire graduation party having people ask him where is your dad and him having to say that his dad Couldn’t be bothered to come because he had to help clean up from 11 year olds birthday party. You didn’t go to your son’s graduation party Because you stayed to help clean up from the birthday party. You are an awful father and deserve it if your son goes no contact with you.
Chaffedshaft 2 3h45m
As someone who’s dad literally picked my step siblings over me, you are without a shadow of a doubt the asshole
ZestycloseCrow4 2 3h46m
YTA what is broken in men that causes them to stop caring for their own children after they get remarried?
gk60540 2 3h47m
YTA...It was your son's graduation party. How many times do people graduate in their life? Plus it was your step-kid's 11th birthday - not a milestone birthday for that matter. Why did you not push the birthday to later in the day or the party to a different day - could have had a small private birthday for family on actual birthday and party a day or two later.
SeinnaBronze 2 3h47m
Congratulations YTA. Your a part time dad to your real kids. Emma has you full time 24 hours, 7 days a week and 365 days a year. You get to visit your real sons when you have time or when its convenient.
Put yourself in his shoes. He graduate once from highschool. No do overs. That moment passed. His most celebrated achievements after 12 years of schooling. You decided a little girls birthday party is more important. How many birthdays did you already celebrated with your step daughter and how many more will you continue to do so. You wouldn't make any excuse to miss her graduation. Mmmmm go figure how that will mentally affect your son.
If there was anyway to divide your family anymore then it is. Now theres no chance to fix this.
.
If i was your son. I do the same thing. No contact no relationship with you from this day forward.
You f up real good thats all on you. Take joy you have your step daughter that has no biological connections to you what so ever.Oh and NO sons.
Dogmother123 2 3h47m
YTA. What a deadbeat. In a few years you will be wondering why he went no contact. And the worst of it is you are oblivious. You couldn't be bothered with your son's graduation party. Not even to split the time. Just like his 18th was less important than your meeting. What a sorry excuse for a father.
steppedinhairball 2 3h47m
YTA
You could have moved Emma's party earlier. You could have set an alarm on your phone. You could have done a lot of things but you didn't. You failed your son. Let's repeat this here. You failed your son. Not just a little league game, but a major event: his graduation party. Again, you failed your son.
I'm an adult. My parents divorced decades ago. As a kid, you remember all the missed major events. There was always an excuse. He always had an excuse. Doesn't take away the pain.
_PeanutbutterBandit_ 2 3h47m
YTA Dude your ex and current wife agree on something about 5e kids and you still don’t see it? Your older son doubles it for you? What’s wrong with you?
miniondi 2 3h47m
YTA. I don't really understand how you didn't see that attending the celebration of a major life event for your son, is more important than a child's birthday party, at least enough to try to do both. You'r son is 18 now. He doesn't have to keep you in his life. Good luck
IntelligentDog9107 2 3h48m
YTA!! While I understand that you didn't want to miss out on your SD's birthday party, she is old enough to understand that a graduation party is huge in your son's eyes. All you had to do was to sit her down and explain that you had to leave early to make the graduation party ("Sweetie, I have to leave to make Sam's graduation party, so I don't want you to be sad, but I promised to be there.") And, yes, she would've been sad, but with her friends around her, that sadness would've been diminished because she was having a good time! Meanwhile, you would've made it to Sam's graduation party- late, but better than not being there at all!- and it would've been an entirely different conversation!! But, you didn't do any of those things, and now neither of your sons are speaking to you!! (Kudos for making it to the graduation, though.) Rather than being defensive when called out on your favoritism, look back on all the times you've missed your kid's events vs. your SD's, like you're doing right now (better to do it with a counselor, who can hold you accountable), and you'll find that it's your son who's gotten the short end of it. Once you've taken inventory, the only thing you can do is go forward. You will need to make it right by your son first by apologizing for all the events you've missed. Then, promise to do better by him and stick to it no matter what!
Littleballoffur22 2 3h49m
You favor your stepdaughter over your sons. Admit it. I hope they go full NC with you. You’re a bad father. Awful. YTA
YaiYai-Maddie-Emma 2 3h50m
YTA You keep using the excuse you needed to help your wife with things at the party including cleanup, she is in favor of your going to your sons party but you have a boat load of excuses to put off going. Your stepdaughter is 11. Old enough to understand you needed to be somewhere else. I doubt you were the big deal at an 11 yr olds party and your daughter could have survived if you hadn’t been there. You really messed up because you were too lazy to drive an hour and put in an effort with your 18 yr old son.
minerg0d 2 3h59m
ESH. This could have been easily fixed with good open communication and better scheduling. I think this is a real pile on of OP. Did he eff up? Yes. Was he the only adult in the room? No. A simple damn compromise could have been reached with a simple conversation.
lgriffOpos 2 4h9m
Yes, YTA. You make it sound like Emma couldn’t live without you not being at every second of her party yet you hoped you might be able to make it to 30 minutes of your son’s. Had you just gotten into your car to put in ANY effort to see your son on his very special day, he might have been happy to see you, even if you arrived late. Had you bothered to show up, you likely would have stayed even longer as the interaction doesn’t “poof” disappears when the clock strikes 7:30. Parties do carry on past the end time or you could have met up with him at his home (if the event was not held at his home). It sounds like you didn’t really want to drive an hour, took every opportunity to stay with Emma, and blew off an important milestone for your son. Sounds like this isn’t the first time and your sons likely have figured it won’t be the last. First work and now your new family takes precedence over your biological kids. YTA. Bigly.
Foronceinmylifetaken 2 4h9m
Your step daughter will have more birthdays but your son will only graduate once. You clearly prioritised her feelings over your sons and don’t get to tell him he was overreacting. You also see your step daughter daily but live over an hour away from your son. Massive YTA
dyrtshdh 2 4h15m
Nta tbh he's 18 shes 11 man it's her birthday and a f*cking graduation party does not madder
Ovenproofcorgi 2 4h50m
YTA
A little girl will have plenty of parties, and you could easily have made it up to her with a daddy daughter day the next day. Your son only graduates from high school once.
damishkers 2 4h57m
YTA!!!
You only have children for just so long, in a blink of an eye, childhood is over. His is over and you blew not just one, but the final two big moments of his childhood. I’m going to guess this wasn’t a first either. You now have an adult son who grew up knowing his father didn’t prioritize him.
I’m all for loving our stepchildren unconditionally but you had so many other options, moving bday party to another day, earlier in day, actually leaving and splitting time, saying, “hey Emma, I know your bday is important but I just can’t make this one,” (because at least you have 7 more and a graduation party you can attend for her) but you chose wrong at every step. Even if these were two bio kids, you chose wrong.
Add that you think you deserve recognition because you showed up at the graduation? That’s like bare minimum parenting. Then you diminish his pain by saying he’s overreacting? YT-deadbeat dad.
Odd_Assistance_1613 2 5h6m
YTAIt seems like your wife didn't demand you stay for clean up after your step daughter's birthday, and was understanding. You could have done both events without neglecting any of your children. Your son is justified in being angry.
judgemental_butthole 2 5h20m
YTA
"My son told me that i always favour her (not true)"
Yeah, sure, i bet he's just dRaMatIc right?
Ffs if your own son is telling you how much you favour her over them wtf you want ua to tell you
Also nice balance there, your 12 yo birthday which is literally a generic ass age is more important than a life time achievement of a graduation party
Nice job
snortsrainbows 2 5h20m
YTA
Your oldest even said you choose Emma all the time. You're losing your sons and if you want them to have a relationship with you then you need to do better.
Historical_Divide673 2 5h22m
YTA. Both of your sons have told you that you consistently choose Emma over them. Both your ex wife and current wife have told you that you were wrong. How many more people have to say it before you believe it?
Disastrous-Nail8885 2 5h22m
YTA and if both of your sons say you favor her, you do. Be prepared to lose your son over all this, since he apparently feels like you don’t care. Unfortunately you had a meeting for his birthday but to miss his graduation party too? You said you don’t miss many of his events, but I bet he would say otherwise. Your own son isn’t a priority for you. It was not an overreaction, it was the straw that broke the camels back.
B52Nap 2 5h22m
YTA. All I kept thinking as I read was you clearly chose her over your son and she was selfish too. I wouldn't bother with you as your son anymore.
ProfessionalTell7435 2 5h41m
I don't understand why parents, when they divorce their spouse, treat their first children like garbage and benefit their stepchildren over their biological children
smurfgrl417 2 6h12m
YTA I hope you enjoy your relationship with the child you chose over the ones you didn't because it's probably the only one you'll have with any of your kids.
Maxdrive77 2 6h29m
YTA you made it clear your step daughter is more important that her emotions matter more then your sons. Your sons should completely cut you out of their lives. Because I'm sure there will be other milestones you will not go to because of your step daughter. Because her being upset is all it takes for you to forget all about your sons.
jemappellelara 2 6h30m
YTA. You can celebrate a birthday every year. You can’t celebrate a high school graduation ever again. Emma’s not gonna remember you went to her 11th birthday party, but Sam will remember you didn’t go to his graduation party.
And I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t invite you to anything ever again. You have proven yourself to him that you are unreliable and will not be there for him when he needs your support. You chose to not celebrate with him for this important milestone, so what does that say about you?
Acceptable-Amoeba-49 2 6h31m
YTA, you not only chose your step daughter over your son, you used weponized incompetence to miss it. You chose work over his birthday, no wonder why he's not talking to you and it's because you decided to put your own son on the back burner and make him a second choice if the first doesn't work out. Don't be surprised when he doesn't let you be involved in his life later on.
YakingB 2 6h32m
YTA. At big life event parties, like a graduation party, guests realize very quickly when a parent is missing. I wonder how many times OP's son had to field the question "where's your dad?" Further, everything OP said made it painfully clear that he does in fact favor the step-daughter.
Ambitious-Ad-6646 2 6h33m
YTA… it sounds like others see that you pick Emma over your sons but you don’t.
Also stop invalidating and minimizing your sons feelings by saying he’s “overreacting” , his feelings are valid, you f*cked up so stop trying to make yourself feel better by saying is an overreaction when it isn’t
Emergency_Ad_1828 2 6h34m
YTA your son won’t be gradating again your stepdaughter will have another birthday next year. Burning bridges with your son for someone else’s daughter.
Holyspirit146 2 6h35m
YTA, honestly amazed that you even have to ask Reddit for this, it’s your sons graduation…. a once in a lifetime thing and a huge deal to a young man going out into the world, all of us have had bad birthdays(such is life) and I honestly believe you just showed your daughter that just because she wants you there she gets her way…. it would have been a better thing for the long run to make a nice birthday for her (show fatherly effort) and explain to her why this was such an important event for your son but she’s obviously still very important to you, she would have been undoubtedly upset but would realize the importance of such an event later in life and also the effort you put into her special day. I honestly still can’t believe you didn’t attend your sons graduation over your little girls birthday party…..
EnvironmentNo682 2 6h37m
YTA and you clearly love your stepdaughter more than your own sons and are super obvious about it to everyone. You just enjoy pretending you are not an AH because of this.
pickllerickk 2 6h40m
YTA you chose Emma it's straightforward. She will have many birthdays but he will have 1 graduation. To make it worst you even stayed to clean up after. Emma sounds like a selfish child why should only your son have to be understanding?
Morrigan2022 2 6h41m
YTA how could you write this and not fully understand exactly why you are the asshole. How many graduations will your son have. 1 maybe 2 with college. How many birthdays will step daughter have? Most likely 50 plus barring unforeseen circ*mstances. Yet you still chose her over YOUR SON’S! He’s hurting really bad right now because it’s very clear to him that he’s nothing and she is everything. This may be unfixable. 2 milestones missed by you. Even your older son called you out for this and he too stopped contact. All this because an 11 year old wanted you at her party then you lost track of time and his is an hour away so nah too much of a bother I’ll go tomorrow. Tomorrow is NOT his graduation party! Stepdaughter lives with you! You are with her ALL the time and saw her on her birthday so why choose her over him? He is not overreacting at all.
BagProfessional5475 2 6h43m
Dude she’s 11, your son doesn’t graduate every year and the fact you had to say “it’s not true that I chose her over my son” twice tells me you done this a lot. YOU ARE A A—HOLE. Lol
FlatNeedleworker7777 2 6h43m
YTA. You made it clear who you prioritize and it isn’t your son.
braavosbabe 2 6h43m
YTA. An 11th birthday is nothing big IMO but a graduation party is something you remember for years. I definitely see your sons going NC with you in the future.
madmarypoppins 2 6h44m
You didn’t want Emma to be sad at her party but had no problem letting Sam be sad at his. You knew you couldn’t make Sam’s party with the individual party times and the distance you knew you had to travel- and instead of just telling him you let him spend his entire party wondering if you’d make it, after you blew off his birthday, too. Your words don’t make your actions different- you are choosing Emma over him, and trying to pretend you’re not doesn’t change that. YTA.
Heart_jb 2 6h48m
YTA. You left your sons…it doesn’t matter what happened in your relationship with their mother. They feel like you left them…and every event you miss is affirmation to them that you didn’t want them and still don’t. You screwed up big time by not showing up…it was bad enough that you said you could not come for the whole party because you had a party going on for your step daughter but then to say you’d at least come for a little while and just didn’t. Not showing up at all is a total slap in his face. You’re an idiot…those boys need you…it’s too bad that you don’t love them…they deserve better!
Sea-Dreams 2 6h49m
YTA. Your step-daughter will have many other birthdays, and it’s not like 11 is a milestone, while your son only has one HS graduation. Even though your step-daughter might’ve been disappointed 11 is old enough to understand that HS graduation is an important event for her step-brother and his dad should be there. You’re not doing your step daughter any favors by neglecting to show her that the needs and feelings of others in the family matter too. Keep it up and you’ll on your way to creating a manipulative little monster on top of alienating your sons.
Udontknomeiswear16 2 6h50m
YTA but worry not, keep this behavior up and you’ll only have one child to tend to as your other kids will inevitably cut you out of their life .
Radkeyoo 2 6h53m
My father worked insane hours. He still made it for our milestones. You don't want to be your son's father. YTA.
MeasurementWarm2291 2 6h53m
YTA and that's how you lose a son, hope he'll find better people in his life since you can only care about the stepchild.
echgirl 2 6h53m
YTA. You lost track of time because you didn’t PRIORITIZE YOUR SON’s feelings. That’s it, no other reason. You did, however, prioritize your step-daughter’s feelings, and your son knows that. That’s why he’s hurt. I’m breaking that down in the simplest form possible because it seems hard for you to comprehend.
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I (46M) have two sons (20 "Andy" and 18 "Sam") from my previous marriage. I got divorced from their mother about seven years ago and have been in my step-daughter, "Emma’s", life for six years. I love her to death, and I see her as my own kid.Sam graduated back in June and was having a graduation party about a month later. But, his party happened to be the same day as Emma’s birthday party. She was really excited about her birthday and told me she wanted me to stay for her party. I said I’d try and call my son about it.The day before their parties, I told Sam I would try and stop by, but he kept insisting I come for the full thing. I told him I’d try, but Emma’s birthday party is on the same day, and my wife and I have been planning it for over a month now. He just said "okay" and hung up the phone. Fast forward to the day of both parties. My wife said I should go to Sam’s party. I was planning on doing so, but Emma told me she really wanted me to stay.I didn’t want her to be sad at her party, so I agreed and told them I would just leave later. Emma’s party was from 4-6 and Sam’s was from 4:30-7:30, so I was thinking I had plenty of time. I live over an hour away from my son, so I was planning to leave early. Anyway, I was helping my wife with a lot of stuff, taking care of the kids, and other things. By then, it’s already 6 pm and I feel bad.I have so many things to help my wife with for cleaning up, and since I live over an hour away, I know I can’t make it. I did go to his graduation, so I assumed just going the day after to see him would be fine. Boy was I wrong. I call him after that and he practically goes insane, telling me he’s extremely angry, saying I love Emma more than "my biological kid", and that I always forget about him. He then tells me he doesn’t want me to come the next day and doesn’t want me to talk to him.I haven’t missed a lot of his events, so I feel like he’s overreacting. I didn’t go to his 18th birthday party because of a big meeting I had, and I get why he was mad about that,but this seems like an overreaction. I apologized to him, but he didn’t accept it.My ex-wife and wife said I should have gone and that I was being an idiot. My oldest son says I always choose Emma over him (which is not true) and that I was being a horrible father. I do feel bad, but I lost track of time. He won’t talk to me and neither will my oldest son. AITA?
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tarpy 1 1h44m
Hard-Ass Dad Troll enters the chat
countrybumpkin1969 1 2h11m
YTA. You should take a long listen to Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. Then you should sit and think about all the times you’ve crapped on your sons. They won’t forget but if you apologize and work really hard, putting in effort to show them that they matter, you might get lucky and get to have a relationship with them. Then again, you have probably lost them. Hope Emma was worth it.
CurrentTea3987 1 2h36m
YTA… and you already know it.
WaxyWingie 1 2h37m
YTA.
Aromatic-Bag-7043 1 2h37m
Seriously… you felt the need to ask?? Of course YTA
Petty_Stranger 1 2h37m
I can tell YTA just from the title 😬😬
PsycheAsHell 1 2h38m
YTA- You not only chose to work on your son's 18th birthday (which is a major milestone birthday), but you picked the birthday party of an 11-year-old over your son's graduation party too. I would think that if my dad skipped both of those events WITHIN THE SAME YEAR, he must not really care about me anymore, now that I'm an adult. It does actually sound like you're prioritizing the 11-year-old now because she's still a kid.
treefp 1 2h39m
YTA. You didn’t try anywhere near hard enough on this, I bet there’s some truth to the comments about your preference for your stepdaughter.
apology_for_idlers 1 2h39m
YTA. A high school graduation is much more important occasion than an 11th birthday party. It’s clear you’re one of those parents who only cares about the kids of the person you are currently banging.
Worth_Brilliant8523 1 2h39m
YTA - birthdays are annual but high school graduation celebrations are once!
According-Ad-6968 1 2h40m
YTA. Your son accomplished something amazing and graduated. He asked you to come. (Probably needed it.) You chose an 11 yo birthday over your son's graduation party? Everyone seems to think you could have made it to the grad party except you. I mean, speaking for myself, I'd have wanted my dad there even for 30 minutes to say "Hey, Congrats Son. Proud of you!"
But... you didn't. Now that relationship is in embers.
ViviBest211 1 2h40m
You are a sh*t dad. Plain and simple. Dont be surprised if your son blocks you from his life. Yta
kellybean07251980 1 2h41m
YTA you should have been there for ur son, your daughter asked u to stay and u did, no wonder ur son thinks u love ur daughter more.
ToughGodzilla 1 2h42m
YTA
graduation > 11th birthday. Choose right. And listen to what your sons say. They know better than people on reddit.
Justwatching451 1 2h42m
You are the A. Graduation is rare event, not all succeed. The 11 year old is old enough to manipulate you. Skipping your son's graduation party is a poor example of how to be man and father.
MedievalWoman 1 2h43m
Graduation is a special day, you should have been there. The birthday party could have been changed to a different date.
angelglea 1 2h43m
YTA - WHEN BOTH OF YOUR CHILDREN ARE TELLING YOU THAT YOU CHOOSE EMMA OVER THEM WHY TF DO YOU THINK THEY’RE LYING?!?
JFC Dude, both of your children have told you that you do, in fact, choose Emma over them consistently. They certainly aren’t in the forefront of your efforts or attention are they? Nope, it’s clear your priorities are yourself, your new wife, Emma and work and hopefully the boys can fit somewhere.
And let’s be real, when the new wife and the ex-wife agree you should have done something differently, you should know you f’d up and do it differently!
FunStorm6487 1 2h44m
Didn't you mean to say "my estranged" son.Of course you are TA, with a candy coating of bloody hemorrhoids on top!!!!
SuperNerd06 1 2h44m
I mean, yeah. A graduation is a one maybe twice in a lifetime event. Birthdays are every year. You absolutely should've left early at the very least. It's great that you care about your step-daughter but, if you explained the situation to her, she would've understood. Even if she didn't, you could just bribe her with a movie or food kids are pretty simple. YTA
LolaJune25 1 2h44m
YTA - your wife even told you to go. And surprisingly a lot of the family, with you as the exception, agree that you should have gone.
Then on top of missing the his 18th birthday party, you decide to blow him off again??? Why do you hate your son?
SprSnkySnickerdoodle 1 2h45m
YTA. You are choosing Emma over him. He was so unimportant to you that you “lost track of time” and would rather clean up from your step daughter’s party then actually make the effort to go see him. You are very obviously uninterested
epicdoomtrance 1 2h45m
Of course Emma wanted you there, but she's too young to understand the complexities of juggling schedules and the intracacies of relationship dynamics. That's why it was YOUR responsibility and desicion. YTA. She'll have a birthday next year, and every year after. This was a once in a lifetime event for your son.
missashnicole86 1 2h45m
YTA. It could have been a teachable moment for your step daughter. “Sweetheart, I love you and I am glad I got to be here for your special day. However, Sam is also having a very special day today and I promised to be there. I am going to keep my word because I love him very much, too. When I get home, we will stay up late and watch your favorite movie!” Something along those lines. You are not a man of your word, and you expect others to not have any negative emotions as a result? “Oh, Dad! That’s ok, you see her every day and I know I’m 18 and I’m fine with you doing the bare minimum with me. You are still the best dad ever.” Get. OVER. Yourself.
Severe_Egg2955 1 2h45m
By saying you think he’s overreacting you’re already showing that you dismiss his feelings. I’m willing to bet this isn’t the first time he’s told you he feels like you’re not there for him and you ignored him then too. YTA
catbra74 1 2h46m
YTA - listen to what everyone else is saying, especially your wives
No-Cheesecake4542 1 2h46m
You didn’t just prioritize Emma, you prioritized helping your wife to the point where you missed the party.
DoomAloneThatCounts 1 2h47m
100% YTA. Child of divorce here. My Dad alllways picked my step brother over myself and my sister (we are both his ACTUAL kids). You’re the Dad, it’s YOUR responsibility to show up for YOUR kids. Guess who didn’t bother to attend his funeral? Yup, with zero regrets. Figure out your relationship with your sons before it’s too late.
Not_Exhaustive 1 2h47m
YTA! You are not only gruel you are totally incompetent as a father and as a man!
You wrote:" I love her to death, and I see her as my own kid. " But you did not mention once that you have the same love for your sons! For me personally, father is a title and has to be earned. You have no father qualities whatsoever, you are not a good rule model for your son's and you are not even a good father to Emma. It is not the child, who dictates these kind of things and who takes on the responsibilities of life. You had the chance to teach her a lesson about responsible parenting and love. But you threw that away.
What if Emma want's a beer? Will she get one, just because she wanted one? You are a miserable exemplar of a father and an even more miserable exemplar of a human being.
DocRocksPhDont 1 2h47m
Biological or not, you have a birthday every year. You only graduate once. Which one is a kid going to remember you missing more? Yta.
allthelostnotebooks 1 2h48m
My Dad lived 2000 miles away and managed to be at my graduation party. I bet OP's son was embarrassed his own dad wasn't there, that's the kind of thing where parents are expected and their absence noticed. And unlike birthdays, HS graduation happens once. You can't go to the next one OP. It's the celebration of a huge accomplishment and a big step into adulthood, and you skipped it. That you didn't even see it as all that important is really sad. YTA.
anon007888888 1 2h48m
YTA and you know it.
You probably just lost any future relationship with sam, so at least you can spend more time with emma now.
Mediocre_Advisor3416 1 2h49m
YTA. You missed the two parties that were the culmination of his teenage years and your last chance to show up for him in his childhood. Your stepdaughter will have more birthdays, but your son is becoming an adult now and I wouldn’t be surprised if he distanced himself from you after this.
ShmebsTheGnome 1 2h49m
Yta. Your step daughter will have many birthdays, your son will only graduate twice (one for high school, once for college) if you missed one, you miss half the experience of your child graduating
ElizaDelilah94 1 2h50m
YTA.
You did choose the daughter over your son. The way I see it is that that little girl will have many more birthdays, everyone gets a birthday once a year just for existing. Your son has put many years of his life into something, worked really hard and now it's his time to celebrate that - a potentially once in a lifetime event (or certainly not an annual occasion).
In this instance, I do feel pretty bad for your son. He just wanted his dad to be there and be proud of him.
excel_pager_420 1 2h50m
1.) The way you keep reiterating that Emma wanted you to stay makes this post sound like you're passing responsibility onto an 11 yr old. An 11 yr old who is old enough to understand why you couldn't attend & was definitely having too much fun with her friends to care if her StepDad had to leave her party early.
2.) Emma's Mum told you you should miss Emma's party & prioritise your son's graduation. Emma's Mum agrees with your ex-wife very strongly that you're an idiot. If Emma's bio parent is telling you you don't need to be here, you should leave now to be on time to see your son than that says it all.
3.) The way you keep reiterating that you needed to help your wife with the party & clear up makes the post sound like you're trying to emphasis you missed your son's party because you were too busy being a good husband & your wife needed your help. Your wife told you to not to attend Emma's party & go to your son's. She didn't need your help at all in running Emma's party.
The way this post is written, it seems like either you've had a strained relationship with your son's for a while & you've decided to prioritise Emma, who you see as your do-over child. Or there was some other reason why you wanted to be at Emma's party, like the presence of Emma's bio father. Either way be a man & acknowledge you never wanted to attend your son's graduation party and never had any intention of doing so but you didn't want to come out & tell him that. So you decided if you ghosted him & no showed on the day, pretended you lost track of time & visited him the next day everything would be fine. And obviously it's not because no one deserves to be treated like that. YTA
FleurDeCLE 1 2h51m
“I’ve missed a lot of his events, so I feel like he’s overreacting.”
He’s reacting this way because he can’t count on you to be at ANY of his events. YTA. And dude, if your wife AND you ex-wife agree on this, you know you’ve done something hella wrong. I wouldn’t talk to you either.
hope1083 1 2h52m
YTA - everyone is telling you were wrong. Listen to them. Even SM agrees you were an AH. You should have told Emma that unfortunately it was Sam’s party as well and you need to be there for him. Your mom is going to be here and we will celebrate in the morning or the next day.
Sam only graduates once and Emma has a bday every year. It doesn’t sound like it was a milestone Bday.
If everyone is telling you that you prioritize work and Emma over your kids it is time to look at if what they say is true. Hint: it is.
MackinawDreams 1 2h53m
Graduation is a big deal!! It only happens once (or twice) and signifies a great achievement for your child. He worked hard and deserves to be recognized for his efforts.
Birthdays - hopefully Emma will have many. Emma is only 11. You will have more chances to celebrate.
Your son feels like you put Emma in front of him. You could have moved the time of Emma’s Party! Or even the day.
You broke your word to your son when you didn’t show up. Something tells me this is not the first time.
You really screwed up. And you don’t get it, which makes it worse. You’re minimizing his hurt and upset and calling it overreaction. Seriously.
YTA
butt_butt_butt_butt_ 1 2h54m
YTA. And, honestly it shouldn’t have been a question.
If Emma wanted to complain about her dad not being at her 11th birthday, fine. If she wants to throw a fit, OP and mom need to talk to her clearly about how sometimes you don’t get your way, and that sometimes things are more important than what we want.
An 18th or a grad party are way more important. OP did not need to be there for this birthday party when something once in a lifetime was happening with his other kids.
Looking back at MY 11th birthday, I have no idea if my dad was there or not. Because I was 11 and having fun, so why would I care? It’s not a sentimental milestone, it’s just…an eleven year olds birthday party.
I hope OP comes up with some great gifts to try and show genuine apology for the major events he missed instead of just telling an 11 year old “Sorry. Not this time.”
QuitaQuites 1 2h55m
YTA You did choose her over him. If you really wanted to go and it was a priority you wouldn’t have lost track of time the way you did, go to your son’s party and clean up later. This is made worse but the fact that you already missed his birthday and you LIVE with her. Dude this is an epic parenting fail.
sonicblue217 1 2h55m
Sounds to me like you were looking for an excuse not to go. You "missed" his 18th birthday and now this milestone. Don't be surprised when he cuts you from his life. Goes around comes around.. YTA
pastelpixelator 1 2h56m
YTA and will likely be removed from your son's life if you keep discounting his feelings and choosing your new family over him.
Traditional_Young_15 1 2h57m
YTA, It does sound like you picked emma over your son more. I wouldn't blame him if he goes LC or NC. You should have listened to your wife and gone half way through the party so you would have had a good chunk of time to spend with your son
RandiCandy 1 2h58m
Your wife telling you you were an idiot too is kind of a dead giveaway that yta here. You could have stayed at Emma's for an hour or hour and a half and then gone to your kid's graduation party. Emma would have been fine. she might have moped for a little while as kids do but she'd ultimately learn the lesson that her dad makes time for all his kids and not just her.
sreno77 1 2h58m
When my daughter was 11 she had her friends sleep over and ate pizza. She didn't need her dad there.You could do your own celebration with Emma before the official party or the next day YTA
Boylanator_94 1 2h59m
I was planning on doing so, but Emma told me she really wanted me to stay. I didn’t want her to be sad at her party
But it's fine for your son to be sad at his? YTA
Also, you say that your son's graduation party was set for a month after his graduation and that you'd been planning your step-daughter's party for over a month, which makes it sound like you had knew for a good long time in advance that the parties would fall on the same day, but you only tell your son you may not make it the day before the party? Why? Could you not have rescheduled one of the parties so they didn't clash? Or at the very least held your step-daughters party earlier in the day so you could make both?
Reading this it's clear that you had ample opportunity to be more upfront with your son about whether or not you could have made his graduation party, you could have told him long in advance that you couldn't make it if you didn't want to alter your step-daughters birthday party plans, but maybe done something else seperately with your son to make it up to him instead of dropping the news on him a day before the fact and expecting it to be fine the next day. Of course he'd be upset and the fact that it's coming as a shock to you seems bizzare to me, especially considering how you handled the whole situation
glopo11 1 3h0m
YTA 100%
FabulousProtection48 1 3h1m
Yta
peanutandbaileysmama 1 3h1m
My ex-wife and wife said I should have gone and that I was being an idiot. My oldest son says I always choose Emma over him (which is not true) and that I was being a horrible father.
YTA Even your family says it. And considering you mentioned you missed his 18th bday too... You got some major apologizing to do. And you balantly choose a child who's not biologically yours over your own son who was celebrating an achievement but you didn't want Emma to feel bad. Well were your thinking of your son especially after missing his 18th bday?
bookynerdworm 1 3h2m
There's clearly a pattern even if you don't see it because you also admitted yourself that you missed his birthday this year! Like do you not hear yourself?
You planned Emma's party so why didn't you change the date? Not to mention that she has a birthday every year (and it wasn't a milestone birthday) while your son only graduates high school once.
You need to do some serious self reflection. YTA
elpatio6 1 3h2m
YTA. Birthdays happen every year, high school graduation happens once. You absolutely blew it.
Trader0721 1 3h2m
YTA…it’s your son’s graduation…he has one…Emma has many birthdays. You owe your son a HUGE apology.
aramoixmed 1 3h5m
All child/stepchild stuff aside, high school graduation trumps eleventh birthday BY FAR. Eleven is not really a milestone and even if you disagree, it’s definitely not as important a milestone as graduating. YTA.
Few_Personality_1012 1 3h5m
Yikes missing his 18th birthday AND his graduation party too? You could have make it work somehow and chose not to so YTA.
And I was the kid whose parents did not go to any of my “big” events growing up and let me tell you that it might seem like such a small thing for you and you can always make it up later. But to your son, it is not the same thing and even if you guys can work it out, it is very possible that he lost trust in you.
missangel21 1 3h5m
YTA no doubt about it. I feel so bad for your sons.
Image_Inevitable 1 3h6m
YTA
If I was one of your sons I'd just move on as it's very plain that you already have.
Wasps_are_bastards 1 3h6m
YTA. You’re a sh*t dad and everyone can see it. Your son will graduate once, maybe twice but your stepdaughter’s birthday (an annual event) is more important?
HPNerd44 1 3h6m
YTA and what’s worse is your lying to yourself and gaslighting everyone. Your ex wife and current wife are in agreement that right there should tell you enough. Birthdays come every year and from the short but you wrote seems as though your always there for Emma but not your son. You made a MAJOR screwup and don’t be surprised if your relationship is forever changed with your son. I don’t even know how you make this up but hot dang your better at least try.
WinEquivalent4069 1 3h6m
Both your wife and ex-wife said you should have gone to Sam's party. Now Sam isn't talking to you because he says you always choose Emma over him and his older brother says the same thing. YTA. You screwed up big time.
wtshiz 1 3h7m
Even if everything else was the same, Emma has a birthday every year (11 isn't a special one), Sam only graduates from HS once. And after you missed a major birthday for him. And when you still could have made it at least for half an hour but didn't. And you could have moved an 11yo's birthday party a week, a day, or even just a few hours...
Tell us again about how your son is overreacting and you don't choose Emma over him?
YTA
thenexttimebandit 1 3h7m
YTA you could have made gone to both but you didn’t. It clearly meant a lot to both kids and you totally hosed one.
NoTripOfALifetime 1 3h7m
YTA - "the day before" is what stands out. You waited until the last minute to try to figure out a plan. Graduations are the culmination of years of hard work. They only happen once. Additionally, your son shared how he felt and you are dismissing him.
You seem to honestly believe he is overreacting. Have you considered there could be a thread of truth - especially considering how you prioritized this scheduling conflict?
FandomNerd126 1 3h7m
Yta. Honestly. EVERYONE, even your wife has said you should of gone and you still have to ask if your the asshole? Seriously? Honestly, I hope your son moves past you and goes no contact. Another piss pour father who abandons his kids for his “new” kids.
MotherODogs4 1 3h8m
When an ex and your current significant other agree that you’re an idiot, you should believe it (your paraphrase of their assessment).
YTA. Graduation is a big deal, and you need to help Emma understand that you also have children who need their father, especially when celebrating a major achievement.
Shastakine 1 3h9m
YTA. You need to teach your stepdaughter "no." Your son graduates from high only once. This was his only high school graduation party. Not only did you not show up late, you didn't show up at all, and figured it'd be okay if you just stopped by the next day. Yes, of course your son feels that you love Emma more, your choices clearly favor her.
FranchiseKicks 1 3h9m
YTA
That's all that needs to be said
middwayer8 1 3h9m
YTA. You live with Emma and see her every day. You barely see your sons it sounds like. Be a dad and step the f*ck up and put him first every once in a while, not just when it’s convenient or when it doesn’t conflict with plans with your new family. You didn’t want Emma to be sad but you were fine with you other son being sad?
Sallyjo2572 1 3h9m
YTA. A Birthday is fun and all, but they come once a year. A Graduation is something super special that only comes Once, unless he decides to further is education.
And it doesn't matter that this was "just the party, not the actual graduation", this was important to your son and you're disregarding it and chose to stay at your step-daughter's birthday party instead. You could have easily set an alarm on your phone or around the house, so "losing track of time" is kind of a bs excuse.
Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if you're not invited to future events in his life.
stuk_in_tuksin2021 1 3h10m
Yeaaaaah, YTA.
I suspect you know you are.
MJGM235 1 3h10m
YTA - He is already feeling the pressure of the divorce and now you have a whole new family that you chose over your own son. You literally did choose your step kid over your real kid because let's face reality, after setting up your daughter's party you didn't feel like driving an hour there and then an hour back.
Acrobatic_End6355 1 3h11m
YTA. Birthdays happen every year. Graduations don’t.
sarahliz511 1 3h11m
YTA. No explanation needed. It was all right there in the post. You owe your son an apology.
Manbearpiggy98 1 3h12m
I hope your kid goes no contact with you. At least you’re a good dad to a kid that you didn’t even see come into this world.
Manbearpiggy98 1 3h12m
Also youre not just an AH. You’re f*cking satan himself.
OhLizaLittleLizaJane 1 3h12m
YTA. Bruh. Even your wife told you to go see Sam, but you insisted on fooling around collecting used paper plates until his party ended. You stood your own son up for used paper plates.
LorianGunnersonSedna 1 3h12m
YTA, this sh*tty thing you did was deliberate. Her party could've been scheduled to not conflict with his and was not.
Birthdays happen every year. A graduation happens once.
You suck and totally deserve what you're getting right now. No pity.
Different-Sea7523 1 3h14m
YTA — he graduates once. Your daughter will likely have other parties. I wouldn’t be totally shocked if this isn’t the first time the older kids got the short end of the stick.
QuickgetintheTARDIS 1 3h15m
Your son only had one H.S. graduation party. Your step-daughter is going to have plenty of other birthday parties - and it wasn't like it was a milestone birthday either. You made your choice, so don't go crying because it blew up in your face.
You screwed up big time and YTA.
jaimystery 1 3h15m
YTA
A graduation is an actual achievement, a birthday is just proof you've woken up another day and are still breathing. How incompetent OR snobby are you to take a month to plan the birthday party for an ELEVEN year old?
Your son has every right to be mad and always resent you for this (and probably your past behavior because this can't be a one off thing)
BeneficialHurry8644 1 3h15m
Yta
talldarkandhostile 1 3h16m
YTA. You literally did choose her over him. Even Emma’s own mother said you should have gone to both. Your ex-wife and current wife being in agreement about this should count for something. The fact that your son won’t speak to you tells me this has happened more often than you realize or than you care to admit.
Obrina98 1 3h17m
Sounds like yet another case of new wife, new life, bio-kids be damned.
YTA
illumantimess 1 3h17m
Lmao this is so clearly written by a very mad son
rhunter99 1 3h17m
Seems like people are telling you you’re wrong and you’re not hearing it. You should have found a way to split your time on that day. Yta
PaleConclusion6 1 3h18m
YTA. You've forgotten who your real kids are. Congrats, on ruining your relationship with them, though!
BriCheese96 1 3h18m
YTA because you didn’t adhere to your original plan, that made sense. You could have gone to Emma’s party until 5, and be at your sons by 6..
Also, you did miss his birthday. The least you could do is go to his graduation party, which he only has 1-2 times in his life (if he graduates college.)
Colorful_Panda 1 3h18m
YTA Yes you are very clearly picking your new step child over your old kids. Your kids will notice and they will grow to hate you.
SomeDudeUpHere 1 3h18m
YTA. You have established a pattern of choosing things like work and a non-milestone birthday over him. He will never graduate from high school again and you have forever damaged your relationship with your son.
breezeandtrees 1 3h19m
YTA you have emma daily and haven't been in your biological kids life for 7yrs and Sam only graduates ONE TIME during a pandemic no less and you still chose miss do over.
AggravatingPatient18 1 3h19m
The graduation ceremony date would have been known well before you scheduled your stepdaughter's party
YTA for not re-scheduling the party for another day so that you could go to both events. Yes you do favour your stepdaughter and cut it out before you lose both sons permanently. Not that you probably care.
raisanett1962 1 3h19m
“I haven’t missed a lot of his events.”
Over the past 7 years.
Yeah, sure. Sports events? Parent-teacher conferences? Prom? Studying for ACT/SAT? Providing your expertise on some projects? TheTalk? First date? Senior portraits? Big breakup?
Yeah, OP, you just keep telling yourself that you haven’t missed “many” of his events.
Additional_Link5202 1 3h20m
YTA big time. Your son only graduates high school once… your daughter will have a birthday every year. My mom’s pharmacy graduation was over ZOOM and during her video part it glitched for a few seconds and my mom cried with frustration because she was waiting to see the proud moment.. i know it wasnt the actual graduation but you show up because you love him and you should be proud of his accomplishment and want to share the celebration with other people your son cares about.
Seabastial 1 3h20m
YTA. you were planning Emma's birthday for over a month and you never thought to reschedule it so it was earlier in the day? that doesn't seem right. To me it sounds like you definitely were choosing Emma over your son. Also, the fact that both your ex-wife AND current wife are saying you should've gone to the graduation, as well as your oldest son calling you out on it, speaks volumes.
thisistestingme 1 3h20m
YTA. You chose an 11 year-old's birthday over a high school graduation party. WHAT??? He's graduating from high school once. High school graduation was much more important to me than college graduation. I was over it by that point. You may have lost your son forever over this. I don't doubt for one second that you consistently chose your step dad over your son and failed to see it. Ironically, my dad did the same and had no clue. I'm middle aged and will be hurt for the rest of my life, even though I knew he loved me. It sounds like your son isn't even sure of that.
woodlandtom 1 3h21m
Clearly this is a pattern with you if both your sons have told you about it. YTA
Boishungry 1 3h22m
Hope your do-over kid loves you for life cause you failed as a father to your bio kids and they probably won't have much of a relationship you now. Not that you care about having them in your life though? YTA
megancoe 1 3h22m
YTA
You absolutely DID prioritize your step-daughter over your son, and for an event that happens every year to every human. The graduation and the party are milestone life events that won’t happen again. You didn’t lose track of time, that’s just an excuse. My impression is that you didn’t really want to go. Big time asshole.
Erenogucu 1 3h22m
YTA
Your son is gonna graduate once (most likely) he will remember it forever and you choose something that happens every year and will be forgotten in a few months.
sushistan69 1 3h23m
Y!!!T!!!A!!!!
alexrevnold 1 3h23m
YTA
You are 100% choosing your step daughter over your son. Hopefully your so. Forgets you exist so you don’t have to choose anymore
Mabelisms 1 3h23m
YTA. I cannot express how much of TA you are. Oh my god. Your poor son.
bibliobitch 1 3h24m
YTA. You missed a big one. This was bad... and don't give me the "lost track of time" bull. If you cared, you would have watched the time and gone. At least tell yourself the truth here.
emzillaisakilla 1 3h24m
YTA. Emma will have lots of birthday parties still, your son will only have one high school graduation party. I completely understand why he doesn’t want you talking to him. It definitely seems like you pick Emma over him. You didn’t want her to be sad? What about your son? Your own wife thinks you’re an asshole.
LemonLimeTaffy 1 3h24m
Not one single vote excusing your craptastic parenting.- Not from your son.- Not from your eldest son.- Not from your ex-wife.- Not from your current wife.- Not from Reddit.
YTA and you massively f*cked up.
Historical_Agent9426 1 3h24m
YTA
DocumentRight2761 1 3h24m
The lack of self awareness is incredible. I can’t even believe this is a real post. You wrote all of this out, and still haven’t come to the conclusion that YTA?
KhaleesiMounter 1 3h24m
YTA. Why would you schedule Emma's bday party on the same day?
Superb-Bee9668 1 3h24m
Which party was being planned first, and if Emma’s party was being planned first and the son knew that day of her party, I would say no. But as it stands YTA
Praxlyn 1 3h25m
YTA, your gd WIFE said go to your sons event and you ignored her.
Strange-Courage 1 3h25m
YTA, they are your kids!!! I wouldn’t talk to my dad ever again if he did that to me. You don’t deserve those boys if this is how you look at it.
PenPenLane 1 3h25m
YTA Majorly and harshly. You don’t deserve to have your sons in your life tbh.
stemom5 1 3h25m
YtA - she will have a birthday next year. Your son graduates from highschool once.
MadeThis4MaccaOnly 1 3h25m
YTA. Your son only gets one high school graduation, but your STEP-daughter will have a birthday every year.
SamuAzura 1 3h26m
YTA
"I call him after that and he practically goes insane, telling me he’s extremely angry, saying I love Emma more than "my biological kid", and that I always forget about him."
"I didn’t go to his 18th birthday party because of a big meeting I had"
"My oldest son says I always choose Emma over him (which is not true) and that I was being a horrible father."
Enjoy the NC, congrats you only have a daughter now and is all because of your own actions.
barkleybbrd 1 3h26m
YTA. Your son is so incredibly hurt by your actions. You could have easily left the party early, and your wife was 100% on board with that! Even if you didn’t mean to choose your stepdaughter over your son, you certainly did. Also, it feels like you waited until 6pm so you couldn’t “justifiably” make it
PresentationFew2014 1 3h26m
YTA. Even your current wife knows you’re being dense. You didn’t need to stay behind to help your wife clean up Emma’s party. She knew you needed to leave early, she wasn’t expecting your help. That was an excuse and your son is right to see through it.
PickleNotaBigDill 1 3h26m
YTA. You screwed your son over for your step-daughter, and it doesn't sound like it was the first time. A graduation party is a pretty big deal. You could have gone but kept making excuses.
Even your wife thought you should go. Apparently someone understands where your priorities should be. Too bad it is not you.
dragonmom03 1 3h27m
You pretty much sent a clear message. FYI a graduation party is just as important as an 11 yr old’s party. The fact that you missed his 18th bday should have made you put his graduation party a priority. You have 4 adults telling you you’re wrong and you still don’t think you are? If he ends up cutting you off remember an 18 yr old still needs and wants their dad just as much as an 11 yr old you failed to understand that.
Aggressive_Pepper942 1 3h27m
YTA and I'm baffled as to why you think that you're not? Your kids are right. Horrible parent move.
Susieserb 1 3h29m
Your poor son and you don't even see it; how blind are you. YTA 1000%. Your STEP daughter will have (God be willing) many more birthdays but your son has ONE HS graduation. What a tool.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Slater5560 -59 4m
Tough one. Catch-22, you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.
ESH honestly, or at least the situation does...
Ahsoka88 15 1h32m
No because even the wife think he is wrong. She was fine with him not helping after 5:30/6 to be there for his son. He just didn’t go.
sana-pomu 1h50m
Ur a sh*tty father I hope something terrible happens to you and your stepdaughter
CuteAdministration14 2h1m
Ha! Everyone sucks, but you, and every politician is honest too.
Good_luck7627 2h20m
Damn that sucks to be put inbetween your kids. Regardless if the girl is your step daughter they are all equally your kids. But next time just tell your sons or daughter that you will celebrate with them another day and take them out to do something fun. Maybe a nice small weekend or week vacation. And let your sons know that they are all equally important to you and that you will arrange things better in the future. Tell them If you can’t visit them on a specific occasions just let them know you guys can plan another cool day together so they don’t feel left out. Personally I always hated last minute planning because they never work out. So maybe make a deal to plan ahead(meaning over a month) to do some fun things with your sons. Although your sons are older now so now they should be able to come visit you whenever they want to. They can’t always expect you to come driving down all the time. So you guys could work that out too, they can come down and visit and you can too depending on the situations. That’s how me and my parents arrange things. We live in two different states so we take turns visiting each other. Or I mean we just visit each other whenever we want too. Honestly I hope they don’t hate this little girl. So be careful there. But never let them guilt trip you if you notice it, they are adults now. They aren’t little boys anymore. Instead of complaining they need to say well if that time doesn’t work, when will you have time so we can all hang out.
jhenry137 2h0m
Info: Was the daughter’s party planned before Sam made his? Did Sam know the date of said party? How soon after her birthday was Emma’s party?
Don’t get me wrong , you’re DEFINITELY TA. However, I am suspect over Sam about this.
ComotoastXbox 2h25m
NTA - I don't worry about who doesn't make it. You couldn't be in two places. Makes more sense to not be driving and missing both events.
TastyHome8183 2h8m
NTA but you dropped the ball. First this should have been discussed b4 and someone should have been the bigger person and changed their party date. If that wasn’t possible you should have spent time at each party. If they both say your playing favorites maybe you should really think about it and make an effort to do better.
AZWildcatMom 6h53m
YTA
The 8yo gets a birthday every year, your kid only graduates ONCE.
inchantingone 6h54m
YTA
If BOTH your wives (current and ex-) tell you that you should have gone to your boy’s party, then you should have gone. Her mom even said that you should go before the fact. You shouldn’t even have to ask this question.
Because of divorce trauma, in some ways, your 18 year old is still stuck at the age he was when y’all divorced. You can’t just do that to him. He’s a person with feelings. I understand your bonus daughter’s age group well as a former upper elementary teacher and If ANYone in the situation, would have understood you leaving early or begging off to attend your boy’s party, it was your bonus daughter.
You blew it, dude. Hope you can make amends. Good luck.
nicib117 6h56m
YTA. Emma is 11. This was just another birthday party that 10 years from now is going to blur together with every other birthday party she’s had. Your son is going to remember this for the rest of his life. He graduates from high school once, and it wasn’t important enough for his father to be there for him. You absolutely chose Emma over him in this situation. And the way you hurt him…. he’s not going to forget it. He’s forever stuck with this memory, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
nunpizza 6h56m
YTA. Grow up, set an alarm, recognize the pattern here. My parents missed my 18th birthday. If they hadn’t been there for my graduation party, too, it would have SERIOUSLY damaged our relationship. No, Sam is not overreacting.
SerentityM3ow 6h59m
God you are full of lame excuses. YTA
Interesting-Sky-1865 6h59m
YTA. This is a pattern. You may have just lost your bio kids. Disgusting!
SATCisdum 6h59m
YTA, birthday parties come around every single year, graduation from high school happens once.
drm66 6h59m
YTA What typical 11 year old girl wants any parent at their birthday party much less a step-parent? OP your step-daughter is in a power struggle with your sons, and you're playing right into it! You owe both of your sons a huge apology because you have probably been a AH more times than you can count over the last 6 years. Why can't you see you are ruining your relationship with your sons? Even your current wife sees you're screwing this up, which really says something! Your sons' college, careers, marriage, grandchildren and you are going to miss out on all of it if you don't stop being so obtuse and careless with your sons" feelings! Your stepdaughter probably lives with you so she already sees you a lot more than your sons. Wake-up OP, and hope it's not too late for you to make serious amends!
Proud_Spell_1711 7h0m
What exactly are you looking for, OP? Are you really so self-deluding that you think you are not the a-hole in this case? Both your ex and current wives already gave it to your straight. YTA. But what is most important is you really f*cked up your relationship with your son. Unlike your step daughter, he isn’t going to have another party next year for this occasion. Get your effing priorities straight. Learn how to explain said priorities to your step daughter and stop rolling over when she pushes your buttons. Be an effing parent FFS.
BlvckUzi 3h29m
YTA. You have nothing but excuses. It's clear SD is more important than your son. Way to be a supportive father AH. He'll go NC soon, but don't you worry you have you're new SD now
New-Abbreviations353 3h29m
YTA. Everyone has a birthday once a year but not a f*cking graduation.
Mumof3gbb 3h30m
YTA. I think when your current AND ex are on the same page, you are definitely wrong. You absolutely should’ve told Emma that you’ll do something else with her. She has to understand that a graduation trumps a birthday party. She’s a kid. I’m sure she had friends there. Your son is right.
Illegalblonde_ 3h31m
YTA
Learn how to share the time between the kids and stop with this “I’m trying”. Even your wife said you should go to his grAduation party so why didn’t you? SHE’S 11, SHE’LL HAVE PLENTY OF PARTIES. Not to mention, you are going to create resentment between the kids doing this. I also don’t feel like this is an overreaction and I think there’s more times you have done this and aren’t mentioning it.
Ornery-Pass3300 3h31m
YTA. My biological father made my graduation about what he wanted and what was best for his step kids too. Guess who I haven’t spoken to in over 20 years? Also that wife divorced him and he doesn’t talk to those kids anymore either.
lynwofford2 3h31m
YTA. You really didn’t even try and your actions speak louder than words. You always chose Emma over him, work over him. You have effectively discarded him.
Housing99 3h31m
YTA
Also, why wouldn’t SD and new wife have come to the graduation party, too? He’s your child. You should have all been there to support his accomplishments. The birthday party could have been moved to earlier and made to work OR … moved to another day. It’s one birthday party vs his graduation. Wow. You’re such the AH.
Competitive-Rabbit-6 3h31m
YTA and basically a sperm donor at this point. Why would you even hesitate on whether you should go to your own child’s graduation party?! That should have been first and foremost. And no, you don’t get a prize because you attended his graduation. That’s part of the responsibility of being a parent.
Relevant-Educator496 3h31m
YTA. Wishy washy dads are the absolute worst. It can sometimes be more damaging than a completely absent father. It teaches you that you can’t rely on anyone, you are not important and you are not worthwhile. “You lost track of time”?? Seriously that tells me everything I need to know. You can’t get your sh*t together for one of the biggest days of your son’s life. I hope to god you didn’t use that as an excuse to his face. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the final straw and you’re now cut from Sam’s life. I sure hope so for his sake!
Negative_Opinion_422 3h31m
RAGE BAIT. Doesn't even sound like an adult wrote this.
Witty_Ad_5790 3h32m
you are an idiot and great, I hope your son does not return to your disgusting life, I hate you, I had a father who made me go through the worst things in my life and believe me I did not feel anything when he died, it shows that your stepdaughter is the girl of gold, stay with her and leave your son alone, bad father!
Highrisegirl4639 3h33m
OK, this has to be fake. No way this guy is THIS dense. If not, his stepdaughter is pulling all the strings. WOW, grow up dad. Although it may be too late.
YTA, big time. Can’t believe you had to come here after the the ‘wives’ and your bio kids have already told you you are. Sheesh!
crippled-crippler 3h33m
You can either celebrate the achievements that your son has just accomplished or celebrate the fact you daughter exists. You didnt want to go because Emma would be sad but did not even tgink for a second what your son would be feeling.
YTA
McLovin9876543210 3h33m
YTA. You have only yourself to blame for not prioritizing your relationship with your sons. Don’t expect to have a relationship with their children in the future or even be invited to their weddings. Just to prepare you.
MomsterJ 3h33m
You are totally the AH!! If you and your current wife have been planning this party for Emma for months then you could have chosen to have her party at a different time. Instead you picked almost the exact same hours as the graduation party! I’m also pretty sure that this graduation party wasn’t planned the day before so there was ample time to try to make it work for both kid’s parties!
unknown_928121 3h34m
I didn’t go to his 18th birthday party because of a big meeting I had, and I get why he was mad about that,but this seems like an overreaction.
Correction, this is the straw that broke the camels back. YTA
relativereader7692 3h34m
YTA.
Graduation is a pretty specific time and a big milestone for a child. A birthday celebration could have been rescheduled so it wasn’t in conflict with the graduation celebration.
Bantora 3h34m
He will never forget this nor forgive you, I speak from experience
YTA and a massive one at that
ApplicationVast9100 3h35m
How is anyone this dense?
MFTSquirt 3h36m
YTA... you're son only graduates from HS once. That party should have been the priority. Emma will have plenty of other birthday parties. You really dropped the ball on this one. Clean up could have also waited, that wasn't going anywhere at all.
eraval 3h36m
The fatal mistake made here, is that ultimately, its easier to win back the love of a 6 year old girl who is "disappointed" than the love of an 18 year old who has "given up" wanting it
Btw YTA for sure for not making accommodations to go to both. Seriously.
Temporary-Currency80 3h36m
yta why did you have her birthday on that day anyway that makes no sense you could have held the party on a different day and it wouldn’t have been a big deal
YourLocalMosquito 3h36m
YTA. You had a month to sort something out - whilst also planning Emma’s party that whole time apparently - and yet you wait until the day before to let Sam know you would “try” to stop by. You’ve really insulted your son.
coffeeisahobby 3h36m
YTA, you’re a parent to both of these kids why didn’t you plan the events to be at very different times? Why not talk to your wife and ex wife before hand then everyone would have been happy.
Your son is 18 but he is still a kid and he’s not going to have another HS graduation party.
MissTheWire 3h37m
YTA. Literally everyone in your immediate family is telling you you are wrong, but all you do is tell them they are wrong. You missed your son’s milestone birthday and then dismissed the feelings of both your sons.
Brit_in_usa1 3h37m
Has it occurred to you when everyone tells you you’re wrong, you are actually in the wrong? YTA
Dhazelton 3h37m
No question about it YTA! First you point out you’ve been in Emma life for 6 years but you’ve been in your sons for 18 so who cares how long you’ve known her. You missed his 18th birthday because of a meeting but won’t miss Emma’s because she’s sad? Sounds like you don’t give a sh*t about your son at all. You’ve been planning for a over month but you couldn’t be bothered to change the time AND you wait til literally the last minute to mention it. YTA. You’re an even bigger AH for telling him he is overreacting when he is completely justified. “Clean-up” isn’t a valid excuse, I’m pretty sure your wife can clean herself and if not there’s nothing that can’t wait a few hours so you could be there with your son. What really gets me is you don’t want to make Emma sad but don’t understand why he is mad.
zanahorias22 3h38m
lol if your wife and your ex-wife agree YTA, you're probably TA.
IAmTheAsteroid 3h39m
YTA.
Stay at Emma's part 430-530, and be at your son's party 630-730. They both get an hour. Even your wife said you should have picked your own son...
pacazpac 3h39m
Yikes yeah YTA. Big huge asshole.
Sableandstable 3h39m
YTA
I don’t even think you prefer Emma, it’s just easier to be her dad and to shake off your responsibilities to your older sons. You knew you needed time to drive there but you did nothing to make sure you could get there. You miss his birthday for a work meeting which is forgivable depending on the meeting/circ*mstances but by golly, you should expect to make the next big party (graduation). You just do what’s easiest for you - and your sons end up with the short end of the stick
delight-n-angers 3h40m
YTA. Your sons obviously see this as a pattern of behavior. You tossed them aside for your new family, and you've made that painfully clear to them. Now they're both old enough to cut you off and they have.
Izzy4162305 3h40m
YTA. You missed a milestone birthday for a MEETING, and blew off his high school graduation - a once-in-a-lifetime event. My dad AND stepmom flew in from a wholeass other country for my high school graduation. What is your excuse?
